Hit the road
by Rebeliz777
Summary: GreysAnatomy!Faberry. Seattle might not be the Capital of the World but it can surely be my home from now on.
1. New Beginnings

**Hi. So, I've been obsessed with Grey's Anatomy for the last decade but I never really had a chance to write anything on this particular line of drama. You must know that I know nothing at all about being a Doctor **_**but**_** what I've learnt on this show. This is my attempt to re-write everything with a Faberry touch into it. **

**I want to give you a heads up to what you might find in here as well. All the medical trails are from the show since –like I said before- I know nothing about medicine **_**but**_** I'll try to focus more on the relationship than the medicine anyway. You also might find dialogues that are from the show as well but that won't always be the case. **

**That said and hoping that you like this new fic while I figure out what to do with the rest, I say, enjoy.**

…

**New Beginnings**

This town is not so bad after all. I've always wanted to visit here but I've never had the chance to until recently, _very _recently. I've been only eight hours here but I've already accomplished more than I thought possible.

Seattle might not be the Capital of the World but it can surely be my home from now on.

"A scotch, please" the bartender smiles friendly before popping a glass with ice out of nowhere and handing me my ordered drink and I immediately like him. I have a thing for efficient people.

"New in town?" he asks with a deep voice and a knowing nod of his shaved head.

"I got here this morning"

"Then you chose the right place for your first drink" I eye the liquor suspiciously and he laughs a loud contagious laugh. I quirk my lips in amusement.

"I'll be the judge of that" he laughs harder and I finally sip my scotch. I can't pinpoint the brand but the taste is exquisite. "Not bad for a first drink"

"Told you. Welcome to town" he winks and saunters away to serve the next hopeless soul waiting to be served.

The bar is small, a cozy environment that invites you to get comfortable and wasted, surrounded by the usual customers. It feels like home in a very bohemian and lonely way. I down the scotch and a girl immediately serves me another one before doing the same with the rest of the people who is sitting at the bar.

It's probably not a good idea to be drinking before my first day in my new job, in a city that I don't know that well but I don't see myself going through this night without alcohol. I guess a part of me still finds it hard to believe everything that's happened in the last twenty four hours. I'd probably never believe it completely to be honest, another part of me just wants to forget and ignore that the last couple of years ever happened at all, and a much bigger part is just happy to be doing what I feel like doing for the first time in a long time.

"Is this seat taken?" I turn my head to the right where a smiling brunette girl is standing. She is beautiful and it's the first thing I notice about her but then of course there is the half flirty smile she flashes and her smiling eyes that just make me smile back.

"No, it's all yours" she throws her hair back her shoulder and smiles fuller at me. She orders a beer and downs half of it before her eyes find mine in amusement. She is really thirsty or dying to get wasted, I can't decide. Either way it makes me smile the way she drinks.

"I'm Rachel" she says, turning around and offering me her hand to shake, which I take.

"Quinn"

"Nice to meet you" she says as she takes her hand back and lifts her almost empty bottle in the air. The girl from before comes closer and Rachel orders a second beer before her eyes find mine again. "What are you having?"

She orders me another scotch and internally I laugh at this girl's attitude. She amuses me in a way that no one has in a long time. She looks younger than me, freer and more alive, and I become instantly attracted to her. I wasn't looking for anything like this but I won't shut out any possibilities. I'm starting again and if this is the way of faith to give me a clean slate then I'll take it.

Two hours later I invite her back to my room in a nearby hotel and she accepts to come along. The way her mood shifts once we're behind closed doors endears me to her greatly and when I kiss her for the first time I can practically feel the air leaving her body. This is something she's not used to. She's shy and nervous but I don't let it affect me because she still wants this and her hands pull me closer every time I pull back showing me how much. My head spins each time that her tongue licks a new inch of my skin and I barely manage to stay conscious after the first orgasm. She is in no better state but we both still manage to go again and again, and even when we're almost passed out from exhaustion we find the strength to go one last time.

…

I wake up to the sound of my alarm and reach out blindly to the nightstand on my right to turn off my phone. It's five fifteen and a woman lays naked snuggled next to my side. The last thing I remember is her body sliding deliciously on top of mine. Reaching out I move the hair from her face and watch her sleep peacefully for a few seconds.

She truly is beautiful and she could mean a new beginning that I'm willing to take.

I get out of the bed and head into the shower. I still can't wrap my mind around everything that's happened and I don't want to think about it anymore so I push it to the back of my head and get out to find Rachel fully dressed and frantically looking for her other shoe under the bed.

"Good morning" I greet and she barely acknowledges me by popping her head from under the bed and a moment later she comes out with both shoes in her hands looking triumphal.

"Got'em!" she announces. "I have to run, I'm already late"

"Late for what?" I ask, amused by her attitude once again.

"First day at work. If they notice I'm not there yet I might get kicked out and I can't get kicked out in my first day" I smile despise the sinking feeling in my chest and stomach at remembering once again why I'm here.

"Want to grab some breakfast before you go?"

"I can't" she smiles apologetically and finally snaps both shoes into her gorgeous tiny feet.

"Lunch?"

"I can't" she flies me the same sad smile.

"Dinner?" now I'm playing and she laughs. I get it if she doesn't want to see me again, this can be a one night stand, I'd be okay with that.

"I'm sorry. I don't know when I'm gonna be free and I really have to go now"

"It's alright" I calmly let her know, glad that at least I came out of the shower dressed in jeans and a shirt. "Last night was fun"

"Really fun" she smiles knowingly and then she's kissing my cheek. "Good bye…" she trails off and I realize that she's forgotten my name.

"Quinn" I smile even though that's the last thing I want to do right now.

"Right" she says loudly. "Good bye, Quinn"

"Good bye, Rachel."

With the sinking feeling of knowing that a girl had forgotten my name after we had had sex the entire previous night I go to work.

I stand outside of my new workplace for a few seconds, if only to admire the view. Well, hello Seattle Grace Hospital.

The building is magnificent, the colors soothing but I don't linger long to admire any of it as I walk right inside the front doors. I spot Doctor Thomas speaking to a group of nervous kids but as soon as he sees me he excuses himself and comes to meet me.

"Doctor Fabray" he shakes my hand. "I was afraid you might have gone back to the big apple" he laughs.

"Why would I do that?" I follow him to the elevator, passing a nurse station and the general reception area. It seems to be a busy day.

"Whatever reason brought you to us" he turns to face me with a sincere and grateful smile flashing. "We are very happy to have you here."

"I'm very happy to be here, sir. Thank you."

He squeezes my shoulder, I can tell he wants to say more, probably ask a few personal questions for whatever reason but he refrains from it and we're off the elevator and walking down a long corridor that has an extraordinary view of the City limits to a side. I could like this view. I could like everything about this place.

"The ORs are down to the right, oxygen room, administrative area" he gives me a fast tour of the floor, although I'll have to wander around a lot by myself to get comfortable. And soon enough he's opening the door to his office where a middle age woman smiles kindly from the center of the room, she holds a folder close to her chest and reading glasses on top of her red head.

"Good morning. Doctor Fabray"

"Good morning" I shake her offered hand.

"This is Natasha, my right hand around this hospital" Dr. Thomas says from behind his desk.

"The reason you're still sane I'd say" she teases him.

"Nice to meet you Natasha" I smile at her and she winks back. I already love the working environment here. The chief doesn't have a stick up his ass and his right hand doesn't seem to believe she is the boss of him. Improvement right there.

"The pleasure is mine, Dr."

We go over the extends of my contract one final time before I sign it and Dr. Thomas shakes my hand one last time before Natasha shows me the way to the lockers and assigns me one before giving me my brand new pager.

I quickly get changed and then, I'm on my way.

It's easy to forget about what I left behind a few days ago once I start working. There is no time to think about personal bullshit when you're trying to save lives and having your heart broken doesn't compare to having a malfunctioning heart inside of someone's chest that desperately needs your attention.

Today there is a newborn that's having problems with breathing and the intern I get running his labs turns sadder by the second as we both read the results. His lungs are too small to survive a surgery and his heart beat gets weaker by the hour. The boy is only a week old and he hasn't left the hospital since he was born and now, he never will.

"So what do we do now?" the intern asks me.

"What's your name Doctor?"

"Rose, Marley Rose" she quickly answers but the sad look in her eyes remains. I've seen interns like her come and go far too quickly in New York. You can't get attached to patients, especially not when their odds for survival are minimal. It sounds heartless and cold, but can you imagine what it would be like if we hung up to every single one of the patients that we can't save?

"Doctor Rose, we have to tell Jacob's mother that he's not going to make it through the night"

"But can't you operate? I've heard you're one of the best in the country" I smile softly at her and place Jacob's chart down. I don't like teaching, I don't like to tell these kids that they can't feel like this but I have to.

"Dr. Rose. You saw the results, you know that this baby is going to have a few painful last hours if we wake him up. His lungs are too small and his heart too deteriorated. Now, do you want to tell his mother to come and be with her child for his last few hours in peace or do you want to submit him to an operation that won't be successful or professionally advised?"

Dr. Rose stares at me with down casted eyes and nods her head twice. When she speaks her voice sounds broken. "Do you want me to tell the mother?"

"No, I'll do it."

For a first day she's handling it alright. On my first day of my internship I saw several colleagues cry, a girl I met passed out when a patient's hand fell from his arm and I threw up my lunch after I scrubbed in to watch my first surgery from up close.

I'd thought I knew it all. We all practice before we become interns, we all practice as much as we can but nothing compares to seeing actual people dying around you every day.

It's never easy to deliver bad news and personally I've never come around to work out a particular way to avoid heartbreak each time. But this is my job, this is my life and this is what I love to do, deliver bad news it's just an occupational hazard and something that needs to be done. Call it whatever you want.

As expected Mrs. Johnson starts sobbing as soon as I tell her what I found out. She hasn't been discharged yet and her room is filled with blue balloons and other gifts from friends and family. Her husband holds her but she's beyond herself and I hate to admit it but this isn't the worst reaction I've witness of a parent losing a child till this moment.

I leave the room. Dr. Rose is in charge of calling the baby's death when the time comes.

"Dr. Fabray?"

"Yeah?" a short angry looking Doctor is staring at me and for some reason I find her extremely adorable that her hard demeanor doesn't affect me at all.

"I need a consult, do you think you can accompany me?"

"Of course. Talk to me" I take the chart from her hands as she eyes me from head to toe. I chuckle at her lack of tact but don't comment on it. She doesn't seem like the kind of woman one would want to mess with.

"Thirty eight year old woman who thought it would be a great idea to eat fifty hot-dogs with mayo in every single one of them" I shiver involuntarily as I check her labs and then I wonder to myself, how can people care so little for their health?

"Cholesterol is high, sugar off the charts. This woman is a diabetic patient and she ate fifty hot dogs? Fifty? How could she…?"

"That's right" the Doctor confirms as she opens the room just in time to see the patient throw up all over the floor. Two interns that have been following the Doctor by my side down the hallway look like they're a second or two from throwing up themselves and I almost chuckle at the sight.

With time one learns to control the effect vomit has on most people, with time one sees all the bodily fluids we have on the inside and vomit is not the worst. I don't even find it gross anymore. It's just another symptom that can help save a life and as a Doctor I've learnt to be alert to all the symptoms that I can see.

"I'm Doctor Jones" the Doctor finally tells me her name and I smile back. "Welcome to town" she whispers as we both step aside.

"Mrs. Carl" I enter the room as two nurses hurry the clean up the mess and one last intern comes running with a cup of coffee in her hands.

Her eyes meet mine and I almost voice her name. Rachel stares at me with wide eyes as Dr. Jones takes the coffee from her hands and passes it to a man sitting on the corner of the room. I take a second look at Rachel and then I smile.

This could definitely be a new beginning.

"I told her not to eat the hot dogs. It was a bad idea. I told her but she didn't listen" the man informs me.

"I'm Doctor Fabray" I shake his hand.

"She didn't listen" he repeats.

"It's okay, we're going to find the way to clear the mess, alright. No worries"

"You look young" Mrs. Carl says from the bed and I smile at her.

"And I don't go eating more than one hot dog per week" I joke and luckily she laughs with the interns. Rachel isn't laughing though, in fact she is starting to look a little pale.

After explaining Mr. and Mrs. Carl that coronary arteries are very tricky to mess with they accept to have the surgery and I leave the room feeling lighter than I did before.

"Lopez, get me the test results for Mr. Brown" Dr. Lopez runs down the hall, eager to take directions from Dr. Jones and I can already tell she's the kind of girl that would do anything to get into an OR. "Puckerman, give a hand to Anderson in the ER" the shaved boy winks at her before taking off. I patiently wait for Dr. Jones to give direction to two more of her interns before she calls her name. "Berry" Rachel looks up.

"Dr. Jones, I'm in need of an extra pain of hands today. Can I burrow one of your interns?" Dr. Jones looks me over before turning.

"Dr. Berry, you're with Dr. Fabray today" she finally says before leaving us. Rachel immediately gives me a look that I find incredibly endearing and instead of her following me I'm the one following her down the hall. Looking both ways and making sure no one is looking I grab her hand and pull her into the locker room which is the closest to us.

"Dr. Fabray, we can't do this" she rushes in a harsh whisper.

"We can't do what? And it's Quinn" I smile at her and I watch as she makes a show of stomping her feet on the ground before pacing back and forth three times before coming to stand in front of me again.

"We can't…"

"You are adorable" I cut her off and her eyes widen before pointing a finger to my chest.

"You can't be my boss" she frowns.

"I'm just Quinn" I shrug.

"And I'm no longer your one night stand. I'm your intern! We should be professionals about this"

"Who said you were a one night stand?" her eyes widen comically and then she gets to study my smiling and calm face with scrutiny.

"We should forget last night ever happened" she reasons and I have to say that her morals impress me and for whatever reason I want to get to know her better.

"And forget all the things we did?" her mouths opens in shock and I don't have to say that I'm enjoying this too much. "I'd rather not. Now that we both know we'll be seeing a lot of each other, how about that lunch date?"

"No!" she shrieks and then pulls up her hair in a tight pony before taking deep breaths and then her big chocolate eyes find mine. "I can't go out with you because I can't be that intern"

"What intern?"

"The intern that's sleeping with her attending"

"Good things could come to the intern that's sleeping with the attending" I reason back and she frowns before growling –_actually growling_- under her breath but even as she does it I can see the smile on her lips that tells me that she is enjoying this as much as I am.

"I can't" she says looking apologetic.

"But you will."

I open the door and start down the hall, hurried footsteps behind me tell me that she's following close and before I enter my patient's room I look back at her again. She smiles despise herself.

"Dr. Berry" I call out loud to let her know that she won't be that intern, I won't let her become that intern and she smiles bashfully before looking up.

"Yes, Dr. Fabray"

"There are some labs I need as soon as they're ready. Please wait for them and bring them to me"

"Yes, Dr."

I watch her go but she doesn't look back. Perhaps I won't hate teaching so much this year, perhaps I'll even enjoy it.

I finally turn the handle and let Mr. Henry know that his appendectomy will be performed in a few hours.

When I walk out of his room I'm still having problems believing that Rachel is an intern in the hospital I started to work today, it's unreal but a nice surprise nonetheless. I understand her point of why I should stay away and keep things professional. The competition is insane between interns and everything goes down to whom is liked best by the attending Doctors and their natural ability to learn of course. But no one wants to be on the receiving end of jealousy, ever.

She finds me in the nurse station changing my pager's battery. "Here are the labs you ordered Dr. Fabray."

"Thank you, Dr. Berry."

As I study the results in my hands I sent Rachel off to lunch. Mr. Henry is all good to go under the scalpel and I finally sit down with a cup of coffee and a pen in my hands. If there is one thing I don't like about being a surgeon that is the paper work. Everything needs to be filed for future references and legal affairs. It's an annoying and very important necessity.

The Operation board shows a full and busy day and I realize that this will be an incredible first day before I go to the cafeteria to look for my intern.

I spot her laughing in a table with three other interns whose names I don't know yet.

"Good afternoon" I greet them and it's almost amusing the way all of them sit up straight and chew faster to greet back. What can I say? I enjoy the power that comes with position, although I'm opposed to abuse it in any way.

"Dr. Fabray, can we help you?" Dr. Lopez asks and I remember her name because it reminds me of my once best friend. She is too eager but this is the right profession for her I must say. Rachel is avoiding looking at me at all costs and I also find that endearing.

"I'm sure you're all aware that at the first day one of the interns is chosen to assist on a minor surgery for the first time"

"One of us gets to scrub in?" Lopes interrupts me a little too enthusiastic.

"Yes, one of you do" the suspense kills them as I stop talking and wait until Rachel finally looks up. "Dr. Berry, you can prepare Mr. Henry for surgery and after that I'll meet you in the OR."

I walk away but not before seeing her eyes widen one last time.

Dating an attending can be a terrible idea but it can also help a great deal. In Rachel's case it can be the latest. I have a lot to teach and she has a lot to learn if she's interested and smart, which I think she really is.

Come what may, I find her in the scrub room washing her hands.

"You shouldn't have done that" she shakes her head.

"What?" I smile and pour sob.

"You don't even know me, I could be a terrible Doctor" she has a point.

"Are you?" she immediately frowns and gasps in indignation.

"I am certainly not" she denies.

"Well then, come on in."

As expected, the majority of the interns are watching form the gallery. It's an old tradition to watch the first one to hold a scalpel and then it comes the eternal glory or eternal mockery for the chosen one.

Rachel was right, I don't know what kind of Doctor she is but I intend to find that out right now.

"Ladies and gentleman" I call the attention of my team for the day. I meet each pair of eyes in the room and smile at them. "Let's hit the road."

To my right Rachel is mumbling something under her breath nonstop.

"Dr. Berry, this is where you go in." Her eyes meet mine, beautiful and full with fear but when she speaks her voice doesn't falter.

"Scalpel" she asks and I watch as she takes it before the entire gallery comes to life and the interns watching clap their hands as Rachel takes the scalpel in her hands. I can still remember the first time I held one in a real OR and in a way I'm glad to be present for Rachel's first time. This is something that she'll never forget and now because of her, neither will I.

"Put pressure on it. Dig in with care" she nods her head at my direction and her incision ends up being flawless. I watch with an impressed smile as she requests for the picks ups and the clamp. She's in and the peritoneum is open for surgery.

"What do you do next?" I ask softly.

"Scalpel" she asks again and then I watch as she removes the appendix successfully. An incredible tactic, incredible hands.

"The appendix is out" she announces and I don't have to see her face to know that she's smiling, although her eyes are very expressive as she looks at me.

"Excellent work, Dr. Berry"

"Thank you."

"What comes next, Dr. Berry?" I clear my throat to remove the thundering feeling her eyes have provoke.

"Invert the stump into the cecum. Pull up on the per strings" she answers quickly.

"Exactly, but you have to be careful to do it simultaneously and to not break the…" blood starts pooling quickly, her eyes wide in horror.

"Focus, Dr. Berry" I speak comfortably, calmly. "You ripped the cecum. How do you proceed now?" she shakes her head, searching for an answer as the blood pools quickly.

"I…um…"

"Think, Dr. Berry"

"Bps dropping" a Doctor announces and Rachel's eyes finally look up to meet mine again. I nod at her and watch in amazement as she gains focus back.

"Suction" she orders and moves fast.

"What else do you do?" I focus on her work and what she's doing but she's alert as well.

"I have to dig for the per strings before she bleeds out. Clamp."

They hand her the clamp quickly as the heart monitor starts to beat rapidly but as soon as it comes, it goes and Rachel has controlled the bleeding and tied up the per strings.

"Excellent" I smile one last time before I close Mr. Henry myself with Rachel right by my side. I can feel her eyes on my hands until I sew the last stitch.

"Thank you very much everyone. We've arrived successfully."

After washing up I find Rachel leaning outside of the door and the smile on her face is blinding. It warms me from within and I don't know why but I want to find out.

"You aren't terrible" I tell her and she laughs softly, her cheeks tainting red at the hidden compliment.

"I have a great teacher" she smiles and then she remembers that she shouldn't be smiling at me and frowns instead. I laugh, amused by her attitude.

"About that lunch?" I prompt.

"It's not happening" she starts walking backwards and smiles wider. "Stop harassing me" she teases.

"You love it"

"You wish"

"I do" I smile charmingly and she huffs before looking over her shoulder to make sure that she's not about to run into someone or fall backwards perhaps.

"You are incorrigible."

As she smiles, enjoying our little banter I realize that I actually love the way she does it and I chose to keep trying until she gives me a real chance, no matter what the consequences might be for me.

"I'll see you around, Dr. Berry" she nods, probably understanding that this isn't me letting go but just letting it go for now.

"I'll see you around, Dr. Fabray."

….

**I hope you enjoyed. Any thoughts will be appreciated. **


	2. The fighter in me

Thanks for that amazing response. I hope to not disappoint. Enjoy.

2. The fighter in me

I enjoy a good breakfast, I used to cook my own breakfast back at home in New York but now I'm sentenced to eat the same superficial thing every morning at the hotel's little restaurant and I don't like it, it makes me feel less awake than what I'm used to feel.

I have to stop referring to New York as home but I miss my kitchen though.

Jones is the first person I see as I enter the hospital and she doesn't look happy, I already feel bad for her interns and I only know Rachel. Now, where could she be? Maybe she can make today a little better, she only needs to talk and probably smile, I don't ask for much.

"Are you stalking me?" I chuckle at the sound of her voice and when I meet her eyes I can see the genuine roguery swimming in her beautiful and wide eyes.

"Are you stalking _me_?" she huffs as we both enter the elevator. "I understand if you are, I'm gorgeous so I wouldn't blame you" I wink and her huff this time is louder. She looks indignantly adorable and I love to get a rise out of her.

"I'm not doing this with you" she hugs the charts closer to her chest as I focus to look straight to the closed doors.

"We're riding an elevator"

"You're flirting" she clarifies for me as if I don't already know. "And I'm not doing that with you"

"Did you know that Seattle is one of the coldest cities I've ever visited?" I hear her huffing but I don't look back as I ignore her huffing. "I'd love to know what it has to offer though. I know there are ferry boats and I have a thing for ferry boats. But coming from New York I have big expectations. Now I have one more reason to stay around and I wasn't looking for more reasons"

"I'm not going out with you" she pointedly says as I stop talking and this time I do turn around to face her.

"I wasn't asking you to go out with me" she rolls her eyes so hard but it doesn't matter because the smile on her lips is just as effective. The doors slide open and two more doctors join us inside. I manage to make small conversation with one of them even though my mind is on Rachel and how I can practically feel her eyes burning a hole in the back of my head.

The next time the doors slide open Rachel is about to get out with the rest of the people but I hold her wrist and barely manage to make her stay before the doors slide close again.

"What are you…"

"Would you like to?" I cut her off. I'm being careful to keep my hands to myself now, deep on my robe pockets as she leans back on the elevator wall.

"What exactly?" she bites her lower lip as her eyes dance from my eyes to my lips over and over again.

"Would you like to go out with me?" I ask softer now and I barely manage to put my hands on her hips before my back hits the wall and her lips are crushing with mine. It takes one second for my mind to catch up with my body and I'm kissing her back just as fervently. She feels better than I remember, she kisses better than I remember and the little groan that emits right from her throat sounds a thousand times better than I remember.

I suck on her fleshy bottom lip, squeezing her hips a bit tighter to pull her closer to me as her hands pull my hair downwards and as we pull back I feel her teeth sliding softly on my lower lip before she lets it go with a pop.

"You're my teacher and my boss, so I can't go out with you" she whispers against my lips and in response I kiss her again, slower this time.

"I'm your boss' boss" I smirk and she combs her fingers through my short hair once before stepping back.

"You see? So we can't do this, _this_ is wrong" she points between our bodies and I grab her hand in the air before pulling her flush against me and kissing her one more time. This might become my new favorite thing to do in an elevator or anywhere really.

"Stop" she breathes out, her hands on my chest and her forehead resting against mine. The doors slide open before I can't say anything and she jumps back at once, almost tripping on the charts that have fallen on the floor. Dr. Sylvester walks inside and she makes sure to send a glare at my direction as Rachel runs out of the elevator in a hurry. I don't look up from my phone until I reach my floor.

I join Abrahams for rounds this morning in the hopes to avoid making Rachel feel any more embarrassment, although I know that I need to apology for my inappropriate behavior because I know what she's talking about and I know what she wants to avoid. She wants to feel accomplished, she wants to prove herself and she won't be able to do that if she's with me or at least she thinks that she won't be able to prove that if she's dating me, an attending.

Soon I'm paged and I find a rape victim that needs to get into the OR as soon as possible and that's exactly the order I give the interns around me. Rachel is on the case, this is her patient and as I tell her to prep this girl for surgery she doesn't look at my face, not even once.

Her ignoring me sucks and I know I need to try harder. Dr. Pierce joins me in the washing room and her smile is as blinding as ever as she bumps her hip with mine.

"It's a great day to safe lives" she says before she goes inside and I agree with her fully. Rachel also walks inside and I instantly get closer to her.

"Rachel…"

"This is not the time and this is not the place" she cuts me off, her hands frantically scrubbing at each other. "We're about to operate on a girl that was raped and shred to pieces before someone found her" then her eyes meet mine and guilt washes over me completely. "So I can't think of you and me right now, I can't think of us because we have a rape victim to safe." I nod and she guides the way inside the OR.

The girl on the table looks young, she's been beating so bad that her entire body is covered in bruises, her ribs are squishing her fragile heart and she has a punctured lung, plus a head injury. On the top of it all, her profile reminds me on my little sister that loves to go out as well as visit the orphans in town. She ought to be a pediatrician and I'm sure that she'll be one of the best in the country.

Needless to say I instantly become attached to the patient in a way that I am forbidden to.

"She'll need a lot of rehab after this" Dr. Pierce comments and I hum my agreement, never taking my eyes away from the open chest in front of me.

"If she lives" an intern whose name I could care less of reminding answers back.

"She's 5 feet tall, doesn't weight more than a hundred pounds. She's still breathing after what this _guy_ did to her, isn't she?" I look up and I find him looking straight at me. "She'll survive" I tell him before I get back to work.

"They should castrate whoever did this" Dr. Pierce says and then I notice the girl's bloody hands and broken nails.

"Look at her hands" I ask Rachel, who is standing by my left watching intently at the procedure I'm preforming. "What do you see?"

"Broken nails, shred skin" then her eyes meet mine in welcomed shock. "She fought back"

"She fought back" I smile at her as I hear the doors opening.

"Not only that but the rape kit came back negative. This girl kicked his ass" Dr. Pierce says and I don't have to be looking at her to know that she's smiling because that's what I'm doing right now and I feel so proud of the girl on my table that it moves me all around.

The procedure isn't difficult per se but these are the kind that make me pay more attention than the rest. You can never get too cocky inside the OR, we -doctors- are egocentric most of the time and I'm aware but we can never walk inside an operation room with that state of mind because one decision, one second, one mislead thought can cost a life and that's it's not a burden that's easy to carry.

Just when I finish closing the patient I notice something odd in her mouth and with a pair of clamps I lean in closer. With care I pull a bit of flesh out of her mouth and hold it up to observe it but I can't figure out what it is.

"Anyone?" I ask and I hear Rachel gasp in shock, when I turn around her wide eyes are staring at me.

"Oh my God" she finally says.

"What is it?" I ask fast, she looks bewildered.

"She bit it off" she stage whispers.

"She bit what off?" Pierce asks before I get the chance to.

"Well that's… it's…."

"Spit if off" Pierce says a bit louder and I'm tempted to tell her not to yell at Rachel but I'm also curious, besides Rachel wouldn't like that.

"That's his… penis" she shrugs apologetically and I almost drop the thing as several males groan in the room. I place the _thing_ on a pan before turning to Rachel. If possible, I feel a little more proud of our patient.

"You're in charge of this, Berry. Make sure it gets to the chief"

"I'm in charge… of the penis?" she gives me a look that I mostly find cute. This is a new look, a new look that I'd make sure to file in my memory for future reference.

"Yes, Dr. Berry. Is there a problem?" her eyes widen as she shakes her head.

"No, of course there isn't. The penis is mine until I see the chief" the entire room giggles and I raise my eyebrow at her direction. That was certainly interesting put. "Not mine _mine_" she looks mortified.

"We get it, Dr. Berry." She glares, she actually glares at my direction before I turn to leave.

Dr. Pierce joins me again to wash up and I can't help to smile at her direction. The world would be a better place if more people were as brave as our girl in there. More than proud I feel honored to have been in her presence at all.

"Can you imagine that?" I prompt and Pierce laughs again before picking up some towels.

"Bastard got it coming"

"He did, now if she can fight the infection, she'll be fine" she nods weakly before looking up again.

"If she wakes up in the next 72 hours that is" it hits me hard, the knowledge that this girl, this _fighter_ could not wake up and it shouldn't but she reminds me of my sister and she looks familiar and she is brave, she doesn't deserve what's happening. "We should get a drink tonight"

"Yeah" I accept distractedly while thinking that sooner or later we'll find out who did this to our girl in there. He is going to need medical attention and wherever he goes we'll be ready to catch him.

"You can tell me why you ended up in Seattle and I'll tell you all the good places you have to visit around here" I meet her stare and smile, small but it's there.

"I'd like that and it's not that big of a story really" I think I know where she's headed with this but I'm not interested in running this show.

"Still, I need alcohol after a day like this"

"I'll see you later"

"Later" she waves just as the door closes behind her back. Dr. Thomas might have mentioned something about retiring soon and that only made him that much more eager to hire me but I'm not that kind of person. I can run my own show and be the best in my area –and I am- but I can't be the best with an entire hospital on my back slowing me down. That's someone else's job.

I have three more consults before I can start my own research and find out who our fighter truly is and then I finally have some time to check on her since this morning and I'm a little surprised to find Rachel standing outside of the room, watching through the opened blinds. She's carrying a cooler with the penis inside.

"Is she going to be okay?" she asks as soon as I stand close to her, although she hasn't turned around to see me. I look ahead and my throat instantly tightens at the state that our patient finds herself.

"If she…"

"Catherine" she cuts me off. "Her name is Catherine, I found her wallet inside her purse. Her birthday is coming up in a few weeks."

I stare at Rachel for a moment longer until her face turns slowly to look at me and right now more than anything, I wish that I could reach out and embrace her, reassure her but I have to settle for fisting my hands inside of my pockets. I knew her name and at this moment I know everything there is to know about Catherine but still, Rachel's care moves me completely.

"Catherine" I repeat and nod my head. "If Catherine wakes up in the next 72 hours then we'll make sure that everything is okay."

"Rachel" I call her name again and wait until her eyes meet mine. "Come with me."

I don't wait for an answer before I open the door to Catherine's room, thankfully Rachel is behind me as I close the door.

"I've called every hospital in the state. Whoever did this to her is going to need medical attention sooner rather than later and he is going to walk inside one. This" I touch the cooler in her hands as her big eyes hang onto every word I'm saying, "this penis that you're carrying now is going to nail him and we'll be ready."

She nods weakly and hugs the cooler a bit closer to her body and I know that she's going to keep it safe until the responsible for this appears.

"Where is her family? Is there anyone here for her yet?" she asks as I take a seat and pat the empty space beside me. I wait until she's next to me to speak.

"She doesn't have any"

"Anyone?" my heart aches but I swallow the knot in my throat as I vow to be here with Catherine until she wakes up.

"No. Her parents are dead. She moved to Seattle a month ago. This isn't a very good welcome for her"

"For anybody really."

We fall into a comfortable silence as I update Catherine's chart and Rachel stares at nothing in particular. It's a little scary how much I care for this woman, this brunette goddess after so little time and a few stolen kisses. It scares me.

"Are you okay, Rachel?"

"Yes" she says, "I just need to ask you for a favor"

"Of course, what do you need?"

"There is a baby up in PEDS and I saw him have a TETS spell and I think I heard a murmur"

"Oh" I immediately assumed it was something personal of hers but this could be the closest I've gotten to personal with her since she woke up in my bed weeks ago.

"Can you maybe check him up?"

"Did PEDS ask for a consult?"

"Actually no, they're not doing anything about it"

"They need to ask for a consult Rachel"

"But they're not doing anything and I'm sure I heard something."

There are protocols about consults but there is also our patient's wellbeing coming first every time. "Sure, I have another consult to cover first. I'll meet down you in PEDS."

I stand up but her hand on my wrist impends me from walking out of the room and then her lips on mine take away all my abilities at once. This time my hands don't hesitate and I drop the chart to be able to wrap my arms around her slim waist as my lips melt with hers in a soft, languid and perfect kiss. When we pull back I'm out of breath and I keep my eyelids close in order to breathe her in.

"Quinn" she whispers in my ear and I realize of how hard I'm pulling her to me, I'm practically carrying her in my arms. I peck her lips before letting her go softly.

"I like when you say my name like that" I peck her lips again.

"Like what?" she asks against my lips.

"Like I've just rocked your world" she slaps my shoulders as her arms fall from around my neck and with her fingers she runs the line of my lips before handing me the chart from the floor.

"You Dr. Fabray are way too egocentric for me" she says but before she can make a run for the door I'm kissing her again. She giggles and has to push me away several times before I finally let her out of the room. She drives me crazy and I can't help it. A few months ago I wouldn't have even bothered with taking a second look at her direction but now everything is different and she makes me feel like a completely different person and I love it.

With one last look at Catherine I get out of the room. "Page me if there are any changes" I call to the nurse and deliver the chart before heading down to my pavilion.

I'd never consider hiding Rachel but that's exactly what we're doing the longer we keep the doors closed and people out of our lives while we develop this relationship.

Perhaps I'm thinking way too much and maybe I'm getting ahead of ourselves but that's exactly what I want with Rachel. I want a relationship and I don't want to hide her.

After updating my patients' charts I finally head down to PEDS. I hear commotion and as I round a corner I find Rachel in the middle of some sort of argument.

"Who authorized you to be here?" Dr. Dent demands to know and just the way he speaks makes me speed up my pace.

"I did" I call out and his eyes snap up to meet mine, his intern frowns at me and a man and a woman look beyond confused.

"How are you, Dr. Fabray" the pediatric greets and I barely manage to nod at his direction before I make eye contact with Rachel. She looks apologetic and I'm assuming that these are the baby's parents, the baby she talked to me about earlier. I excuse us from them before I address the resident.

"Did I just see you messing with my intern, Dr.?"

"No, ma'am" his answer is quick and I smile down at him.

"I need the chart" he is quick -again- to hand me the chart but I'll decide if he's efficient enough.

"There is nothing wrong with the baby. I checked" I look up to find his intern with a scowl on her face and giving me an unimpressed stare. Like I said before, I hate teaching and teaching sometimes involves learning in front of other interns, patients' family members or staff in general.

"Are you sure?" my question is simple and she gives me a simple answer.

"Yes"

"You can guarantee the baby's fine? You're a hundred per cent sure?" she falters and looks at her resident for help but he doesn't offer any. Her light blue eyes look at me and she shrugs her shoulders, as if we're not speaking about a human life, as if I'm asking her if she likes milk on her coffee or something as trivial.

"I don't know. Seventy five per cent?"

"Seventy five isn't enough" she looks chastised but as quick as the disappointment comes, it's gone and I turn to her resident. "He's my patient now. Are we okay with that?"

"Absolutely, Dr. Fabray" he is a quick guy, I'll give him that.

"She can't take our patient!" the intern whispers shockingly and I become more tempted than before to tell her off but I manage to smile and stare.

"Of course she can. She's an attending" he says fast and I turn to the intern, my wide smile intact.

"Which means I can do whatever I want."

I don't wait to see their reaction and with my hand on Rachel's lower back I turn to meet the parents of the baby, my eyes still on the chart.

"Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, I'm Dr. Fabray. Head of Cardio. We're going to run some tests on your little boy and I'll come talk to you within an hour" mostly they look confused but trusting. "Excuse me."

"I need an EKG, chest x-ray and an echo. We'll figure out what is causing that murmur" I tell Rachel as we walk down the hallway and she smiles a new smile at me. This one is small, touching and so perfectly beautiful that is blinding. She's thankful.

"Thank you" she says, her hand squeezing my bicep and I'm so tempted to kiss her but Dr. Lopez is coming towards us.

"They found him" she practically screams at Rachel's direction.

"Who?" Rachel asks as Lopez barely nods at my direction in greeting.

"The rapist, he just came in. Dr. Jones is about to operate on him. Apparently his penis can't be saved. I'm going to scrub in" the emotion is contained, I can tell. If I weren't here Lopez would be jumping up and down that she gets to cut today but either way, I'd let her because that bastard definitely wasn't Satan's favorite today.

"Do you think she lets me in?" I quirk an eyebrow at Rachel. It's a new procedure for her but I didn't know she'd have liked to see this guy.

"I'm gonna need those results as soon as possible, Dr. Berry" I take a step back as Rachel starts to follow after Lopez and for a moment she looks almost sad to be leaving my side, almost. "Find me in Catherine's room"

"I'll meet you there" she smiles and then I watch her run, cooler safely tucked under her arm.

There are no changes on Catherine's state and I want to remain positive because she still has more than fifty hours to show any signs of consciousness but my brain insists to make me very aware of the risks she's running by remaining unconscious for too long.

I'm paged and I'm forced to leave Catherine's side. Time flies by and Dr. Jones surgery takes more than an hour and Rachel is still in the OR with her so I go for the results myself. The hospital still results a little confusing for me, even though I've been here for almost a month and even before that I was here for two weeks when I finished my internship but I still can't find my way around nicely, especially to the lab but after ten minutes of wondering around I finally manage.

"There you are!" Rachel exclaims from behind me.

"How was surgery?" I ask as I read the results and inspect them.

"We did everything we could" the tone in her voice makes me look at her and I see she's being playful and I like it, another thing to file.

"I'm sure" she laughs and I do too. That guy won't need his penis again and he won't have it either, so...

"Why do you still have the penis?" I point to the cooler.

"The police isn't here yet and the protocol says I have to carry it around until they get here. So, it's still mine"

"That's unfortunate" I fold the papers before finally giving her my undivided attention. Surgery looks good on her, the glowing in her eyes right now can't be compared with anything.

"What did you find out?"

"It's a birth defect" we start walking towards PEDS and again, I'm tempted to hold her hand but my self-control seems to be getting a little stronger around her, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. "Tetralogy of fallout with pulmonary atresia"

"So, I was right" she stops walking and I do as well.

"You were right. Book an OR for tomorrow and you can scrub in with me"

"Thank you" the _thank you_ smile makes a comeback and I like it just as much as the first time I saw it.

"I have to tell you something Rachel" she frowns as I falter and finally understand another issue with -trying to- date an intern. "You can never do what you did before with the Johnsons. Speaking with the parents of a patient behind their doctor's back, trying to steal a patient from another service of the hospital. I will always have your back but you can't do that again, alright?"

"Alright" she smiles and I chuckle out of instinct. I didn't expect her to accept that so well. "I understand and thank you again."

I watch her as she goes and this time she turns around and smiles softly at me, almost sheepishly and it becomes very apparent that watching her walk away will be a habit that I'm most definitely happy to keep.

The Johnsons are reasonable people, for which I am grateful. Explaining their baby's situation is a little terrifying and their eyes prove that but they look optimistic and once again I'm trusted with a life. I'll have to study the procedure tonight again and be sure than I am well prepared for it.

Catherine's state is the same and for some reason I feel incredibly disappointed. I want her up, she needs to wake up and keep on living, keep on fighting.

I enter her room again and decide to update the baby's chart as I wait but after hours of being here I find myself a little edgy. Her monitor doesn't show any changes and the hallway is calmer than ever, even though I've kept the door open. Whenever there is calm, it's usually followed by storm. It happens everywhere at any given moment.

"How is she?" her voice startles me. Rachel's hair looks a little messy but it only ads to her beauty.

"No change" she frowns as I rub my face with my hands and sink deeper on this couch.

"How long how you been here?" she asks as she walks inside, cooler still in her hands. "Have you been here all night?" her voice is laced with concern as she sits down next to me.

"I think so. I have two sisters, you know? One lives in Los Angeles and has two beautiful children, twins" I smile at the memory of my niece and nephew, but the smile quickly disappears when I look at Catherine again. "The younger one is still studying, she lives close to my mom and if I were in a coma, they'd be here. My mom would probably be the first one to get here and my sisters would soon follow, and I'd want them here" swallowing the knot in my throat I look at Rachel. "Not having no one to care" I shake my head. "I can't imagine that."

"I can" she says with a smile on her face that throws me off, then she's giggling and reaching out to tuck some hair behind my right ear. I catch her hand before she pulls away and I just hold it in the middle of the small sofa.

"So, we're kissing but we're not dating?" I prompt and she giggles again.

"I should have known you were going to remember that"

"Of course I remember, it's the best part of my day. Kissing you is great, I'm all for it" she blushes and ducks her head. I follow her outside of the room and to the nurse station in front of Catherine's room.

"I have no idea what you're talking about"

"I can see a locker room from here, an _empty_ locker room" I lower my voice just a bit and she shakes her head. "Is it going to happen again? Because I like to be prepared, you know?"

"Shut it" she mutters. "I caught you by surprise last time"

"Oh, so there is going to be a next time"

"Stop talking now" she laughs and I decide to give her that. Our eyes meet and I'm not eager to break this connection and neither is she. I like her eyes, I like how a sea of emotions seem to swim in them in such a small amount of time. I like her eyes.

"Her birthday" she suddenly says and looks away. "I was checking Catherine's chart and her birthday is the same as mine, and someone beat the crap out of her. We share our birthdays and she has no one."

It clicks, her connection with our _fighter_ clicks and somehow I know that she's not telling me everything, her eyes are a sea, a wide open sea and it falters to hide her emotions.

I'm about to reach out and touch her but Catherine's monitor starts flat lining and we both run inside of her room. I lower her bed as Rachel pushes the code button.

"Her ICP's doubled. Page Dr. Pierce, now!" the team comes rushing in and Dr. Pierce comes just as quickly.

"Talk to me Dr. Fabray" she takes the chart from Rachel's hands.

"Her ICP's doubled"

"Get me an OR prepped for a craniotomy" Lopez is right beside her and eager to help. There's not much I can do to help here and I watch with morbid worrisome as Pierce takes Catherine in for an emergency surgery.

I start pacing the now empty and quiet hallway as Rachel watches me from the nurse station where she's resting from carrying the cooler everywhere. I don't know why I'm letting this affect me so much, it shouldn't but she reminds me of my little sister and I can't not worry.

"What is going to happen now?" I stop pacing and look up to find Rachel looking even more concerned than I probably do.

"We wait."

And the waiting becomes almost unbearable. At one point I sit down, I attend another consult but Rachel doesn't go anywhere. She still has the cooler and the police hasn't arrived yet. Almost two hours go by and Dr. Pierce finally comes out of surgery. I don't have to go to her because she knows I've been waiting.

"I had to leave her scull flap off until the pressure in her brain goes down" she's updating the chart a little too tiredly and I immediately understand what she's just said but I can't bring myself to say it out loud. It isn't fair, she didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves to go through this.

"She's not gonna make it, is she?" Rachel asks from behind the counter.

"She's gonna be fine" Pierce rubs her hands together before picking up the pen again.

"If she ever wakes up" Rachel states.

"If she ever wakes up" Pierce consents with a slight nod of her head before walking off in the opposite direction.

When they bring Catherine back to her room I sit on the same sofa again but I'm not feeling as sad as I did before. I feel angry with the monster that did this to her. She's twenty three, had a life ahead of her and now everything she has is probably this hospital room and a coma. It isn't fair.

I dial my sister's number and breathe out in relieve when she answers and tells me that she's home and that she's going to spend the weekend with mom. She asks me to go back, tells me that nothing has to change, that I don't have to see _her_, and as usual I tell her the same, that I'm alright, that I'm starting over and that I can't do that in New York. She desists and passes the phone to our mother who is a bit –a lot- more difficult to convince that I'm alright but eventually -and with the calm that my family is okay- we hang up with promises to visit each other soon or as my mother still phrases it, me going back home.

The morning comes and goes without any changes and at one in the afternoon I leave Catherine's side in favor of the Johnson baby. When I enter the baby's room, Lopez and Rachel are already there.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Fabray" Lopez jumps and hands me the chart. She is eager to stand out while I'm eager to make Rachel blush, which she does. "The baby is prepped for surgery, ma'am"

"Thank you, Dr. Lopez. Dr. Berry?"

"Yes, ma'am?" I cringe at how formal that sounds and how old it makes me feel, and especially at how I never want to hear Rachel call me that again.

"Get ready to scrub in" I smile at her but her eyes quickly widen as she nods her head. Lopez' mouth falls open in shock and I remember that she was the one prepping the baby, although it is Rachel's patient. "Trying to steal patients, Dr. Lopez?" her mouth snaps closed and she shakes her head in negative. I'm honestly amused by this girl, she reminds me of an old classmate that later on became a great friend, and they are the kind of Doctors who would kill for a cut. "Nice try."

"Thank you" she whispers as she slips out of the room. I wink at Rachel before leaving and she shakes her head at me but I can tell she's amused.

"Fifteen blade please" Kurt, a scrubs nurse hands me the tool in the OR and I look up to Rachel, who is standing close to me. "We'll be using a median approach for a tranventricular repair with a right ventriculostomy, so we have to open him up."

She nods and her eyes smile at me before she focuses back on my hands. This baby was lucky that Rachel was near him when she was or else this condition would have make his life a living hell later on.

When I finish opening the baby's chest I look at Rachel again. She is so focused on my hands that it makes me proud to see her so entranced in it. "Are you ready to hold the clamp?"

"What?" eyes wide, voice cracking and body practically humming with excitement, she looks at me.

"Ready or not, Dr. Berry?"

"Yes, yes. Of course."

She reminds me of Christmas morning when I couldn't stand still until I got all my presents open and sat down with a hot chocolate mug warming up my hands. She reminds me of happy days and easy smiles, and everything that is good and I just want to keep her close, make her laugh like I'm doing right now by letting her hold a clamp.

When we finish the surgery she's still humming with contained energy and I can't help but smile. She is talking a mile a minute as she retells me everything that we just did while we wash up, like I hadn't been in there at all and I listen patiently, smile and even offer details that slip her mind.

She drives me crazy and I love it.

"I can't wait to tell" she smiles as we stop at the nurse station where I start updating the baby's chart quickly.

"Who are you going to tell?"

"They're gonna be so jealous that I got to hold the clamp, especially Santana" she claps her hands, she actually claps and jumps up and down at the same time, and it's the most adorable thing that I've ever seen anyone do.

"Lopez?" I hand the chart to a nurse and keep walking.

"Yes, that's her. I can't wait to tell her."

I see two police officers standing outside of a room and I immediately know whose room that is. Another intern stops Rachel in the hallway and we have to say goodbye before I make my way back to the nurse station. I find his chart and read through the lines fast. For some reason I'm not glad for what happened to this guy, I'm just angry for the things that he's done. My stomach twists inside of me at the thought of him and that's why I walk towards his room.

"He's still a patient" I turn to the left where Dr. Jones is staring me down but soon her face softens, as if she understands me even though she has no idea of who I am or what it's going through my mind.

"I know" I don't wait for an answer before I stride inside his room and slam my hands on his bed, hard. He looks in pain, sleepy and so disgustingly regretful that it makes me sick. He's handcuffed to the bed.

"The good news is that Dr. Jones stopped your bleeding. The bad news is we've given your penis to the cops. Have a nice life."

I walk out but I don't do it fast enough and the tears sprinkling down the sides of his face only make me angrier.

I decide that after a thirty hour shift I need to get home and decide to take a look at the baby before but Rachel and the other interns are standing outside of his room, watching in by the glass window and instead I stop to look at the girl that has stolen my sleep for the last month.

Rachel looks at me and we see each other for a moment until Lopez calls her name and they leave.

I change my clothes but I don't leave as planned and end up in Catherine's room again. At some point I fall sleep on the sofa but when I wake up and see our _fighter_'s fingers stretching I almost burst in tears. She opens her eyes slowly, confusedly and frighten. Her frantic eyes focus on me and I can almost hear her screaming before I take her hand and caress her with my thumb.

"Welcome back." I smile softly at her but don't say anything else. I page Pierce and wait for her to arrive before I leave the room. We agree that our drink can wait a few days.

Getting to the elevator I find Rachel again and now I'm really starting to believe that the world wants us together. I smile at my own thoughts as she breathes out.

"You know there are lines" she says as I walk inside the elevator alone. "That are dangerous to cross" she smiles and even though she's saying no and I understand it, it also makes me giddy at the opportunity to show her differently.

"It depends on who is waiting on the other side of that line and it's not always dangerous but thrilling"

"I'm so taking the stairs" she laughs and turns around.

"No self-control. That's just sad."

The doors close and I go home alone but the thoughts about what could be never leave me. I've always liked a challenge and Rachel definitely is one.

…


	3. Always look both sides

**3. Always look both sides**

…

As every doctor out there I also feel like my entire life is in the Hospital I'm currently working, especially now I feel like I don't have another reason to wake up in the morning but I'm not complaining, waking up knowing that you get to safe lives it's not too shabby if you ask me.

The day is beautiful and instead of taking my car I decide to walk the seven blocks to the Hospital, I get coffee on the way and even smile at a stranger walking opposite to me.

"Dr. Jones. Good morning" I'm only two blocks away when I see her but she's looking everywhere expect at me. "I didn't know you walk to work in the morning"

"Shut it" she says and she's not being rude –per se- but she looks extremely worried as she glances up and down the avenue.

"You do realize that I'm an attending and you're a resident, right?" but it did stink to have her telling me to _shut it. _"That you practically work for me, right?" her only response is to ignore me completely.

"I know I'm forgetting something. Something is happening today. I feel like I should know what it is but I just can't remember" she shakes her head, murmuring to herself and I decide that it's still a beautiful day and she's not going to ruin it for me.

"Nice to see you, Dr. Jones."

I'm about to cross the street but I hear Jones gasping and I turn around just in time to feel a strong wave of air passing by me and then I have Jones pinned against me as several bike riders fly by us down the avenue. I can feel my heart beating everywhere. I see three of them crashing on the pavement, hard but they stand up and keep going, another one barely manages to avoid collision with a moving car and another one is pushed several feet ahead when his bike makes impact with a truck.

"For fuc…"

"No cussing in front of me" she taps my shoulder before stepping back and dusting her clothes as if I had something on me. I roll my eyes but for some reason I can't find this woman anything but incredible. "I remember now" she says as we start walking together but just as we cross the street another group of riders start to pass by and the majority of them crash right in front of our eyes. It's like a watching a massacre.

"Call to the hospital and tell them to be prepared" I ask her before I rush to one boy on the floor who is bleeding profusely.

This is the most reckless thing I've ever seen in my entire life and I come from New York! As I try to stop the bleeding from this guy's ripped abdomen, Mercedes checks the pulse on another. Thankfully I can hear the sirens getting closer.

I should probably try to calm this man but the truth is I can't focus on anything else besides his body. I have pulled out my jacket to try to contain the bleeding as much as I can. When the paramedics get to the scene the streets are surrounded by the police and two fire trucks are trying to put out the flames of two burning cars.

My guy bleeds out before we get to the hospital.

Jones' interns are waiting for us when we arrive but as soon as I get off the ambulance I call the time of death, barely catch a glimpse of Rachel's worried eyes as she sees all the blood on me and disappear inside. I need to take this clothes off and have a quick shower.

My pager goes off as soon as I step outside of the shower and I dress as fast as I can, leaving the room with my coat in my arm and trying to attach the pager to the waist band of my pants.

"What do we have?" I enter the exam room to find Lopez, Rose and Dr. Pierce walking in right behind me.

"Unidentified John Doe, mid-thirties pedestrian, hit by a motorist swerving to avoid a bike, GCS 3. Pupils fixed and dilated. Atropine given for a pulse in the forties. Bp 183 over 112. Pulsed at 98 percent." Lopez updates me in one single breath.

"Chest films show wider mediastinum and head CT revealed cerebral oedema. He's gotten 78 mannitor, dexamethasone 10 and a gram of phenytoin" Dr. Rose finishes.

"This looks like your area more than mine" I pass the chart to Pierce who quickly starts to examine the patient.

"Yeah, this is one of mine."

"Should I get him ready?" Lopez asks even though this guy won't be needing any kind of operation.

"Is he corked?" I ask for confirmation.

"Looks like" Pierce nods and I sigh.

"Can anyone tell me, what the hell is going on with the bikes?" I blurt out.

"Wait, we're not operating?" Lopez looks extremely shocked at the prospect that she didn't land a surgical case.

"I do the operating, not you" Pierce says and smirks when Lopez murmurs something under her breath. "Do an EEG, and confirmatory tests. If he doesn't respond in six hours. Declare him."

Another victim because of this bike race. It's unbelievable now to even think about these kind of events. We leave the room and I wait for her until she updates the chart and leaves it on the nurse station.

"About this race?"

"It's called the Dead Baby Bar, it happens twice a year"

"Please tell me you're joking" she shakes her head sadly as realization washes over me. There will be more victims because of this.

"It's illegal, underground kind of thing. Insane even, a group of bike messengers racing against traffic trying to beat each other for free shots of tequila."

I stay behind, afraid that the information is going to make my knees give in. We do everything in our hands to save lives, while there are people out there doing everything they can to end them. This will be one hell of a day for everyone.

I get two more pages and both are from nurses waiting for me to declare patients. I've never seen something like this, the ER is packed, every single bed is occupied, and there is not one staff member who isn't working right now.

I get a little girl who was riding in the passenger seat of her mother's car who has hit her head on the side of the window, luckily her injury is superficial and she'll be alright but I hear Jones declaring her mother as the chief hurries out of the ER to perform an emergency surgery.

I operate on a fifty two year old woman who was also caught in the bike race. Everything works out fine and after I speak with her four children the noise is finally going down around the entire hospital.

And just like that I've already been here for six hours.

"Rough day, huh?" Tina, a nurse comments as I pass her the chart of Mrs. Laura. I sigh and lean on the counter.

"Is it like this every year?" she nods unimpressed and shrugs her shoulders.

"They never learn. The fatalities only increase every year and the police can never stop them. They've tried."

"_He isn't dead_"

"_Yes, he is!"_

"_He has a heartbeat."_

Tina raises her eyebrows and she doesn't need to say anything to know what she's thinking. _Interns. _Rose and Lopez keep discussing in a patient's room about whether or not he is dead. Lopez looks angry, she probably considers this a waste of her time but Rose looks the complete opposite and I walk closer to the room, until I'm leaning on the doorframe.

"He could wake up. What about a miracle? There are medical miracles, you know." Marley Rose argues and when Lopez rolls her eyes I walk inside.

"You're right. Miracles happen" I check on John Doe myself and confirm that there are no changes. "People wake up and we can't explain why" I look at Marley and she nods appreciatively. "That's why we do a series of tests over a set number of hours like Dr. Pierce said before, so when we call time of death, we know that we've done everything in our power to make sure it's actually his time of death. There aren't going to be any miracles today and this is the hard part. To stand around as surgeons and not cut. That's what 'do not harm' means."

Marley smiles softly and swallows visibly. A person that gets too attached to a dying patient never sticks around. At the end our decisions as surgeons is what safes lives or not, and we can't let feelings get in the way of logic once we're about to make calls.

I leave the room with the intention to help in the ER but the sight of Rachel laughing with a guy makes me stop and instead of making my presence known I freeze in place as the guy stands up and tries to kiss her. She's quick enough to block his advance with her hands on his chest though.

I round the room immediately and throw the door open. "What do we have here?" I fix the dumbass with a glare but he only smiles dopily at Rachel's direction.

"I was just leaving but I'll be coming back for sure. I'll brake something off just to come back" he shrugs, trying to be seductive and Rachel blushes before the guy walks out of the room.

"What was that? Was he trying to make a move on you?" she finally looks at me with a calm expression that I just can't understand.

"He was just being friendly"

"If you consider that friendly, then you must be one hell of a friend" jealousy aside, it's kind of endearing the way she tries to see the bright side in everything, even when some stupid looking boy was trying to kiss her.

"I don't want to know what's that supposed to mean" by the way she's squinting her eyes, I'd beg to differ. "Did you need anything Dr. Fabray?"

"Not really. I was just looking for an excuse to say hi" she smiles and her blush deepens when our eyes meet. I have to control myself to not reach out and touch her right now.

"Careful, you don't want me to think that you were jealous" she smiles mischievously.

"I don't do jealous, honey. I'm not that insecure" _yeah, right. _

"Cockiest person I've ever met actually"

"I'm still your boss" I tease and her mouth falls open as I laugh lightly.

"Who I had sex with"

"You don't need to remind me. I have a very good memory" I smile down at her and realize that we're much closer than we were a second ago and the funny things is, that I don't want to put distance between us. She ducks her head and I'm tempted to raise it with my fingers on her chin, but then her eyes are back up, staring at me.

"Go out with me" I whisper so lightly, so caught in her eyes that I don't notice her hands on my chest until she pushes once.

"No."

For a moment I stay silent but when I see her trying to fight off a growing smile I laugh with her. And god! Will I do anything to get her to say yes.

"How would you feel if I die and you didn't get a chance to go out with me?" she huffs and turns around to gathers the sheets. "Seriously, I almost die this morning"

"I didn't peg you for a drama queen and get over yourself already."

I laugh with her and even help passing her with the pillow but the question remains. I could see myself doing this with her in my place, or hers, I don't really care.

"Come on. Go out with me. If the first five minutes suck then I'll pay for everything"

"You'll have to pay anyway. If you ask me out then I expect to be courted and that includes paying for my meal"

"That's a yes then?" she shakes her head, smiling all the way as she finishes up.

"It's the chase, isn't it?" she sounds almost serious.

"What?"

"The thrill of the chase. See, I've been thinking about this just as much as you probably have"

"You've been thinking about me?" she ignores my attempts at flirting.

"I've been wondering, why are you so hell bent on getting me to go out with you. You're my boss, you are aware that it goes against the rules. I keep saying no and yet, you're still trying. So I think I'm safe to assume that you're just excited by the chase."

I hate the way she thinks that I love it so much at the same time.

"You have to admit it's fun, right?"

"You see? This is only a game to you. But not to me, because unlike you, I still have something to prove in this place."

With one last sad look, she leaves the room. She's not saying no to me in particular, she's saying no to the situation, to her reputation probably being stepped on. She's saying no because she wants to deserve whatever she gets and most importantly, she wants her colleagues to know that she deserves what she gets.

I admire her for that. I respect her for that but it still sucks to be her boss. The day goes on.

When I have time to spare I like to read. As a surgeon, is very important to always keep up with new advances in technology, new discoveries and new methods. So I like to read.

"There you are!" Rachel practically screams as she throws the door open to the attending room.

"It seems like it" somehow, her careless moment makes her more attractive in my eyes. I like her spontaneity, her spirit. The life in her is pulling me in.

"Here's the thing" she sits down in the coffee table, right in front of me and taking the magazine from my hands, she makes sure that she has my entire attention before speaking. I just let her go on with it. "There's a John Doe who is a great candidate for organ donation but he happens to need a heart surgery before it's too late."

Mentioning how adorable she is right now is probably not a good idea. "Wait, is this the brain dead patient from this morning? Rose and Lopes's patient?"

"Yes and he needs to get his heart fixed before it's too late" she smiles wider than before but I already know what she's here to ask and this shouldn't be as amusing as it's turning out to be, but I know the feeling. This could be a great surgery where they'd all collaborate, learn, get to cut and learn some more. They're eager and their ambition can help safe a couple of lives in the way.

"So you came to me for advice?" she rolls her eyes but nods her head, only slightly annoyed that I've chosen this particular moment to tease her.

"Yes"

"Now who's doing the chasing?" she squints her eyes as I fight back laughter.

"Not the right moment to tease and not funny at all. This is important"

"I know, I'm sorry. I'll be more than happy to collaborate if you assist me on it."

She leans in and for a moment I really think she's going to kiss me but she stops right when I can taste the sweetness of her breath, and backs up leaving me hanging and wishing for that contact.

"About that date?" I prompt and she lets out a deep breath.

"Still saying no"

"Then I'll keep asking." She smiles and caresses my cheek with her fingers before she stands up and leaves the room. She's going to say yes, I know she is and it's not exactly because I can offer amazing surgeries.

I don't get to see her scrubbing in but her mere presence while I operate it's enough to make this OR a little brighter.

"Amazing job, ma'am" Lopez praises me as I finish up.

"Flawless really. If this guy were alive he'd be standing in the next couple of days."

I look up just in time to see Rachel playfully rolling her eyes. What can I say? I love me some praise and this was really one of my best surgeries and the guy happens to be brain dead.

"Lopez, can you stich him up?"

"Of course, ma'am. It'd would be my pleasure" she's eager, too eager.

"Lopez?" I call her as I take off my scrubs.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Don't call me ma'am. My mother was ma'am, my grandma was ma'am. I'm not old enough for that yet."

Lopez looks lost and frantically eyes up everyone in the OR before looking back at me, and I can already tell that she'll be fun to have around.

"How do I call you then?"

"Doctor, Fabray, Quinn. Pick the one that suits you best. Great work everyone."

When I make my way out of to the hallway I find Pierce yelling at another intern -the mohawk kid- and she does not look happy. This is probably the worst part of working with interns. They're here to learn but we don't exactly teach lessons with a board and desks. They learn with practice, we all do and the learning process never ends. The thing is that the interns' job is reflected on us, in every single one of us. If they mess up, we are all messing up.

"I didn't peg you to be a badass" I say when she joins me at the nurse station. She growls under her breath but her eyes show nothing but tiredness.

"Usually I'm not but this kitty can scratch hard if she's pissed and that kid, dear God!" I laugh and she joins right away.

There are different kind of Doctors out there. There are the ones that like some praise –in which category I'd include myself-, there are the ones that do their jobs as best as they can and don't care for praise because they know how good they are, which would be the ones with a God complexes. Then there are the ones that are eager to teach because they like having their asses kissed and the ones that like to teach because they are eager to share. Last, there are the ones that like to teach life lessons along with actual knowledge. Yes, we save lives and yes, we all have God complexes but we're not Gods and the faster we learn that, the faster we become better doctors. But teaching interns that, it's the _fun_ part.

The last one is the one in which most of us will fall into though, and we all love it. One way or another we all like power, and not only doctors.

"He's getting to your nerves already"

"Pissing me off isn't easy Fabray, I'll tell you that much"

"Noted" she smiles lightly, confidently and probably thinking the same thing that I am. She's not so bad.

"See ya tomorrow, Doctor Fabray"

"Have a good night, Doctor Pierce."

I'm not on call tonight but I stay until late anyway. In New York I tried hard to have my schedule cleared by the end of the day because I had a home to go back to, a life that I was happy to have. That's not the case here in Seattle. I have nothing but a lifeless hotel room to go back to. Life is in this Hospital. It's all I have to hold onto. So I linger until I'm exhausted or either asked to leave. Dr. Jones takes care of kicking me out at night when she's on call and I'm not.

"_You can't call me names Puckerman!_" I stop instantly when I hear Rachel's voice and open the door to the interns' locker room to find her grabbing a tall guy by the neck of his shirt. "You don't know who I am. You don't know anything about me, so don't walk around acting like you do. Don't come in here and blubber your mouth as if you've know all of me. I have more important things to deal with than you."

Curious more than anything I stand by the door and watch with mild disgust as Puckerman fakes boredom as Rachel yells at him. What could he have possible said to her to get a reaction like that?

"You want to act like a little frat boy bitch? That's fine. I don't give a damn. You want to talk crap behind my back and try to take credit for the things that I do? That's fine too. When this program is over we'll see who remains and who leaves this place. In the meanwhile, just stay out of my face!"

"What is going on in here?" they both turn their heads to me instantly. Rachel's angry but lets go of his shirt as the cocky guy just smirks and then walks up to me.

"She stacked me!" Rachel rushes towards him with the whole intention of hitting him, but I rush as well and wrap my arms around her midsection to keep her from doing something that could cost her her career.

"Rachel, it's okay. Calm down" she fights my hold as I try to calm her down. "It's okay"

"Were you about to hit me?" Rachel rushes towards him again and this time I have to pull her harder behind.

"Just leave Puckerman and don't you dare open up your mouth again or I'll let her go and cheer her up while she beats you with her tiny fists."

He leaves but not before mocking Rachel one last time before the door closes behind his back. I take a deep breath to calm my own anger and then turn around. Her eyes lock hard with mine as she pants heavily. She's obviously still pretty upset by whatever that guy told her.

"What is it?" I ask, almost plead actually.

"Nothing" her answer comes too fast and loud. She's lying and I don't think it's a good idea to push. Not yet. So instead I look at her and implore with my eyes for her to tell me what's wrong. She doesn't though, and I watch in silence as she picks up her jacket with unnecessary force before standing in front of me. But she doesn't say a word and only sighs before leaving the room.

John Doe turns out to be Kevin Davidson and his wife arrives to the Hospital at the crack of dawn, a sobbing mess. I haven't moved from the waiting area since Rachel left, almost six hours ago.

I can't stop thinking about her reaction and what it could have caused it. What did Puckerman say to make her so upset? I had sex with this girl, I've seen this girl in the most vulnerable way that a person can look to another and yet, I have absolutely no idea of who she is. I've been thinking about her nonstop and she's the only true friend that I have in this town and yet, I have _no idea_ of who she is.

Lopez arrives early and she doesn't take long to localize Kevin Davidson's wife and talk her into organ donation. Soon I'm paged to his room where Lopez and Rose are prepping him for surgery.

Perhaps I need a coffee and a few hours of sleep to feel better, but deep down I know that my state isn't physical but rather emotional and I can't even begin to understand how I let this happen. How I let a stranger –because that's what Rachel is right now- get in so deep?

"I never like harvesting"

"Why?" I look up and realize that I've spoken out loud and Lopez looks at me expecting an answer.

"I'm a surgeon. I'm supposed to save lives. Today we're ending this one."

Dr. Rose whispers something is the patient's ear and even before Lopez comes up with an insult for her, I smile lightly.

"Sorry, I was just…"

"You were saying goodbye."

Perhaps Marley Rose gets attached, but perhaps she's not a bad doctor because of it. Perhaps, she's one of the good ones and that's more than okay. In the meanwhile she deserves to have my faith.

When I walk inside the OR there are at least a dozen of waiting Doctors. Each one of them will take one organ from Kevin, and that organ will help saving someone else.

"Okay everyone. Let's do this."

There's no road to go, nowhere to get to. I'm going to kill this man. I'm in charge of ripping him apart.

By the end of the day I'd have helped save a dozen lives. That's what I tell myself the second I make the first incision anyway.

Lopez is amazing assisting. I can tell that she does her homework and she doesn't do it halfway. She's good. She's going places.

One by one I take out his organs and watch as they are distributed among the waiting doctors. The moment I extract his heart I ask the nurse to turn off the monitor. The guy who gets the heart runs out as soon as he has it. His patient doesn't have much time left.

With time I've grown a thicker skin, which was never my intention but it's impossible to avoid. However, when someone dies in my OR I can't help to _feel_. This was someone's son, someone's brother, someone's father and his wife is still out there waiting for us to finish in here.

One by one, my team for the day leaves the room. Lopez is smiling, she's just witnessed a great procedure and I'm sure she'll brag about it with the rest of the interns. I'd have done the same thing when I was her age.

"Are you coming?" she calls Dr. Rose who hasn't moved an inch from the table.

"I think I'm going to sew him up" against my will I feel my lips stretching. Her heart doesn't make her a bad doctor. It just makes her human and human it's not nearly as bad.

"Okay."

Surprisingly, Lopez joins Rose and I decide to stay as well. It's never right to assume, I know that, but it's still one of my biggest faults. One of humanity biggest faults actually. We always assume and we're almost always wrong about those assumptions. I thought Dr. Rose was just another touchy girl that ended up in Medicine for all the wrong reasons but she's proving to be a great Doctor with a big heart and an even greater potential. I had a different idea of Lopez and she's already shown today that she actually cares. Behind all her ambition there's just another girl and that's alright too, that's perfectly alright.

I did the same thing with Rachel. I assumed she was someone that she's clearly not. I assumed she was happy just because I like her smile, I assumed she had no problems because I simply don't know if she does or not. I assumed and I shouldn't have. What I'm saying is that I want to know her, I want to know if she's happy, what makes her happy. I want to know her everything and the only way I can do that is if I just step up my game. Try harder.

I find her in the locker room. She's just changed and showered, her hair is damp and when she looks up I realize that I've been dying to see her since last night.

"It's not the chase" I tell her and she frowns before tilting her head to the side.

"What?"

"You and me. It's not the thrill of the chase. I don't consider you a game" she sits down and I walk closer, and sit down next to her. "I consider you so much more than that" I reach out softly and she smiles lightly as I push her hair behind her shoulder.

"So it's not the thrill?" she raises her eyebrows, obviously amused.

"No, it's your hair"

"My hair" she smiles and leans in my hand as I caress her chin with the back of my fingers.

"It smells delicious and it's not just that"

"Keep going" she encourages me.

"You're bossy, I like that. You make me fall into line very easily."

I kiss her when she opens her mouth to speak and it feels so good to just let go and taste her again. I didn't know how much I've been missing the heat of her breath until this very moment and I don't want to miss it again. She kisses me just as hard, I feel her teeth dragging on my bottom lip and her nails scratching my scalp, but it ends as fast as it started.

I don't open up my eyes and bring my forehead to rest against hers while we catch our breaths. She's still scratching my scalp and I feel so out of breath but I don't let go.

"I'm still not going out with you" she pants and pushes me back to make eye contact.

"Why do you keep saying that?" she looks at me, really looks at me and I let her stare for a long while. She looks pensive, she's studying me, probably going through everything in her head but she never stops scratching my scalp and I never stop feeling comfortable.

"You're so beautiful" she finally says and I instantly feel my cheeks burn with embarrassment. "And hot, you're very hot"

"And I'm a great kisser" I add just for fun. She laughs and untangles my arms from around her waist before standing up.

"Still not going out with you"

"But we're making out" I state and she just gives me this daring look that drives me insane and makes my hands itch with the need to touch her again.

Suddenly the door busts open and a group of interns walk in. There's nothing left to say, not with a dozen of ears eager for gossip to spread.

"Have a good night, Dr. Berry" I smirk as she blushes when I wink at her.

"You too, Dr. Fabray." I don't look back this time and finally head _home. _

…


	4. Intimacy

…

4. Intimacy

I've craved intimacy for so long but I never really got it. A few months back, I was living a different life and I thought I was happy. I had everything I ever dreamt of having but intimacy was lacking. There was love in my life, there was physical intimacy as well but there was never an open door for what it truly needed to be seen or said. It's difficult to let someone else see your true colors, almost impossible but we try anyway. I know that I have.

With Rachel everything is different. I feel like there is no door to open and it scares me as much as I crave to have it completely.

I know she's denying me but I'm not blind and I can read between lines very well. She likes me just as much as I do and she's comfortable with me as much as I'm with her. Not in the mood to jinx my chances here but I do see a future there. Even if she keeps saying no.

"Good morning, Dr. Fabray" Lopez jumps out of nowhere and hands me a cup of coffee. "Three sugars, decaf, black" she smiles, pleased with herself and I take the offered cup.

"Morning, Dr. Lopez. I wonder if you do your medical homework as good as you investigate my likes"

"Of course I do, ma…" she stops midsentence as I stop walking to observe her. "Dr. Fabray. Of course, Dr. Fabray."

I'm sure I'd like her outside of these four walls but the girl has no sense of sarcasm. She walks with me as I drink my coffee. Early mornings are a drag but there is a calm at 5 am in the hospital that I never see in the middle of the day or late at night. And even better when I see a certain intern walking right towards me with her eyes glued to a chart.

"You're here early, Dr. Berry" I speak but her eyes don't connect with mine and she looks straight to Lopez, who quickly says something about a patient and leaves my side. I stay silent as this new revelation settles in. I don't really know how I feel with knowing that I'm not that much of a secret anymore. Someone knows.

"Good morning" she smiles lightly as her cheeks taint a beautiful pink. "What are you doing here at 5 am?" she bites her bottom lip and I take another sip before I make a mistake.

"I have a surgery soon. It won't last long and since we're both here at the crack of down, how about you let me buy you breakfast?"

"I ate at home" she nods, pretending to be sorry.

"What did you have at home?"

"None of your business."

I have to laugh, I was just teasing her and she gets it. I like that.

"Are you a cereal person? Eat it right out of the box?" I push and she hits me in the arm with the chart but quickly backs away, looking everywhere. "You like pancakes?"

"Fine. Leftover pizza from last night. Satisfied?"

"Mmm. I feel sorry now. It's kind of pathetic. I thought you had roommates, don't they cook?"

"Barely have time to shower and get here in the morning. No, we don't cook"

"The more reason to accept my invitation. A good day starts with a good breakfast."

She takes a deep breath now and I know the look. It's the look she wears when she's going to say something that she believes is right but deep down knows that it's not.

"I'm not being seen with you around here. Learn it, live it. This is unprofessional"

"I'm just an attending getting to know one of her interns." I smile lightly, silently letting her know that I'm not pushing anymore. I understand her, I truly do but that doesn't mean that it doesn't bother me that I can't be with her the way I yearn without it being labeled as something that is not.

"The attending slept with the intern" she says, barely controlling her smile.

"The attending barely knew the intern then"

"And that's exactly how it's going to stay."

I also know this look she's giving me right now. I've seen it when she told that guy off the other day. It's determination, so I'll give her what she wants and hope that it truly helps her see if she's right or not.

"So you want me to be professional? I can do that"

"That's all that I want from you"

"Then that's what you get." Her eyes squint as she looks at me, she doesn't know if I'm being serious or not.

"You're gonna be late for your surgery" she reminds me, still a little wandering.

"Nice talking to you, Dr. Berry" I announce rather loudly. I might be willing to do what she wants but I'm not giving up just yet.

My surgery doesn't take long and Lopez is proving to be useful again. I'd love to have her on my service, she's eager to learn but I've seen the spark in her eyes when anything neurological comes in. She's a brain surgeon, she just has to figure that out for herself.

"Fabray. I have a guy with nails in his head" Dr. Pierce says as she walks pass me.

"Is he still alive? Good morning"

"He's talking and asking for his wife. Crazy he didn't get himself killed. I'll see you later."

"Nails?" Lopez stands open mouthed by my side and I just have to laugh at seeing the expression on her face.

"Go. I bet Dr. Pierce needs all the help that she can get right now"

"Thank you, thank you" and she runs away.

The day is rather busy and the nails incident will get the Hospital a mention in the newspaper for sure. I bet the Chief is happy about that.

I end up having breakfast on my own in the Hospital cafeteria, where the coffee isn't that good and the pancakes are more than a little dry but it's food and I'll need the energy for the day that I have ahead. Back to back surgeries await for me and now that Lopez is out of my service, I hope that Dr. Jones has the decency to assign me a smart kid.

My cellphone rings for the hundred time this week and as soon as I see who is calling, I reject it. I left New York behind and I intend to leave it there. I'm not ready to deal with that kind of drama. I don't want to deal with it. I'm starting anew. I'm building myself a clean slate. Don't I deserve that?

As I come close to my patient's room I look up to find Rachel holding the chart close to her chest, a small smile stretching her lips upwards.

"Dr. Jones put me at your service today"

"Uh, dirty talk. I've never really tried it before, but I can give it a shot if you're into that" she blushes instantly as I barely hold back laughter.

"You said you'd be professional" she chastises.

"You started it" I shrug before entering my patient's room. "Good morning Liz, how are you feeling today?"

"A little sleepy dear" the elderly woman holds my hand and pats it before she lets go and coughs to the side.

"Dr. Berry?"

"Fifty five year old woman with adenocarcinoma of the pancreas. Has had radiation therapy to reduce the tumor load. Rates her abdominal pain three out of ten. Positive nausea, but no vomiting. Diarrhea, hematochazia, melena, afebrile with T-max 37-2 and stable vital signs. Lab significant for a total ability of seven and elevated liver enzymes."

"Thank you, Dr. Berry" I nod and Liz chuckles on her bed.

"A little eager, isn't she? I'm surprise she didn't stole my chart during pre-rounds so she could scrub in on my surgery."

"She's eager, yeah. But she knows the lines of respect and humility" I smile and Rachel blushes, which is starting to become my new favorite thing to see her doing. I might drop lines just to see her cheeks burning up from now on.

"You seem familiar dear. Have I met you before?" Liz asks and Rachel's eyes widen a bit before she's shaking her head.

"I get that a lot ma'am. I'm sorry, you must be confusing me for someone else."

As Dr. Thomas walks in and says hello to my patient, who apparently had been a scrub nurse in this Hospital for the last 30 years, I focus on Rachel and the way she blocked out after Liz's comment.

"Anyway, I have to run down the ER. Pierce has a guy with nails in his head" the Chief smiles, he's happy, just like I thought he would be. The procedure Pierce will perform is sure to stay in the books.

"I heard about that. He was even talking and asking questions"

"Wait" Rachel interrupts suddenly. "There's a guy with nails in his head and I'm… here?"

"Dr. Berry, please wait outside" she leaves but not before shooting Liz an apologetic look. I have to remind myself that she's an intern, everything is new and worth learning now, and I have to teach her.

"Let us know if you need anything, Liz. We'll be around"

"You're too kind Dr. Fabray. Don't be too harsh on that poor girl"

"Okay, but just because you asked"

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, dear."

I keep my mouth shut instead and leave the room. I guess I'm not being as modest as I thought I was being after all. My sister always says that my eyes are an open book. Perhaps I should be more careful with the way I look at Rachel.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry" Rachel starts apologizing as soon as I leave the room.

"Keep those thoughts for yourself next time, Dr. Berry"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what happened"

"You weren't thinking. That's what happened. These patients deserve the best of us and when a doctor complains about their procedures being too lame for them to handle, they think that they're not important enough and that's the last thing we want to make our patients feel."

I've stopped walking altogether and Rachel is looking at me with nothing but shock in her eyes.

"I apology again, Dr. Fabray and I'll make sure to apologize to the patient."

She leaves, walking down the hall as I stand watching her and feeling like a complete idiot. But I don't follow her and I go to my next consult. This is the hard part, this is exactly why all of her reasoning plays a big part in all of this. _I am_ her teacher and she's my student. What she did today I've done it as well and I wasn't allowed to watch a single procedure because of it for a whole month. I was punished and forced to apologize as well but I leant and she has to learn too.

The day in cardio isn't that busy after all. Two of my patients cancel their surgeries, so I head to the gallery to watch Dr. Pierce in surgery. Pulling nails out of a man's skull must be a news and it is, I barely find a clear space to get in when I arrive. But as soon as I get inside I see Rachel standing to the side with another intern as they watch the procedure. Perhaps I was a bit rough with her but this whole come and go game has me a little on edge lately.

"As you can see, the patient has shot seven nails directly into the skull without doing significant damage other than the optic nerve, and we may be able to save that." Comes to voice of the Chief through the speakers. He continues to explain to the full gallery. "The idea is to remove the nails at exactly the angle they entered. Any wiggle, and we risk doing more damage than when they went in."

Lopez is right beside Dr. Pierce in the OR and she's as useful as I thought she'd be down there. Just when they're pulling the third nail out Rachel sees me and her eyes like magnets call me and I watch her leave the gallery. This time I don't think before following her and running down to catch the elevator she just got on.

"Rachel…"

"Just because you're frustrated with this thing we have going on, doesn't give you the right to yell at me for a mistake that I can bet isn't that uncommon. Yell at me when I get something wrong or when I don't follow instructions as I should, not because you're frustrated because I keep saying no"

"Rachel, I'm sorry" I stop her rant and her eyes widen again. "I didn't mean to yell just now or before. I'm sorry for the way I reacted. I'm an idiot, please, don't shut me out for this."

We both become quiet and when the elevator stops and the doors slide open neither one of us makes a move to leave, so the doors close again to our side.

"You yelled at me" she softly says.

"And I've never regretted anything as much in my life." She looks down and I push the hold button bringing the elevator to a temporary stop. I cut down the distance between us and hold her hands. "You were right. I am a little frustrated and I like you too damn much to keep trying to control myself, and I understand you. I understand your concerns but look at me in the eye and tell me that you really don't want to give us a chance and I'll leave you alone"

"Now why would I do that?" she asks before holding my nape and pulling me down to crush my lips against hers in a slightly forceful kiss, which I eagerly return.

The kiss soon turns passionate and I'm pushing her against the elevator wall to lower my mouth to her neck. She gasps as my hands slip under her shirt, her muscles jump at my touch and her hands fist my hair in response.

"This…is…inappropriate" she speaks breathlessly.

"This is addictive. You are addictive" I confess right before I kiss her again but instead of deepening the kiss she pushes me lightly when my phones rings again. "It's no one."

"It could be important" she says and I pull back to only reject the call again.

"Not important, see?"

"Talking about important. Have you checked Nurse Liz's labs?" and just like that my heartbeat goes back to normal as she combs her hair back with her fingers.

"I have"

"I thought you'd have a Whipple on the board by now. She seems to be getting worse by the minute."

I push the button and the elevator comes to life again. I really don't know how to break the news to her.

"Should we do something about her condition?"

"We already are"

"Do you want me to schedule the Whipple for you?"

"No but I'd like to see the results of her biopsy, and a look at her overnight labs"

"I'm on call, I can have them for you in the morning"

"Thank you. That'd be great. So…" I hint as the doors slide open and we both walk out.

"Still saying no" she laughs as she takes a chart from the station.

"Right, but we're getting closer now"

"Sure we are."

She leaves as I enter the lunch room where Pierce is sitting down holding a glass to her lips and a bottle of whiskey in front of her.

"Do you have another glass?" she hands me the glass without uttering a word and I sit down with her.

"Seven nails. The guy had seven nails in his head and all he compromised was his optical nerve"

"He's a lucky guy" I take a sip of my drink as she shakes her head from side to side.

"He isn't though. I feel as if we're missing something. Something is going to happen. I have Lopez by his side twenty four seven. I don't want to miss a thing but I can't think of anything"

"You mean something wasn't showing? Did you see anything that could be compromised?"

"No, the surgery was a success. I pulled those things out with minimal bleeding but I've been in the game for a while and I've seen things. No one is that lucky."

After half a bottle with Dr. Pierce and countless of experiences in the OR shared I didn't even think of getting into my car and drive. So here I am, waking in the Hospital with a killer pain in my back for sleeping in the lounge couch. I should have found a bed instead of just laying back. I wonder if Pierce got home okay.

I get to the showers as soon as I can and get into clean robes as well and I walk down the hallway thankful that I'm not a model or else I'd be screwed. Come as it may, destiny definitely wants us together. Rachel is standing right outside my patient's room waiting for me.

"Good morning, Dr. Fabray" she smiles and looks at me weirdly. I might be looking like a ghost but I'm good to go.

"Good morning. What was it today? Cold pizza again?" she rolls her eyes good naturedly.

"Actually nothing yet. I've been checking on Liz all night. I just examined her right now. Here are the results you were wanting for."

I take the exams from her hands and confirm her state. She's worse than she was yesterday and she'll keep dropping no matter what.

"Okay, thank you, Dr. Berry."

I put the labs back and pick up the charts from the nurse station but Rachel doesn't move from where she's been standing the past two minutes.

"Did you check the overnight labs?" she asks worriedly.

"Yes, I did"

"What about her liver panel?"

"It's not good" she muffles a laugh before getting closer to me.

"Exactly. They're bad, they suck. She's chocking on bile, jaundiced. We need to do something fast"

"And we are" I repeat myself.

"You already said that but you haven't programmed the surgery. Should I do it for you?"

"No, Dr. Berry uut thank you. I'll check her biopsy again"

"Screw the biopsy" she quickly looks around at her verbal explosion but doesn't stop when all the audience we have is a nurse. "Why won't you do the Whipple? You've been dragging this on since yesterday and it has me thinking that the only reason this woman has come back to this Hospital is to die."

I don't answer and instead I send off the nurse to check on Liz before grabbing a hold of Rachel's hand when realization obviously washes down on her.

"She doesn't have any family on her own" she looks devastated but this is part of the job. We deal with death on daily basis and we need to be able to handle it. "She's worked in this Hospital for 30 years. The people walking down these hallways are her family, the kids she never had, the brothers and sisters she doesn't have. This Hospital is her home and she wants it to be her last harbor. She doesn't want to go alone."

"She understands it's a hard recovery. She doesn't want to suffer" she meets my eyes and I pull her in for a hug. She wraps her arms around me almost instantly and I hold her tighter.

"She doesn't want to suffer."

We can't blame people for the choices they make. Especially us, as doctors, we are bound to support the decisions after we've made sure that they understand the risks they're summited to. All we can do is advice and give them all the information that we can. At the end of the day we can't force the scalpel on anyone.

Rachel goes off to make sure Nurse Liz has everything she can possible need as Dr. Pierce stands by my side with a very awake Dr. Lopez by her side.

"We found a tumor" she says as she updates a chart. I don't need to ask who she's talking about to know it.

"How dangerous?"

"It's in the midline near the hypothalamus"

"Damn" I pat her shoulder and she takes a deep breath. Sometimes out guts are our best labs out there. We have to trust them.

"Now I have to tell his wife that I might not be able to remove the whole thing and recommend radiation and chemo"

"What about his memory?" she gives me a tired look and takes a deep breath.

"Lopez?" she delegates.

"The tumor is located in the part of his brain where his memory and personality reside. Because of the fuzzy edges of that kind of tumor, Dr. Pierce has to cut out a lot. The patient stands a good chance of losing his memories" cold. All I can think about after Lopez is done is how cold her entire explanation sounded and scary.

"That's not all though, is it?"

"There's a chance he could lose who he is" Dr. Pierce answers. It's unfair, everything about his situation is unfair. He could die if he doesn't have the surgery or he could live five more years without even knowing acknowledging what his wife and children once meant to him.

"What about gamma or cyber knife treatment?"

"The procedure is less invasive and there's a little chance of memory loss but it'll give him less time to live. I'll inform the family of both options though, they'll have a difficult decision to make"

"Difficult doesn't even begin to describe it"

"Tell me about it. There's still half a bottle"

"I'm free after eight"

"Works for me. See you later, Dr. Fabray."

"Good luck."

I've heard a lot of comments about Doctors, most of the people think of us as insensitive, heartless and over the top egocentric. I won't deny and say we're not any of those things, we _are_ egocentric most of the time and we need to keep a cold façade to survive each day, because each day we lose someone and yes, they're not always friends or relatives, they're patients but that doesn't mean that we don't get attached, that doesn't mean we don't feel, that doesn't mean we don't suffer when we have to take a decision that will allow a person to live or die.

We don't want to feel like Gods because we're not and that's not the reason why we decide to become Doctors in the first place. We become Doctors to save lives and most of the time we fail at it.

"How are you doing, Liz?" I enter her room to find Rachel wiping her eyes and taking shallow breaths. "Are you okay?" I'm instantly by her side but she doesn't look up.

"Oh, she's just fine" Liz says from her bed before coughing roughly. "She's just a little touchy that I didn't let you guys open me up"

"Rachel?"

"I'm fine, really" but her eyes are puffy and there are tear stains on her cheeks.

"I don't believe that."

Suddenly Liz's machines start beeping away. Her time is here and when Rachel tries to run to her side I have to hold her by the waist.

"What are you doing? We have to help her!"

"She's DNR. We can't do anything. Let her go, this is what she came here for. Let her go."

She fights me for another minute and then I'm carrying her entire body weight in my arms as she cries. Losing a patient isn't easy. We are meant to do everything in our power to safe a live but when the patient doesn't want to be saved, there's really nothing that we can do about it.

When I turn around I find Doctors and Nurses standing by the door. Everyone is here for Liz, she won't go alone.

"I'm fine" Rachel barely manages to speak and I let her go. I offer her tissues and she cleans up her face using my body as a shield from the rest of the world. How I wish I could just wrap my arms around her again and comfort her until she feels better but I can't, not when even the Chief of Surgery comes inside.

"Dr. Alen?" he turns off the monitor at my call and takes Liz's hand in his. "Dr. Berry, have you ever called one?"

"No" she looks at me and I give her a nod, letting her know that it's okay and that this won't be the last time she'd have to do this.

"Call it doctor" the Chief also nods at her direction and this time I don't hold back and stand beside her. I place my hand in her lower back and she takes a deep breath before looking up the wall to the clock.

"Time of death, 11:43."

Everyone leaves the room and Rachel doesn't look back up as she rushes her way down the hallway. I stay back with the Chief and even he leaves after a couple of minutes of silence.

If I end up alone I'd also like to go surrounded by the things I know and love. I admire Liz for taking this decision, she was unafraid and she knew what she was doing. If I'm lucky enough to live as long as she did, I'd also like to know what I'm doing then, because now I feel as lost as a puppy in a cat party. And it ain't pretty.

Somehow I end up on the stairs and as I go down I find exactly what or _who_ I was meaning to. Rachel is sitting at the last stair with her back pressed against the wall. She's no longer crying but she still looks sad.

"She knew my mother" she speaks before I have a chance to. "She was her scrub nurse. She knew my mother better than I ever did or will" her voice cracks and I decide to sit with her.

"Your mom is a doctor then" I take her hands and she squeezes mine, looking for support.

"She worked here for several years" she clears her throat and that's my sign to drop the subject, to not push.

"Are you okay?" I kiss the back of her hand and she smiles lightly.

"I am now" she softly says before she leans in and pecks my lips with the same softness.

"I'm here if you ever need to talk. I'll listen, alright?" she buries her face in my chest and holds me tight.

"Thank you. You being here is more than enough."

…


	5. Responsibility

5. Responsibility

When we're kids, our biggest worries consist on what we'd get for Christmas or if mom has made our favorite dinner or not. When we grow up we realize that being an adult is totally overrated. I mean sure, we don't have anyone telling us what to do and we get to have sex whenever we like, but adulthood is responsibility. You can't go crying to mom if you got chlamydia out of a one night stand because she won't be able to cure it with a few kisses and you just don't want your mom to ever know about that kind of problems. Ever.

It's nice to have a support system and knowing that you have someplace to fall back into it's reassuring but in my case, I don't ever want my mother to know about my issues because I hate to see her worrying because of me. So I usually stay quiet and only tell my problems when I've found a solution.

My New York issue doesn't have a solution yet and that's why I'm here. I know I'll have to face New York soon, I'm not living in some dream but I still haven't found the strength to do it without getting angry. My mother has a faint idea of what happened at this point but I still haven't come clean with her for several reasons. One, she might or might not have pointed out that I needed to take care of what I had. Two, it'd cost her great pain to find out. Three, it'd cost her a couple of friends she's had since 1990 and last but not least, it'd probably cost her a restraining order.

I know my mom and I know she isn't afraid to show some claws if needed to. She's done it before to defend me and I have no doubt in my mind that she'd do it again.

So, today I'm turning off my phone because I simply cannot think of New York. Not when I have a life to safe.

"Is everything okay, Dr. Berry?" I call her when I see her stumbling.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm good, all is good."

She quickly says but I stare at her for another second. I chose her to assist me today because after last week she'd been a little down, but I figured that holding a heart in her hands would make it a little better and you never forget the first time you held a heart in your hands. Only she seems to be slipping away right now.

"Be careful with my heart, Dr. Berry" I warn her when I see her squeezing a bit too tight.

"Sorry, it slipped" I want to point out how this is the second time she's sorry in my OR but I'm finished and I need to close up.

"That's alright. We're done. You can release Mrs. Patterson's heart now. Do it gently" I observe as she pulls back her hand. "All right. Let's warm this lady up. Get her off bypass please."

Like I said, adulthood is responsibility and it sucks.

"The grafts are open. Temperature?"

"She's at 96 and rising."

When you literally hold someone's heart in your hands and their life depends solely on you, you become a part of that person and losing them is never an option because you'll be losing a part of yourself.

"She should be doing this on her own by now" I start stroking her heart with my hand but nothing happens. "Come on, Mrs. Patterson, you can do this. Come on. Give me the paddles"

"Sets are below 90"

"Charge to ten" I wish I didn't have to use the paddles but she isn't reacting and she still doesn't after I shock her. "Charge to twenty." The monitor starts beeping regularly and the heart I just fixed starts beeping on it's own. "We have a rhythm. Let's close up and keep an eye on her. We've just arrived everyone. Nice work."

With my own heart in my mouth I exit the OR. The hardest part is to control oneself in these kind of situations. You have to think about the outcomes. You can't lose it because you're in charge and if you do, then everyone will lose focus as well and we can't have that in an OR. So they call us cold because we have to be in charge but they don't know what is like to hold a life in your hands.

"Hey, are you okay?" I ask Rachel as she joins me in the washing room.

"Yeah, everything is perfect" she smiles widely before getting rid of her scrubs and practically run out.

Even though I'm worried for Rachel I still have to get a move on. It's a busy day in the Hospital and everyone needs to be doing something. Since Rachel is doing follows up in my department I land a hand in the ER where none other than Puckerman hands me a chart.

"Morning, Dr. Fabray" he says with an attitude. After the incident with Rachel I haven't exactly grown a soft bone for the kid.

"What do we have?"

"Some dude with pain in his back" I open up the door instead of answering.

"Good morning"

"Oh, thank God you're here. It's killing me" the man says as I check his chart.

"How long has your back been hurting you?" Puckerman asks.

"It's chronic. That means I have it all the time"

"I know what chronic is" Puckerman interrupts with an eye roll. "What kind of pain are you having now?"

"It's bad. It's like a thousand samurai warriors stabbing swords into my spine. I'm allergic to aspirin" he quickly adds as I finish reading his chart. It's pretty obvious what the problems is but this is a teaching Hospital. So, I have to teach.

"So maybe we'll start you on morphine" Puckerman informs him. Which will be a good enough solution for this kind of pain, but it won't be. Not with this patient at least.

"I don't think so, the only things that will work are Demerol or, uh, Dilaudid. Lots and lots of Dilaudid. That will make me real better."

Puckerman's eyes shot up to mine when he finally catches sight of the patient's arms. There are more than a dozen scars from needles. Prove enough of my theory I'd say.

"We'll be right back." I pull Puckerman out of the room before he vomits some speech and just when we're outside he starts analyzing.

"We can't give him the Dilaudid"

"Why not?" I ask him.

"Exaggerated and overly specific description of his pain, self-prescription? Samurai movies? He's a Dilaudid junkie!"

"So what do you do?"

"Well, we check the database for history, refer to a program, discharge."

"After you give him something" I add and he huffs.

"That's exactly what he wants"

"Junkie or not, you still have to treat his pain as if it were real" I check my pager when it beeps but Puckerman is still looking at me with crazy eyes.

"Why?" he demands.

"First rule in pain management: always err on the side of caution. He's in our care. He says he's in pain. Start a central line, his veins are shot." He gives me an incredulous look before he storms off.

I really don't have the patience or the wish to care for Puckerman. As long as he does what I tell him to do, I can ignore his childish outbursts. I pick up two cups of coffee in the cafeteria and then I'm on my way to look for Rachel. I see her standing at a nurse station, writing down in a chart. I push the coffee towards her and she smiles appreciatively before raising an accusatory eyebrow at me.

"It's just coffee. You were sleepy this morning, coffee helps with that"

"I wasn't sleepy" she takes a sip and I take a step closer. "What about being professional?"

"I'm being professional. I'm taking care of one of my interns, I don't want her sleepy for the rest of the day when she's on my service"

"Not sleepy. I've just had a couple of rough days lately"

"I'm not judging. Being an intern is exhausting. I've been there, remember?"

"You managed through. You might be the light at the end of the tunnel that I need to get through"

"Call it whatever you want. You're crazy about me" I tease her and she huffs indignantly and brings her hand to rest on my arm, and for the first time she doesn't look everywhere to check if we're being observed.

"Don't flatter yourself" she says softly, flirting. I lean forwards, as if I'm about to kiss her but I stop just when I'm a few inches away from her, if only to see her losing her breath and balance.

"Like I said. I drive you crazy."

I take my cup of coffee and walk away, leaving her a mess behind me. Unfortunately my good mood ends when I'm about to walk by Mr. Frost's room. I run by his side as he screams in pain and falls over his bed as he squeezes his sides.

"Mr. Frost. Mr. Frost" a nurse quickly comes inside and helps me put him back into bed where he continues to scream. "We're going to take good care of you. Just hang on for me, alright?"

"Where the hell have you been, Doc?!"

"I'm here now. Don't you worry about a thing."

He keeps yelling for help as I do my best to calm him down. Once the nurse has helped me settle him down I go out to look for Puckerman. Can this guy be really this dumb?

"When I tell you to start a central line, you start a central line. No judgment, no question." I find him in the searching room but he only jumps up to his feet with a bunch of papers in his hands.

"The guys' been in seven hospitals in the last four months. He's a major addict"

"The patient has a three lumbar fusion"

"The patient is a junkie, Dr. Fabray. I mean, we shouldn't even be giving him…"

"Yes! The patient is an addict" I cut him off. "But his pain is real. Now, lose the attitude, get down there and start a central line like I told you to in the first place."

He storms off once more and I decide to follow him and to observe while he does his job. He knows what he's doing but he still does it with an attitude. I don't interrupt him but I'll make sure to have him with me in the future, if only to set him straight every time he tries to step over the rules.

"Are you okay?" is the first thing I ask Rachel when I see her at the counter. She looks up at me with tired and fearful eyes.

"Yeah, I'm good"

"Are you sure? Because you seem not okay since this morning. Is something wrong?"

"I'm fine, just tired. I've been here all night"

"Well maybe we can discuss it at dinner. You can tell me whatever it's bothering you" she gives me a half smile as I lean on the counter. "We'll have read food, waiters, wine"

"I'm sorry, I can't tonight" I chuckle, half because she didn't say no and because I just remembered the gossip of the day. The nurses know everything about everyone in here. It's kind of scary.

"Right, forgot about the party at your place"

"You know about that?" she asks scandalized. "And it's not a party. Marley wants us to meet her boyfriend. It's a dinner, not a party."

"Everyone knows that it's a party but that's beside the point. Your friends will be at the party while you and I can be alone somewhere else."

"How do you know about this?" she asks, missing the whole point.

"Thanks for not inviting me, by the way. That felt good. But dinner, think about dinner, perfect chance for us."

Before she has a chance to answer however, our beepers go off and we both run down the hallway towards Mrs. Patterson's room.

"Started having some swelling over the sternum and then the blood just started gushing" a nurse informs me.

"Is she going to die?" her husband asks.

"We'll get back to you" I tell him but he doesn't leave and I can't get a close enough look at what's going on.

"Is she dying? Tell me if she's dying?"

"Someone get him out of here. Call for an OR. What the hell just happened?"

"No allergic anaphylactic of histamine responses" Rachel informs me and she looks worse than the husband, which shouldn't be the case.

"Her last counts?"

"BT, PTT, INR. Platelet counts were all stable, even her HNH were stable"

"Then what the hell is wrong? Move it people, come on" I need to get to the OR as fast as possible but I can't think of a reason why this happened.

"I popped a glove" I turn around and lock my eyes with Rachel's.

"What?"

"In surgery this morning, when I was holding it. I popped a glove with my fingernail. I think I may have nicked her heart."

I find Mr. Patterson's eyes and he looks just as shock as I feel right now. I can't believe she just said all that in front of the patient's husband.

"Let's move people, come on."

I hold back until I'm alone with Rachel in the washing room and even now I don't know where to start with her so I stay silent. I don't want to regret the words that'll come out of my mouth right now.

I cut and once I take a look around and have a control of the bleeding I look up at her. "You've been seeing me the entire day. You had every opportunity to speak up before I closed her chest this morning. Every opportunity. Give me suction."

"I'm sorry"

"And you decide to confess in front of her husband? You don't even know if you caused this or not. You have no idea."

"I'm sorry" she's not looking at me and it bothers me to no end. But I have to remind myself that she's learning and I'm her teacher. I'm her teacher. But then I see it, the cause for her bleeding out.

"There, take a look Rachel. It's a wall rupture and it's a hell of a lot more than a fingernail. Her ventricular wall was weak. This wasn't your fault. You didn't do this."

She finally looks at me and nods only once. This could cost her everything she's work so hard for. This could cost us both everything.

When someone enters my OR and clears their throat behind me I don't need to look back to know who it is and then I can hear the Chief's voice loud and clear.

"I just had a conversation with Mr. Patterson. I want copies of his wife's chart in my office by 5 o'clock. Tomorrow morning, the two of you are going to meet with me and legal and you better damn explain what happened here."

He leaves and I finish my surgery in utter silence. How could she had been so careless? Speaking like that in front of a family member? Have I been a terrible teacher for the past few months?

Once outside of the OR I follow her down to the locker room but I'm still fishing for words once she looks up at me.

"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen"

"I know, Rachel. I know, just… give me a second."

She sits down and waits patiently until I've managed to control myself, and then I sit beside her.

"You have to go back and talk to the husband. Review the history, apologize to him. Apologize profusely. Both of our careers are on the line here, Rachel. You can't be as careless as you were today. This can't happen ever again if you're lucky enough to stay in the program."

"I'm sorry"

"Stop saying that and do something about it. Come with me."

I take her to the searching room and we go over similar cases to Mrs. Patterson as much as we can and we don't leave until I help her find a possible explanation, a very real and possible explanation for what could have caused the rupture but even after we find it she's still insecure and quiet. She leaves the room and I stay looking at the space where she was just sat at. No matter what happens tomorrow, this will still have serious consequences and not only for her.

I can't concentrate clearly on anything after Mrs. Patterson's surgery and I lock myself in an office to do paperwork, but I still can't focus on a single chart. But then I have Mr. Frost's chart in my hands and Puckerman has added his search into it, which I can't ignore.

When I get to his room Puckerman is inside checking on him.

"Hi, Doc! Feeling pretty good. The pain's about a three now" he enthusiastically informs me.

"A three? That's excellent, Mr. Frost. I'm glad we could help you out" he smiles but I don't return his gratitude. "I'm glad we were helpful. As well County, Mercy West, Seattle Pres. It seems like a lot of people has helped you out lately. Anyway, I'm pleased we could do our part" he doesn't say anything and I ignore his shocked expression in order to look at Puckerman, who smiles at me. "Who's on discharge today, Dr. Puckerman?"

"Marley Rose"

"Mr. Frost, Dr. Rose is going to come in here and discharge you"

"Whoa whoa whoa" he yells. "You can't discharge me. I'm in pain!"

"You were in pain this morning. Now you're not. We've treated you. Dr. Puckerman is going to recommend some wonderful treatment programs for you. Go home and get some help."

"You can't do that to me! You can't!"

I leave the room, not wanting to hear another word. I find Rose on my way and inform her of Mr. Frost and then I almost crush against Dr. Jones.

"Please come with me" she says and the way she speaks instantly has me on alert mode.

"Can I help you with anything?" I ask once we're behind closed door, but she doesn't say a word and just hands me a chart. "What is this?"

"We had a patient today, who had a surgery for lung cancer five years ago in this hospital. Today we removed a towel from her chest."

"I heard about that, but what does it have to do with…" I stop midsentence when I see my name as Leading Doctor on the chart.

I spent two weeks in this hospital after I finished my residency. Five years ago I worked here a little time because one of my teachers asked me to fill in for him and I remember the surgery clearly. I was in a hurry and I had a nagging feeling about the procedure but I was in a hurry and I left a towel in a woman's chest. "Oh my God! Was she… is she okay?"

"She's fine" Dr. Jones speaks as I lean down against the door until I'm sitting on the floor. "She suffered from pain all these years but she's fine now. The Chief has already worked out a deal with the lady, everything is being taken care of."

"I've been feeling light headed all day. Can you get me a glass of water please?"

"Yes, yes. Of course."

I stand up and curse myself internally for letting someone see me like that. This is another skill I don't have down yet. I still can't ignore when I'm at fault.

"Dr. Lopez found the chart. She's the only one who knows about this beside myself" Dr. Jones speaks as I drink some water. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yes, yes. It's probably nothing" then I look at her, really look at her. She doesn't want to ruin me, she's just giving me a heads up and I wonder when, how and why I got her on my side. "Thank you, Dr. Jones. I appreciate this, I'll talk with the Chief first thing in the morning."

"You do that." She says before leaving the room.

I sit down and read everything, and I can't remember leaving anything in there. If I had remember in time, would I have said anything? Tomorrow Rachel has a meeting with the Chief and the lawyers because she spoke up. No one would speak up after this, no matter how big their mistakes are. Everyone will be afraid to lose their jobs or end up in jail.

Now, here's another thing Rachel and I have in common. Only I never told a thing and she was brave enough to do it.

Two hours later I park my car outside of her house. It wasn't hard to get her address, actually I didn't even have to ask for it. I got an invitation from a scrub nurse who happily wrote down the address for me in a piece of paper and now here I am, an outsider. The music is loud and there are a lot of people around. Some are already drunk and others are having too much fun to think of a drink. And then I see her.

She stumbles out of the front door and looks both ways before taking a beer from Dr. Anderson's hand and sending him off. She's _happy_, I can tell from a distance. When I decide to get out of my car she's dancing softly to the sound of the music. She looks as if she's trying to seduce the song to her will. The way her hips move and her hair falls down the front of her shoulders is so beautiful that for a moment I forget everything else and focus solely on her. She looks free and I want that. I want her to be with me.

She smiles giddily when she sees me and then she stumbles her way towards me. We both laugh when I catch her as she trips on her toes.

"There is a party" I point out but she shakes her head.

"This was supposed to be a meet the boyfriend get together little thing" she explains and I notice that she's not actually drunk, but tipsy. "But Marley hasn't even showed up and her boyfriend already left"

"So this is why you blew me off, huh?" I motion to the bottle of tequila in her hands and she shrugs innocently. "Tequila isn't good for you, y'know? It doesn't call. It doesn't write. It isn't nearly as much fun to wake up to either."

The answer I get is a kiss from her. I pull her in tighter and hear the bottle hit the floor before her arms are wrapped around my shoulders.

"Stop talking and take me for a ride, Quinn" she husks against my lips.

"This isn't the tequila talking?" she looks at me for a long moment before kissing me again and I walk her back to my car.

"Where to?" I ask, fishing for my keys.

"The stars" she whispers and before I know it she's climbed on my lap and pushed back the seat enough to be comfortable, and she's definitely not drunk.

I don't make fun of the Titanic line and I don't think twice before I'm kissing her one more time. She bites my bottom lip before taking of my white coat and after that our hands wonder away. I have thought about her like this since that first night we were together and she doesn't disappoint. She's as perfect as I remember her being, as flawless, as fragile.

"What about the dirty talk?" she gasps against my ear as I suck on her nipple and push aside her panties with a hand before quickly come in touch with her heat. She moans as I run my fingers up and down her slit before slowly pushing my digits inside of her.

"I said I could learn" she looks at me but her eyes shut close when I push my fingers all the way inside and I instantly attach my mouth to her slender neck.

It's only when we're both coming down from our highs when I remember that we're in my car and anyone could see us from outside. I'm still wearing my bra but she isn't so I take my coat from the passenger seat and wrap her in it as she rests on top of me.

"You're warm" she kisses my collarbone as she nuzzles closer into me.

"Well, I was a little busy" I kiss the top of her head as she laughs. I hug her and run my fingers through her hair as we catch our breaths.

"Not that kind of warm" she says before pulling up to look me in the eye. "You're a warm person." I look at her, searching for the meaning of her words and why she seems so surprised by them, but I can't find anything.

"The party seems to be winding down. We should probably sneak inside, you think?" she kisses my chin and then my lips, while smiling playfully at me.

"We've done enough sneaking for the night, though. It was good sneaking, but enough sneaking."

I laugh, having no idea of what she means but I kiss her again and the kiss turns passionate in no time. We are not finished for tonight. I don't want to be finish for tonight yet but a tapping on the window makes us pull back to find Dr. Jones looking at us through the glass with a scowl in place.

"You mind moving this tail wagon? You're blocking me in." She turns around and leaves before Rachel buries her face in my neck, completely embarrassed.

"We're not good sneakers though."

"Move your car" is all she says as she moves to the back seat and I do as she said. As I watch Jones drive away Rachel has already gotten dressed and is getting out.

"Hey, wait. Rachel" I open up the door and just before I get out I remember that I'm half naked and I close the door back.

I decide to give her some space to think about what just happened. I'm sure she'll realize that it's not the end of the world and that it doesn't actually jeopardizes her career at all. We can be together without it being a favoritism relationship with the rest of the interns.

At least that's what I'm still thinking as I walk in the next morning. She's waiting for me outside the Chief's office but before we walk inside I pull her to a side.

"I'm here for you and I'm going to be there for you no matter what, okay?"

"Okay" she whispers after a second and we walk inside.

The Chief invites us to sit in front of him. To my right I have the lawyers and even from this starting point I can smell the hunger for blood.

"Care to explain what happened?" the Chief orders and I proceed to tell them every step of both surgeries I performed yesterday, along with the exact moment when Rachel told me about her mistake. The lawyers remain silent through all of it, which is a little unsettling but then the Chief asks Rachel a question.

"I have done a lot of research on the case and Dr. Fabray has been kind enough to help me with it. And I understand my responsibility, and what I've done wrong here. However, I do think the patient's history is significant in this case. She still weighs 200 pounds, which is why no one even noticed it, but with that kind of weight drop, it doesn't matter how much you weight, technically, you're anorexic"

"So, along with all that fat, she was losing muscle, heart muscle." I add to her explanation.

"That constantly could be a reason for a small poke to become a large tear" the Chief agrees with us but one of the lawyers is quick to jump in.

"That still doesn't change the fact that the small poke wasn't reported by Dr. Berry at the time of the occurrence."

"And if I could change that…"

"Well you can't, but you've left yourself and the hospital to a tremendous amount of liability." The same lawyer cuts her off roughly and it's the way she speaks that makes me rethink everything.

"No, not if the patient's weight loss caused the problem" I intervene.

"I'm sorry but you leave me no choice here" she says.

"I've spoken to the husband myself, and I believe that as long as his wife remains stable…"

"Well I can't take your beliefs to the bank, Dr. Fabray, can I? Dr. Berry made a huge error yesterday…"

"And she reported it" I cut her right back.

"Too late and in front of the patient's husband."

"But she reported it" I repeat, coming to a conclusion myself. I'm here for Rachel and I won't hesitate in putting myself on the line if that'll help her. "She spoke up."

I stop and lock eyes with the Chief, with the man that put his entire trust in me by bringing me back after he met me for only a couple of days years ago. He believed in me enough to land me a hand when I was at my lowest. And now, I'm about to confess about a mistake I made.

"Five years ago, as a CT fellow, I had a nagging feeling that I didn't check the body cavity of a lung patient closely enough before I closed. The patient seemed fine post-op and I was in a hurry. I can't remember why, but I needed to leave soon. And yesterday, you and Dr. Jones pulled a towel out from under the patient's lung. Why didn't I report it at the appropriate time? Maybe because I was afraid that I would be called into a meeting where some hospital lawyer's fear of liability could end my career."

I swallow down the nerves and look at the lawyer once. They don't interrupt me.

"Even great doctors make mistakes. And when we do, we've got to have a chance to be able to speak up without fear of retribution. Or everyone suffers. Dr. Berry spoke up yesterday. She spoke up."

Like I said before, responsibility really sucks.

Rachel is put on probation for a month. She'll have to show that she really deserves to be here and surprisingly all I get from the Chief is a respectful nod of his head, plus, he asks me to personally keep an eye on Dr. Berry.

"You saved my ass in there" she says as I catch up with her in the hallway.

"I just put it like it is" I lean next to her and watch her pick up some charts before her chocolate eyes look up at me. "I'll always have your back. Always."

As the rest of Dr. Jones' interns get closer I leave her side. Responsibility can never be avoided. It catches up with you one way or another and you have to be prepared to deal with it when it does.

When I see Mrs. Drake I barely lose it and no matter how many times I tell her how truly sorry I am for what I did, nothing can ever really express how I feel or minimize all the pain that I've cost her.

Dr. Jones is standing outside of Mrs. Drake's room when I walk out. She gives me a challenging look but I stand tall and move on. She won't be able to make me feel like I'm doing anything wrong by being with Rachel.

Dr. Jones and I walk in opposite directions. Down the hall and surrounded by her friends, is Rachel, whose eyes quickly focus on me. She smiles and as I admire her from a distance I'm able to see at the greater picture, and it's beautiful.

After all, adulthood has its perks that can't be denied. I mean the sex, the no parents anywhere to tell you what to do and who to be with. That's pretty damn good if you ask me.

…


	6. Awaken

…

6. Awaken

Never leave that till tomorrow, which you can do today. Benjamin Franklin had to know what he was talking about, right? After all, he was kind enough to share with the world his key to his success.

I used to be an energetic teenager. My mom always complained that I didn't catch a break, but I loved the rush it came with having my full day occupied. If I wasn't doing homework, I was doing research for the upcoming classes and if I wasn't doing that, then you would have found me on the field doing laps practicing routines for with Cheerleading squad. But even with my full days, I was born to read and research. I never neglected my physic by any means but one thing that was never resting, was my mind.

I don't really understand why people put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection. As intelligent creatures we tend to analyze every decision that we make but sometimes impulse can be helpful. Sometimes, the fear that overtake us completely is the fear to make a decision itself.

I see her parking her car just as I'm turning off mine, but I still have to jog to catch up with her.

"Hey"

"Crap" she says as she sees me.

"Crap?"

"Hi. I'm late" she smiles tightly and hurries her step.

"You're avoiding me" I point out.

"Yes, but I'm also late."

"Are you avoiding me for what Dr. Jones saw or for what happened in the meeting?"

"I don't need to talk about it. I experienced it, naked while I was on your lap and I said thank you" I have to chuckle at the memory but she doesn't look amused.

"This is getting complicated"

"For me. I'm the intern sleeping with the attending. Jones isn't even speaking to me anymore"

"That's not necessarily a bad thing. If I were a bigger person, I'd walk away, wouldn't I?" she stops and turns around. She's smiling a tired half smile.

"You really would"

"Do you want me to be the bigger person here?"

"Yes, I really do." Her answer comes much quicker that I'd have liked. "Crap. I'm really late" she starts running off.

"Take your time. Think about it. No pressure." I yell behind her back but all she does is wave back dismissing me.

I wonder if Jones is really giving her such a hard time for what she saw, even if she is, I don't think I can do something about it. If I speak with Jones about treating Rachel the right way, she might take it wrongly and the last thing I want her to assume is that I'm favoring her. She's a great doctor and no one should doubt that.

"Good morning" I enter my patient's room and smile at her before noticing all of Jones' interns in the room.

"Are you Dr. Fabray?" the patient asks as I try to take a look at the large tumor that this woman obviously possess.

"That's her. Great surgeon" Puckerman whispers, to which I decide that rolling my eyes would be seen as unprofessional.

"Dr. Puckerman" Jones gives him an unimpressed stare of her own before he presents.

"Annie Connors is a 43 year old woman who presented last night with progressive shortness of breath for the past three months. Found to have a very large tumor of unknown origin pressed against her diaphragm. Stable vital signs, scheduled for CT this morning, ma'am"

"Don't call her that" Lopez is quick to correct him. Puckerman looks confused and even more so when I smile at the interns.

"Dr. Fabray, Puckerman. I'm Dr. Fabray. Not ma'am"

"Got it" he gives me a thumbs up.

"Thank you for that formidable presentation, Dr. Puckerman" he smiles, pleased with himself as I focus back on my patient. "Are you at all claustrophobic?"

"I've been housebound for the last year. How Claustrophobic could I be?" she retorts with a raised eyebrow.

"All right then. Dr. Rose is going to take you up for a CT. It'll give us a better look at the tumor, and we'll know how to proceed from then on, alright?"

"Can anyone tell my mom? She'll worry if she gets back and I'm not here"

"Of course. Don't worry about it."

To my surprise and horror, Annie smiles at Puckerman and reaches out for his hand.

"Would it be possible for Noah to take me instead?" I look at him and he's quick to look away. I know exactly what he's doing. Smart kid but we'll see just how heartless he can really be. "I mean, he… he's just so fun to look at." She laughs and Puckerman joins her.

"Sure, Ms. Connors. Excuse me."

Jones starts numbering instructions to her interns as soon as she gets close enough to the nurse station as Rose and Anderson discuss how much Ms. Connors' tumor actually weighs. Lopez and Rachel aren't talking but looking at me with pleading stares.

"So" Rachel says as Dr. Jones walks in the opposite direction after her pager goes off.

"I thought you were avoiding me" I tease her but she returns my smile.

"This is going to be huge" she says.

"Want to talk about us yet?" the smile vanishes from her face. Besides hurt, she looks extremely confused and I don't want to add to it more than I already have. "Find the mother, get a family history and I'll tell Jones that I want you in."

She looks at me with a pleading stare and I smile lightly. I'm giving her space, I want her to consider everything that needs consideration. She's not a game and I need her to understand that.

Truth is, I don't need Jones' approval to put Rachel on this case and if we end up operating –which would be Annie's better option- we'll need all the hands we can use in the OR.

It's when I'm leaving the cafeteria that I notice Jones' walking behind me. She doesn't look amused, not one bit but she remains quiet until we're inside the elevator.

"Mercedes" I acknowledge her.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, that's your name, right? It's on your jacket" I point it out smiling but she still looks ready to kill me. "All right, fine. I'll use your last name only then."

"You think you're charming in that talented, cardio, overly perfect short hair sort of way, good for you" she's unimpressed. "But if you think that I'm going to stand back and watch while you favor her…"

"I'm not favoring her. She's a good doctor" I interrupt but if possible, she looks angrier.

"I'm sure she is"

"You know. I didn't want to point this out but technically, I'm your boss" the elevator doors slide open but she pushes the hold button without taking her eyes off of me.

"You don't scare me. My job isn't in danger. Look, I'm not going to advertise your extracurricular activities with my intern. However, the next time I see you have written her name on the board, meaning you're favoring Rachel Berry and not only that but in any way posibble, I'll make sure that she doesn't see the inside of an OR for a month. Just for the sake of balance."

She adds the last part with a shrug and after that she leaves me alone, standing in the middle of the elevator with a cup of coffee in my hands.

Technically, she can do whatever she likes with her interns. If she wants she could put Rachel to do sutures for the rest of her days in this hospital and assigned someone else to my services.

This is exactly the kind of thing that Rachel was wanting to avoid. Since I still can order Jones to put Rachel on my services, she'll take it as if I'm favoring her and that's not how Rachel wants to start off her medical career. Not when she's capable of showing her true skills without needing me to do her any favors.

After a minor consult I'm paged to the x-rays room where Dr. Pierce and Dr. Jones are already waiting for me. I try my best not to look at Jones but I can feel her eyes on me since the moment I step inside.

I've never liked being told what to do. I didn't like it when I was a kid and I definitely don't like it now.

"The right hemi-diaphragm is so high that it's completely displacing her lung tissue" I decide to focus on the girl that needs our help instead.

"It's infiltrated her spinal canal in three places. We should start there. It's going to take 3 to 4 hours to get around those nerves" Pierce tells me but I shake my head.

"I'd prefer to start in front, and then flip her. You never know what kind of vessels are involved, how intertwined they are. I'm going to need a good head start"

"I should really go with the spine fresh, if I miss a step, she's paralyzed"

"If I don't relieve the pressure on her lungs, she'll be dead. So, she won't mind if she can't walk."

Pierce doesn't have a comeback for me and we both sigh slowly. If Annie would have make a visit to the hospital months ago, she'd be now a healthy woman and not on the edge of dying. Why did she wait for so long?

"Do you think she really wants to live? Come on. She's been housebound. She's been living under this thing, just watching it grow for how long?" I look at Jones as she continues. "She doesn't seem stupid. Doesn't even seem all that scared. Why would anyone wait this long unless they wanted to die?"

"People do things every day that they know could kill them. It doesn't mean that they want to die." She doesn't look at me and raises her chin in the air as she talks with Pierce.

"What are her chances of surviving the surgery?"

"Slightly better than if we do nothing."

I look at her and don't take my eyes off of her this time. I know exactly what she meant. She's putting an ultimatum to my relationship with Rachel or else she's threatening to end her career before it even has a chance to start. I won't let that happen.

"So, is it worth it?"

"She's 43. It's worth a try."

I leave the room, not wanting to be in there anymore. If there is one thing that I hate most than taking orders, it's being threaten if I don't follow them.

"Hi! Hey" Rachel smiles widely as I bump into her outside of the x-rays room.

"Good morning"

"I saw my name on the board" she is handling charts in her arms and from the corner of my eye I spot Jones standing to my right a few feet away. "…and I was doing all the research that I can. I want to be fully prepared when I enter that OR with you"

"Are you done, Dr. Berry?" I interrupt her and cringe at the shocked expression on her face.

"What?"

"If you don't feel comfortable enough or prepared enough I can use another intern for the procedure"

"But…"

"Like I said. You're off the case."

On the edge of tears she turns around and leaves, and I have to ignore every inch of my body that yells at me to follow her. Instead I lock eyes with Jones and walk up to her.

"Happy?"

The smirk on her face turns into a light snarl. Whatever impression I managed to make on this woman, shattered the minute she saw Rachel and I in my car that night. She's no longer impressed and I'm no longer the boss she deserved.

"Not one bit." She says before walking away as well.

Puckerman pages me just as Jones turns the corner and I go to him immediately. Annie Connors' mother has several question about the procedure that we are wanting to do on her daughter. Her mother seems like a very nice lady and I follow her hands with my eyes as she makes the bed where her daughter in lying. I wonder if she ever tried to take her to a doctor.

"I won't lie to you. The surgery is going to be long and difficult, but we have an extremely capable surgical team, and I can…"

"Am I going to die?" Annie bluntly cuts me off.

"There's always that risk but if we don't do the surgery…"

"I'll definitely die." She cuts me off again.

"Yes" I limit myself to say.

"Soon?"

"Yes."

I lock eyes with her and try to find that motivation, that wish to live that every patient has but I can't find it. Perhaps Jones wasn't wrong before.

"Mom, the room's clean" she points out and I observe the mother as she thinks and then finally looks up at me.

"She'll have the surgery" she informs me.

"Mom!"

"No, Annie. You'll have the surgery" she practically begs her child until she finally relents and huffs in annoyance.

"I guess I'll have the surgery"

"That's a very wise decision, Annie. We'll do everything in our power to…"

"On one condition" she cuts me off yet again.

"What's that?"

"I don't want him there" she points at Puckerman.

"I'm sorry, Annie. Did I upset you in any way?" he asks in a sickening sweet voice.

"If he's in the surgery, I'm not having it" she's angry at him and for a moment I watch as she looks at him with nothing but hurt and hate in her eyes and then says. "That's how I live with myself."

"He won't be there, Annie. Now if you excuse me. Dr. Puckerman, come."

I hand the chart to a nurse before walking out of the room with Puckerman hot in my heels. I round a corner before I turn around to face him.

"What the hell did you do?"

"Nothing. I – I don't know. Man. The mic must have been on. I was talking to the tech guy…" I raise my hand on his face and thankfully he shuts up. I can't believe how stupid this kid is proving himself to be.

"If anything goes wrong, anything at all. You are 60 percent more likely to be sued if you've offended the patient. Sixty percent"

"I never would have said that stuff. The mic shouldn't have been on. I didn't realize she could hear me"

"Well, now you won't realize your chance to scrub in. You're banned from the OR. Mine or anyone else'. All week."

Before he can open his mouth to say another stupidity, Lopez comes running.

"I got the history on the tumor" she announces. "It's been growing for a year and a half. A year and a half and it's the first time she's even had it looked at. It's like she's fatally lazy."

My dear God! If I could really just slap these kids without been looked as abuse of power, I would really consider it.

Instead of answering, I decide to walk away before I do or say anything stupid. What is wrong with these interns?

"Why doesn't she get banned?" I hear Puckerman yell behind but Anderson catches my attention as he smiles up to me. Surprising him, I take him by the collar of his shirt and give him a once over. I haven't worked with this kid that much but Pierce says he's focused and he looks capable enough to have in my OR.

"Go prep Annie Connors for surgery. Find Berry and tell her that you're both scrubbing in."

"Are you kidding me?" both Puckerman and Lopez moan from down the hall at the same time. But when I turn around and glare at them, they're quick to run.

This will be the longest day and it's only two o'clock. Surgery will take at least fourteen hours and I won't be the only one working in there. I just hope that everything goes well because this girl needs to know that there is more than jokes and humiliation out in the world. This girl deserves a life and experiences to tell. This girl needs to live.

Walking down the hallway I see Rachel but she sees me too and as soon as she does she turns around to walk in the opposite direction, but I'm quick too. I catch up with her immediately and I pull her inside an on-call room.

"Jones was on the warpath. I was trying to protect you"

"You trying to protect me is why she's on the warpath" she quickly interrupts me but takes a deep breath as soon as her eyes lock with mine. "You can't do me favors. What we did this morning can't happen again. Don't let me scrub in unless I have earned it"

"Ok, ok" I accept. I can do that. I can be professional and be with her. I want to do this. "I want to do this. I want to be with you" she smiles as I caress her chin with my fingers. "Do you want to be with me?" I ask softly and she nods once, twice, before looking up again with more determination than before.

"You can't treat me like crap when I haven't earned that either." She warns and I kiss her tempting lips before smiling.

"Okay. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

She kisses me then and I let myself relax as her kiss takes away all the stress of the day. When she pulls back and licks her bottom lip, her hands are combing back my hair. I like when she does that.

"I can take care of myself, alright. I got myself into this mess, and I…"

"And you'll get yourself out?" I step back from her but somehow I'm still smiling.

"I don't… know that yet" she smiles back.

"You're a pain" I honestly tell her and she pecks my lips again.

"That's why I'm only half sorry that I called you a jackass"

"You didn't" I tell her confusedly.

"I did. Twice." As my pager goes off she opens the door and walks out after giving me one last smile.

"You're still scrubbing in" I call out after her.

"On my way."

With a lighter mood I wash up and enter my OR. The gallery is packed and so is inside. We'll need all the hands we can get. Jones glares at me from the opposite side as Rachel walks inside ready for surgery as well.

"You two been working out?" Jones asks her interns.

"I…" Rachel stutters and looks at Anderson.

"No" Anderson says a little insecure.

"Blaine jogs… sometimes" Rachel chimes in and I realize that Anderson is one of her roommates.

"Why?" he asks and I chuckle. They wanted in, now they'll have to pull it through.

"See that large pile of tumor?" Jones asks rhetorically. "You're going to be retracting it for the next 14 hours, so I'm just saying I hope you have strong backs."

Just before we begin Lopez comes in running. Apparently one of Dr. Pierce's patients has agreed to go ahead with a surgery if he has it today and only today.

"Don't worry, Dr. Pierce. It'll take hours before we get around to the spine. I'll page you when we do."

"Alright, then" she smiles at Lopez. "Let's do it."

"Ladies and gentleman" I call the attention of my team. "Let's hit the road."

The more I cut in, the more I become challenged by this tumor. I can't let it win. I can't let it take this woman's life, even if she cared so little for it until now.

"We need to hang another bag of O-neg."

"Do that fast" I order the nurse while another wipes the sweat off of my forehead. We've been in here for three hours already and Rachel is starting to look tired. Anderson is sweating profusely but his hands are firm. "Someone wipe Dr. Anderson's forehead please."

"Thank you. Thank you" he nods and looks at me but his hands never falter and neither does Rachel's.

"Cauterizing the small bleeders to keep my visual field clean" I inform the interns.

"God, is your back killing you?" Anderson stage whispers to Rachel.

"Blaine, don't complain. We're in here" Rachel calmly says.

"Are we okay over there?"

"Perfect" his eyes widen enough to let me know that he's lying but I don't call him on it. As long as he doesn't move an inch, he's good to go.

With six hours on the clock I'm still far from finished or halfway really. I look up to check on my team and they all have the same exhausted expression on their faces, but especially Rachel and Anderson. Up, the gallery is fuller than before and to my right I have Jones, who hasn't removed her eyes from my hands since we started.

Taking a long and deep breath I continue.

"Look at the size of this artery" I've never seen something quite like this.

"My God. It's as thick as a thumb" Jones exclaims as Rachel stretches her neck to take a look. "Have you ever seen a vessel this size?"

"No, I haven't." I tell Jones, remembering that she's also learning. I'm also her teacher and I have to learn how to deal with that without it affecting me as much as I've let it. "This thing is just feeding on all her blood."

"We need more O-negative" she says and I nod.

"Call the blood bank."

A nurse is quick to catch my order but Anderson drops the tumor for a second, letting it slip and almost making me cut deep into this woman.

"Damn it, Anderson. Do you want me to kill this patient on the spot?"

"No, I - I just. I'm sorry"

"Is this surgery just too much for you, Doctor?" I ask while checking to see if anything actually ripped with his mistake but everything seems to be in control and just the way I had it before.

"No, I was. I had a… I'm sorry."

"Can you go on?" I stare him right in the eye and he is quick to nod. "Are you completely sure? Because I'm sure one of the interns up in the gallery will be more than happy to take your place" everyone is one their feet and yelling in the gallery but I only hear Anderson.

"It won't happen again, Dr. Fabray. I'm staying" he says.

"You better not drop this tumor again."

The deeper I get, the more difficult it gets to cut. This looks worse than what we saw in the x-rays. It'll take longer than we anticipated. I quickly look up to see Rachel but even as she sweats she doesn't seem to be having any trouble with holding the tumor.

"Did you eat before surgery, Dr. Berry?" I ask her but even as I try to ignore it, I see Jones pursing her lips by my side.

"I had a sandwich before coming" she says and her voice is breathless, and I instantly become worry.

"This is going to take longer than anticipated. Do you think you can handle another eight hours holding this tumor?" I look up and her eyes are calm, almost serene.

"Yes" and I believe her. She's strong but more than that, she's very smart.

"How about you, Anderson?" I ask him, if only to avoid another warning from Jones.

"I'm good. Rachel and I ate together and I haven't drunk anything since you told us to scrub in."

Like I said, he's smart.

"How's it going?" Pierce walks in, still in her scrubs after her surgery.

"It's more intertwined that the studies made it look" I inform her before she gets closer and takes a look for herself. Her eyes show all the worry she can't voice at this moment. Do not alarm, ever.

"Hang another bag" Jones tells a nurse and I notice that we're out of blood one more time. "We need more o-neg. Call the bank again."

"I'm down ten units of blood already and I haven't even flipped her yet" Pierce has changed scrubs again and it's now ready to get in but even as she asks for her scalpel, we both know that it'll be almost impossible for her to do anything at this rate.

"Look at that" I sigh and roll back my shoulders. "How am I supposed to get around that artery?" her question is rhetorical, since I know that she'll try anyway.

And try she does. After thirty minutes she's still trying. The longest it takes the more anxious Rachel and Anderson become. I hear them whispering at times but I can't hear with clarity what they're saying.

Jones fix them with a glare and they become silent for a couple of minutes but after that their conversation comes back to life.

"Are you going to say yes?" Anderson sounds appalled.

"No, of course not. I'm seeing someone" Rachel answers and my eyes instantly look up at her. She blushes but no one notices. As I smile I see Jones, who is not amused at all and definitely noticed something.

"You don't have to lie to him. Just tell him you're not interested" Anderson tries again and I'd be lying if I said that this conversation doesn't have me hooked, because it does. Who is asking Rachel out and did she mean what she said about seeing someone? Is that someone, me?

"I will tell him the truth and I don't know. I think I might be seeing someone" she answers back and this time I don't look up.

"As interesting as your love life sounds, Dr. Berry. We're trying to save a life here, so I think I speak for everyone when I tell you to be respectful and wait until we're done here."

"Of course. I'm sorry, Dr. Pierce."

Jones huffs by my side and even shakes her head as she suctions.

"Is there a problem, Dr. Jones?"

"No, no problem at all, Dr. Fabray."

I have to say that I'm mostly amused by her attitude. Yes, she got on my nerves but I can ignore that as long as she doesn't push me. I know her concern comes from a professional place, but not a personal one. Whatever accomplishment or fail her interns make, is reflected on her, whether she wants it or not.

These five kids are her babies in a way and I can understand that she's only trying to take care of them. She probably believes that I'm taking advantage of Rachel and her situation as an intern, which I'm not.

"Dr. Fabray" comes a breathless voice after the OR doors slid open and without looking up I immediately recognize Dr. Rose's voice. "Mr. Harper, the post-op heart patient in 2114. I had to open his sternotomy bedside."

"You what?" I stop doing everything in order to look at her.

"He had cardiac tamponade. His chest films were clean this morning. It just… it happened so fast. He was in PEA. There was no time. I had to do something."

I look back to Pierce who nods her head. "Go ahead. I got it from here. We're okay."

I immediately take out my gloves and robe and as soon as I'm washing out I hear Puckerman's voice raising up just outside.

"You opened a heart bedside and you couldn't even page me? What, needed all the glory for yourself, right?"

"I paged you fifty times! Do you have any idea of what I have been through today?"

"Oh man. I forgot to change the battery" I hear him lamenting as I walk out and find them both standing in the hallway. What I would give to just smack his head against this wall right now.

"You forgot? You forgot!?" Rose screams before leaving.

I follow her down to post op where she had cut my patient's chest without even knowing how. She hasn't seen this procedure being done yet, no one taught her how do it and yet, she did it and she saved this man's life. Her work is messy but he'll live and I let her assist me as I redo what she's done with more care than I should.

This is why we become doctors, this is the true calling and she has it. She's proved herself today and she's an amazing doctor.

"A messy job, Dr. Rose"

"I'm sorry, I really am…"

"Don't be" I cut her off and even smile at her when her eyes look up. "You saved his life today. All by yourself. Great call, Dr. Rose."

"Thank you." Her smile is blinding, not egocentric, not full of herself but truly happy that she's done something right.

Mr. Harper is on her watch and as I make my way back to the OR I find Pierce just coming out and she doesn't need to say anything to know what happened.

This is the hard part, when we lose someone. I lean on the counter beside her and hear her sigh heavily.

"Couldn't stop the bleeding. The artery exploded and there was nothing we could do to stop it"

"We knew this could happen."

"Yeah, we did."

I'm off to the showers and as the first wave of hot water pours on me I let out a long breath. Today was a long and exhausting day and I still don't want to go.

As I walk to the parking lot I see someone leaning on the side of my car and I smile to myself. She's holding an umbrella above her head and wearing the most adorable sweater that I've ever seen of a penguin skiing.

"So you're that girl?" she says as she stands straight and covers me under her umbrella.

"What girl, Miss Penguin sweater?" I barely hold back my smile but she only gets closer.

"The high hills, jeans and fashionable coat girl?"

"I'm from New York, remember? Fashion is a must. Besides, you look even more adorable from up here"

"Shut it" she places her hand on my chest as I laugh. She's really short but that only makes her more perfect to hug and kiss.

"I, um, know this place where there's an amazing view of sunrise over the ferryboats" she hints and my smile turns wider. Knowing is always better than wondering, and now she's unchained me from all the wondering.

"I have a thing for ferryboats" I repeat and she nods smiling and then showing me a bottle of wine safely tucked inside her sweater.

"I remember" she husks out right before I kiss her full lips. Waking is better than sleeping and right now? Right now she's definitely awaken me again.

…


	7. Pain

**Pain**

I have to tiptoe as we walk through the doors but I trip on her welcome mop and she giggles as I wrap my arms around her waist to keep me from falling on my face. This isn't the first time I'm in her house but I don't have much time to look around -again- before she's pulling me up the stairs and inside her bedroom.

"I didn't even get a chance to say hi" I tease her, knowing well that her roommates have no idea of who she's been sneaking around with for the last two weeks.

"Shut up and get naked" she says throwing off her shirt behind her shoulder.

The longest I am with her, the more addicted I become to her taste that it's almost maddening the way I want to be touching her at all times.

I take off my boots as fast as I can and then I carry her with my hands on her legs and throw her in the middle of her bed. She laughs and she's not being exactly quiet but it doesn't matter because this is her house and she can be as loud as she'd like here.

"Take this off" she begs as she pushes me and pulls at my shirt with force before taking off her bra and then mine. I catch her hands before she has a chance to touch me and push her back again.

I look down between our bodies and my mouth waters just at the sight of her naked chest but I tell myself not yet, and look back up to her beautiful eyes. She's blushed, breathless and completely mine for tonight, and hopefully forever.

"You're beautiful" I whisper before kissing her chin without freeing her hands from my hold against the pillows and above her head.

"You're one to talk" she moans as I push my thigh against her center with force. Her eyes shot close and a loud moan erupts from her throat. I smirk before biting her shoulder and thrusting my hips again. "Oh God!" she becomes more forceful in pulling her hands free but I don't let her and the faster I thrust the louder she gets and I love it. I love to hear her enjoying this. I love the verbal prove of what I make her feel.

When she bites her bottom lip I stop, knowing well that she's close to come and she groans in reproach.

"Come on" she begs as I finally free her hands in order to kiss her neck and run my hands on her stomach and higher.

"All in time, love" I say before attaching my lips to her taunt stomach and lick a path up to the valley of her breasts. She's already fisting my hair even before I take a nipple between my lips and suck.

"Oh God, oh God. You're so good with that, so good" she moans as I sneak my hands down and undo the button and zipper of her tight jeans before pushing my hands down between her lower back and the mattress. We both moan as my hot palms come in touch with her glorious ass but I'm not quick enough to kiss her before I squeeze and a louder moan is heard.

I'm becoming desperate myself and without any preamble I push down her jeans and panties at once. I have to stand from the bed to take them off and I take my own clothes off as well just as fast before coming back to her.

As our skins meld together I have to breathe in slowly and concentrate on not rushing this too much, and I barely manage.

I open up her legs as I get between them and up until my lips find hers and we kiss fervently and desperately. She runs her nails on my back as I squeeze her thighs and push as close to her as I can be. But it's not enough.

"You drive me crazy" I confess as her small hands cup my breast and squeeze lightly before playing with my nipples. "I want you all the time"

"All the time?" she asks.

"All the time. Every time I see you I have to control myself to not push you against a door, or a wall, or a desk and take you right there"

"Oh God" she moans as I move my fingers closer to where she needs me the most.

"I want to be inside you all the time and it drives me crazy" I wait until her eyelids flutter open to push two fingers deep inside of her.

"Oh God!" I start a rhythm as I move a leg above one of hers in order to relieve some of the building tension of my own. But she's digging her nails deep in my back and it only ignites me to thrust deeper and faster. Her screams don't stop and they only grow in volume as my hand is showered in her essence.

I love it. I love how she feels, I love her smell, her taste, how wet she gets and how loud she screams. I love it all and I can't get enough.

So we don't stop after we come. We don't stop after the second one or the third. We only stop when she finally gives in to sleep and passes out in my arms. That's when we stop.

…

The sound of an alarm going off wakes me up but I realize that the alarm isn't in Rachel's room so I roll around and cuddle her again in my arms. Even with the slightest of moves I feel a dull ache between my legs and I smirk at knowing how Rachel will feel for the rest of the day, since it was her the one who got more than gave last night.

Another alarm goes off and this time it sounds closer, although it isn't in Rachel's room yet.

"We have to get up" she mumbles against my neck where she's nuzzled in.

"Too tired" I mumble right back. Truth is, my eyes are killing me. I don't even know how many hours we got of sleep but judging by the burning in my eyes and how my body feels, I'd say not many or even the needed.

"Seriously, you have to get up now" she's more awake and pulling herself up.

"What time is it?" she rolls on top of me, making me smile in the process and turning me on all over again with the feeling of her delicious skin sliding up with mine.

"It's ten to five" she says and smiling knowingly at me. "I have pre-rounds. And you have to leave before they see you" I groan and hug her closer to me.

"Come on, baby. Let them see me already."

"Of course not!" she exclaims getting out of bed and leaving me all cold and bothered.

"Please, I need my beauty sleep"

"The world won't be able to handle you if you're more pretty, get up" she slaps my butt above the thin sheet and kisses my bare shoulder-blade.

"Can I at least get a shower before I leave?"

"No" she calls from her closet where she's already picking up her outfit for the day.

"You're a pain"

"Try to sound more upset next time. I'm starting to think that you like me more than you're letting on" she laughs as I grab my clothes from her bedroom floor. If she knew exactly how much I liked her, she's probably… who am I kidding? I don't really know how she'd react, but I'm leaning towards the freak out reaction more than any other at the moment.

"You wish" she turns around then, holding a single sheet close to her naked body and making me want her like never before.

"I do" she says right before she kisses me and I wrap my arms around her waist to keep her close. I'm only wearing my pants and she takes advantage of that fact as she runs her short nails down my back and up to my nape again.

"Mmm, I love that"

"I know" she kisses my chin and just as I'm about to catch her lips with mine, she pulls back and smiles triumphal. I raise an eyebrow in shock and she raises her index finger, shaking it from side to side. "Not this morning."

"Come on" I try to catch her but she runs giggling around the bed.

"I have rounds, remember?" if the smile on her face wasn't that big I'd probably considered taking her seriously. She laughs loudly when I catch her and we fall on the bed, a tangled mess of limbs and sheets.

"I can't get enough of you" I confess when I meet her eyes and slowly comb her hair back.

"No one has ever said that to me" I peck her lips and frown at the admission.

"There has never been a _me_ in your life before" she smiles and rolls her eyes good-naturally.

"We have to go" she says, now more serious than before and this time I don't give her a hard time.

"Ok."

I kiss her one more time before we get up and as I find my clothes she changes the sheets. With a promise to see each other at work I tiptoe my way out of her house.

…

Getting back to the hotel to have a shower really sucks but it's a necessity at the moment. I won't push Rachel into telling her friends about us, she'll tell them when she thinks is right since she knows them best.

The first thing I do when I get to the hospital is send Rose to get me a black coffee. I'm not complaining though, making love to Rachel for the majority of the night is just perfect. But my eyes burn every time that I blink.

Just when I finish putting eye drops I see Rachel walking by following Jones with the rest of her interns and she's yawning. I smile to myself knowing that I'm the one who kept her up most of the night.

"Good morning. Dr. Fabray" Jones startles me a little bit and I don't have to look at her to know that she's not amused.

"Good morning" I smile widely but she only rolls her eyes at me when I turn around. Like it could affect me today. No, today nothing can really affect me. Before I'm on my way though I make sure to make eye contact with Rachel, who blushes and smiles shyly to the floor.

"Dr. Anderson?" I call and all of Jones' interns turn to look at me.

"Do you need Dr. Anderson?" Jones asks with pursed lips.

"It'll be great to have him today, if you don't mind" I only smile at her. I might enjoy the way she rolls her eyes every time I smile at her.

"You sure you don't _need_ Berry instead?" I smile wider now, she knows how to play and I like that.

"No" I look at Rachel, who looks fifty shades of red now. "I think I'm good with Anderson, thank you, Dr. Jones."

"You're with Dr. Fabray today."

If I have looked away for only a second, I might have missed the hard intake of breath that Anderson took when Jones spoke. He was pleased to work with me just yesterday, what changed?

"What do you need, Dr. Fabray?" he asks a little harsh.

"Do you have anywhere else to be, Dr. Anderson?"

"No, no. I'm with you today" he says confidently, although he doesn't convince me. Could he or Rose have seen me this morning when I sneaked out?

"Caffeine hasn't kicked in yet, so I…"

"I bet" he says under his breath.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh no, nothing. You were saying…?" I give him a once over before deciding to let it go.

"Anyway, I need you to check on my post-op patients and page me if you notice any changes"

"Okay" he turns around with an attitude but just before he takes two steps I stop him.

"Anderson?"

"Yes" he quickly turns around.

"Drop the attitude or I'll have you taken out of my service for good" for a moment he looks taken aback but after two seconds he nods convincingly and looks regretful enough.

"I'll keep you post it, Dr. Fabray."

Even if he saw me leaving Rachel's house this morning, he's wrong if for a moment he thought that he has powerful information against me at some point.

But I don't get some quiet time I was expecting. When I get to x-rays I'm glad somehow because when you're busy time flies by and I need today to pass me by as quickly as it can.

"Gunshot" I call as I close the door behind me.

"Yeah, he came in this morning. He might be the coolest guy I've seen in a while" Puckerman smiles dreamily by my side.

"It sounds like you like him"

"Yeah… I mean I don't like him, _like him_" he clarifies as I laugh internally. Tough guys rarely let emotion show and when someone else notices, they panic. Puckerman is a tough guy.

"Several injuries" I follow the x-ray with my eyes and it's almost like I'm having a déjà vu.

"He says he likes the scars"

"And that?" I point to another injury.

"Bullet from a previous gunshot"

"Previous gunshot, huh? Okay."

"There's no reason to take it out though, right?"

"If he likes some pain, then no"

"It's his ethos" and as soon as he says it, it clicks.

"Pain as an ethos?" he nods as I finally remember where I've seen these x-rays before. "I think I know this guy."

I get out of the room and walk down the hallway with Puckerman. There is a lot of crazy out there but the craziest I've seen is this guy, who collects scars on his body. And not small scars that you get in life, no, he likes big painful scars, like gunshots.

As I walk pass a nurse station I see Rachel talking to Dr. Jones amicably. I wink at her direction when she sees me but as soon as Puckerman' eyebrow shots up I look away. I really hate this hiding business.

"So…" he prompts.

"Keep talking and you can say goodbye to your medical career."

When he falls silent I understand that he's not as stupid as he looks. Or maybe I'll just give him the benefit of the doubt right now.

"Doc!" the guy's smile is huge and I lean in for a hug when I see him. I treated him in New York twice last year when I repair the awful injury an arrow caused in his shoulder.

"I was wondering why I didn't see you again in New York"

"You know me Doc. I like me some challenges and I've never been in Seattle before. Did you notice the ferry boats?"

"I did" I laugh along with him. All in all, he's a nice guy who simply makes the worst choices.

"Have you gone on a ride yet?"

"Not yet. Seriously, Mr. Owens, we need to stop meeting like this"

"I agree. I'm free after my surgery if you wanna grab a drink?" he wiggles his eyebrows and even if he's flirting I know that he's just teasing.

"Sounds great but I'm taken"

"Oh, my heart" he grabs his chest and drops his head, faking heartbreak as I laugh at his antics. "I think you might have broken it, Doc"

"You'll be fine. A broken heart is nothing compared to the things you do" he shrugs and nods his head.

"How's the Piano playing going?" he asks as I check his pressure and noticing that his temperature is way too hot.

"Very nice, very safe, compared to your hobby. Getting shot is way riskier than I'd like"

"Well, that's kind of the whole point" Puckerman mumbles and I look at him.

"He's running a fever, why?"

"Due to the extra stress on his body from the gunshot."

I look back at Digby, who's sweating by now but still has a smile on his face.

"Digby, the impact of the bullet on your chest fractured a rib and caused a hemopneumothorax"

"Wow" he raises his hands and then smiles. "That kind of sucks, I guess."

I also smile, although sympathetically. I failed back in New York to make him see how dangerous his hobby really is and I doubt that now I can make him change his mind. This is serious and the longest he goes on with this, the more serious is going to keep getting.

"Well, there's blood in your collapsed lung" Puckerman explains and just like I suspected, Digby only shrugs and nods confidently.

"The price of body art went up since your last gunshot"

"S'alright. No pain, no gain, right?" he jokes.

"That's one way to look at it"

"We have that in common, you docs and me"

"Do we now?" I raise my own eyebrow at him and he smiles softly.

"Yeah, the way you guys push, push and push. When I was wrestling, if you wanted to pin me, you was gonna have to kill me"

"Iowa style" Puckerman smiles and bumps his fist with Mr. Owens.

"Iowa State Style. Back home, we were sworn enemies. But in Seattle, man, we're brothers. So. What are we gonna do about this, um… hemopnuomo-Jurassics?" he laughs as I pretend to understand what they're talking about.

"We're gonna insert a chest tube to drain the blood, then re-inflate your lung" Puckerman explains for me and I chuckle at the scared expression on Digby's face.

"Please, tell me I get to watch that" I tease him but he only smirks back. This guy will never learn.

"I'm badass, Doc. You know it"

"Yeah, yeah. Set everything up, Dr. Puckerman and page me when it's ready"

"Thank you, Dr. Fabray"

"See you later, Mr. Owens."

Anderson finds me updating Mr. Owens' chart and informs me of my patients, but the longer he speaks the more I realize that he hates me. I make sure to listen and check his notes but I can't stop thinking about ways to make him like me, not because I _want_ him to like me but because he's Rachel's friend and roommate. When the time comes and she decides that it's okay for her friends to know about our relationship, having her friends thinking that I took advantage of her isn't going to help.

But he's gone before I have anything, apparently Dr. Pierce has a more interesting case than mine today.

"Haven't seen you all morning" I instantly smile at the sound of her voice.

"Miss me?" I smile and lean in closer, only to have her stepping back.

"You're a pain" she drags out but the comment only makes me smirk wider. I'm okay if all the reminder she has of me throughout the day is some slight pain. "Not that kind of pain!"

"Do you have a few minutes?" she looks confused by my question but I don't wait for her to answer before I'm pulling her towards an on-call room and locking the door behind her back.

"What are you… doing?" she moans the last word as I suck right below her ear and her hands fist my hair as I squeeze her waist and lift her shirt just enough to touch her soft skin.

"Kissing you" I kiss her lips as she scratches my nape and chest. "God, I've missed you" I cup her breasts at the same time that I push my leg up higher between her legs and she moans, loudly so.

"Mmm, excuse me?" we both jump apart at hearing the voice. Dr. Pierce is covering her –what I suppose naked body- under the sheet and someone is definitely by her side with her head under the covers.

"Dr. Pierce" I clear my throat as I straighten my clothes and stand in front of Rachel to spare her any more embarrassment.

"Dr. Fabray" her voice cracks and her eyes are wider than I've ever seen them.

"Santana?" Rachel suddenly asks and Dr. Lopez' head appears from under the covers.

"Well, this is awkward" she says as Rachel blushes ten times redder.

"I… I… have to go" she announces before bolting out of the room.

"I'll… goodbye."

I also get out and stand outside of the door for a moment to think about what just happened but my mind becomes fuzzy until I listen my pager beeping. It's Puckerman and I head to the trauma room with monotone steps, still unable to believe what just happened.

I wash up and enter the OR.

"Let's hit the road, Mr. Owens" I smile at him and I instantly get to work. I'm aware of the looks my team is giving me but I honestly can't look away from what I'm doing and I don't want to, even if I could.

Lopez and Pierce then? That's… interesting. They say that total opposites attract, right? But Lopez and Pierce? Lopez and Pierce. That's… interesting. By the way Rachel reacted in there I must assumed that she didn't know about it either.

I smile and as the seconds go by, my smile grows. Now Rachel can let go of those ideas, perhaps Lopez and Pierce are the best thing that has happened to our relationship up until now.

"Okay, ladies and gentleman. We've arrived successfully. Great work, everyone."

I get out with a big smile on my face. It really shouldn't matter who we date or not, but it does, and now Rachel's best friend is also dating an attending. This can only go up from here.

"Are you okay, Dr. Fabray?"

"Why you ask, Dr. Puckerman?" he gives me a weird look as we get closer to Mr. Owens' room.

"You look a little… _loopy_" I stop walking and he freezes. "I didn't mean… I wasn't… I'm not…"

"Shut up, Puckerman" I glare at him and I stare him down until he obviously starts to sweat right in front of me. "Just shut up."

"Mr. Owens" he's awake and smiling as he looks at the bandages on his chest.

"This is gonna leave a pretty sexy scar, huh?" he wiggles his eyebrows and I have to laugh.

"Don't get any more crazy ideas, please" he nods distractedly as Puckerman takes a picture of him pointing to the bandages.

"You really think my ideas are crazy, doc?"

"I'm leaning that way, yes"

"Hey, I feel pretty dizzy"

"You've lost a lot of blood. It's normal at this point."

I have to say goodbye to him soon after that. He isn't changing his mind and if I have to judge by the look on his face, this is something that he'll want to repeat.

Luckily I find Rachel waiting for the elevator and she half-smiles when she notices me waiting by her side.

"Did you know that we're not such a secret anymore?" she asks with a quirk eyebrow, obviously amused.

"Are we not?"

"Haven't you noticed everyone looking at us? Talking about us?" I look around where a couple of nurses are definitely talking about us and I turn back to Rachel.

"If this has been going on for the entire day, then I haven't noticed."

We enter the elevator and she smiles shyly at me before leaning back on the wall. I don't need an invitation to join her and resting my forehead on hers. I close my eyes and breathe her in as she caresses my arms with her tiny little hands.

"Do you mind?"

"I thought I would, but I really don't" she answers and I have to smile at hearing her say that.

"So Pierce and Lopez, huh?" she starts laughing softly at first but then she's laughing loudly and I've joined her. I peck her lips as we breathe in and out softly to catch our breaths after.

"Yeah, that caught me by surprise"

"So, no more hiding?" I ask for clarification and she smiles up at me. A sincere smile that I've come to adore.

"We never really did that."

I kiss her tenderly for a few seconds before my pager beeps.

"What's wrong?" she asks as I push the button of the elevator harder.

"Something is wrong with my patient."

I peck her lips once and as the doors slide open I run down the hallway. What could have gone wrong with Digby? There weren't any complication in the procedure earlier and now he's in ICU. Puckerman is waiting for me as soon as I enter his room.

"His postop CBC shows a severe spike in the white blood cell count"

"What is it?" I take the chart from his hands.

"Twenty seven, with 16 percent bands."

"Something else is wrong. This has nothing to do with the procedure from this morning. Did you check for any other possible sources of infection or recent illness?"

"Yes"

"Puckerman" he looks into my eyes with a terrified expression. "You personally did a check up on my patient before surgery, right?"

"Of course I did"

"You better."

"I did, I swear. But I didn't see his left ankle. He's got a new tattoo and it's infected"

"Did you put him on antibiotics?"

"Yes."

There's nothing else that we can really do at this point but wait and see if the antibiotics work. Knowing the patient as well as I do at this point, I'd dare to say that he intentionally left the information of his new tattoo out of this, simply because he didn't know how serious it could affect him.

Just as I'm leaving the room his machines start to flat lining and both Puckerman and I run back inside.

"What is happening?" he yells as Digby sweats profusely and starts shaking harshly.

"His organs are failing, secondary to overwhelming sepsis" I throw the pillows to the floor as I push the blue button behind the bed. "Fix his BP, Puckerman. It should help his mental status"

"He's maxed out on pressers. We got V-tach"

"Put the defib pads on him and give him 150 of amnioterone, now!" I watch Puckerman's hands shaking but he manages well.

"I lost his pulse"

"Defib! Get the pads!" I have to take the pads from him when he stands and freezes. "Charge to 200. Clear" I shock him but he's still flat lining. "Charge to 300. Clear."

We get no response and I start CPR on my own but he doesn't respond. Damn it Digby! Damn it, you cannot go like this. Not over an infection.

But minutes pass by quickly and he doesn't response. Eventually, I have to stop.

"Time of death" I look at the clock as I take off my globes. "20:49."

Puckerman mumbles something about home as I leave the room exhausted beyond belief.

The importance of little details is something that we like to overlook. Mr. Owens collected scars in his body and loved to feel physical pain from them and he was killed because of a minor infection.

As doctors, we can't overlook little details, they're just as important as the big ones. Patients on the other hand, often keep secrets from us in fear of embarrassment without realizing how important it is to speak.

When the clock hits ten in the evening I leave the hospital, thankful that my shift is over for the day and when I get to Rachel's house, for the first time ever I'm hoping for just sleep.

"Hey" she leans on the door tiredly as I walk inside after kissing her cheek.

"You look comfy" I say motioning to her short pajamas.

"It was a long day" she closes the door before wrapping her arms around my waist and nuzzling her face in my neck.

"I know" I kiss the top of her head as I walk us to her kitchen and put down the bag with Chinese food, along with my purse. "I brought food"

"I'm so hungry I could eat you right now"

"I don't have a problem with that" I say smiling but she rolls her eyes at me as she pulls the cans out of the bag.

"I know you don't."

She hands me a bottle of red wine right before getting two glasses and we sit down to eat. This feels oddly familiar, as if we've done this a hundred times and this isn't our first. There is something absolutely homey about her and her house that I can easily get used to. That I _want _to get used to.

"They know" she says between bites and it takes me a couple of seconds to realize what she means.

"Do they?" I raise my eyebrows at the prospect. So I wasn't wrong about Anderson this morning after all.

"We weren't exactly subtle last night" I smirk at the thought and look up to find her smiling eyes.

"_We?_" I say and she rolls her eyes as I laugh softly.

"Okay, _I _wasn't exactly quiet. Happy?"

"Very"

"You think you're cute" she mocks me but I only smile wider.

"I'm quiet charming, I'll let you know"

"You're a pain, that's what you are."

We clean the table together and then we go up to her room. When she mentions a shower it's impossible to deny her but as soon as we're under the water it's clear that we won't be doing anything but showering.

I've never taken a shower with another person before in my life, but as every other thing with Rachel, the feeling is welcome and comfortable. She even lets me wash her hair and then dry it once we get out.

"You're stunning" I tell her before I kiss her lips and move away to give her some space to get dressed as I do the same.

"I don't want to disappoint but…" she says as she pulls me towards the bed. "I'd really appreciate if we just sleep tonight"

"Oh, thank God" I kiss her again and then we lay under the covers with her in my arms as she laughs.

"That tired, huh?"

"That tired" she turns on her side and I cuddle her, and it's clear who the little spoon is here. I kiss her shoulder as I get impossibly closer to her and she intertwines her fingers with mine.

So her friends know, I don't have a problem with that. I never wanted to hide what we have and this is only welcomed news to my end. I was a little concerned for Rachel's reaction but as far as I can tell, she's perfectly okay with it as well.

Funny how your mind can change overnight. The moment I got in my car in New York, I vowed to never let anyone else in. I promised myself that I'd never again give anyone the power to hurt me and here I am, cuddling a woman much younger than I am, who has stolen my sleep and probably my heart.

We aren't that different from Mr. Owens after all, we all like pain and maybe we're wired that way, because without it… without it we just wouldn't feel real.

What's that saying mom always repeats? 'Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.'

I get it now.

…


	8. Fear

**Fear**

When I was a little kid I loved Disney. I still do to be honest but I no longer live in the fantasy of fairy tales and happy endings. Life has taught me better at this point. I guess there comes a moment in our lives when we all realize that life is harder than what our parents made it look when we were kids.

The reason why I liked Disney so much was that I always dreamt that my prince charming would carry me away to a castle on a hill, far far away from my father and I'd finally be happy. But eventually I grew up, we all do. And one day we simply open up our eyes and the fairy tale disappears. We are faced with reality and we can't turn our backs on it. We wish we could but we can't.

And we stumble, we fall and we try to keep standing. That's why we all turn to the things and people that we can trust. So we can keep trying.

I've been drying my hair for two minutes straight when I notice that Rachel's been staring from her spot on the bed.

"What?" I chuckle at her pensive stare. It's like she's trying to see through me with how intense her eyes are.

"I was thinking that we should spend the night at your place tonight" she proposes and I turn back around to face my reflection in the mirror as I comb my hair back.

"But I like it here"

"I know you do but we're always here. Why are we always here? Do you even have a place?"

Her questioning is amusing, you have to see it from my end. I sit with her on the edge of the bed to put on my boots and then I kiss her cheek.

"What kind of place?" I ask and she playfully glares at me.

"A house. With a closet and your stuff in it. Your personal stuff. Do you even have one of those?"

"You already know my place" her eyes widen and she stares at me comically.

"The hotel?"

"The hotel."

I don't wait around to see her gawking reaction and leave the room. Ever since her roommates found out that I was the one dating Rachel, things have improved greatly. I can see why Rachel cares for them as much as she does and vice versa.

"Good morning" I enter the kitchen smiling but as soon as I see the amount of pancakes that Marley has baked I falter in my step.

"Hey" Anderson says through a full mouth. "You guys want a cupcake?" his eyes rake Rachel's legs in the skirt she's wearing but I only smile to myself. She's beautiful and sexy, he'd be a fool not to notice.

"No, thanks" his eyes snap up to meet mine but he quickly looks away.

"Marley made them" he says as if Rachel is paying attention and not giving me the same look she was giving me upstairs.

"If you don't want to tell me the truth, that's fine but you don't have to lie"

"I'm not lying" I laugh but it's clear that she isn't believing me.

"You are lying, you can't be living in a hotel"

"Wait, you live in a hotel?" Marley asks and then nods to herself, as if everything makes sense now.

"There are people who life in hotels" Blaine shrugs, still eating pancakes. "It's normal"

"Thank you"

"She's lying" Rachel says again.

"What's the big deal anyway? I'm barely there lately and you know I like it here. You said so yourself last week, that you like having your things around, sleeping in your own bed. I'm just making your life easier"

"You're like a health nut, aren't ya?" Anderson says motioning to my bowl and the cereal I just served myself. "You eat muesli every morning"

"No, I don't" I huff and start eating.

"The muesli thing, you do" Marley agrees and Rachel nods before kissing my cheek on her way to the counter. "The last seven days, at least."

I laugh now, I haven't been here for a week. "Come on now. I haven't been here for that long" they all give me incredulous looks and I turn back to Rachel. "Have I?"

"See?" she pecks my lips and smiles sympathetically as she sits. "Even they think it's weird."

I keep quiet as we all eat breakfast before we leave to the Hospital. I haven't really thought about getting a place here. To be honest, I thought I didn't need it. At first I tried to stay as much as I could in the Hospital so I wouldn't have to go back to the Hotel and then it was Rachel's place.

Thinking about it, I really do need a place to fall into that's not a Hotel room or Rachel's house.

"Are you okay?" she asks as we all get out of her car in the parking lot.

"Yeah, yes. Of course" I take her hand and together we start walking.

"You seemed really distracted during breakfast"

"I'm okay."

Marley and Blaine are laughing in front of us, and I realize how well I've gotten to know them during the last couple of weeks. Not only as interns but as Rachel's friends.

"You sure?" she asks before we get inside.

"Yes."

She kisses me before she jogs to catch up with her friends. My pager beeps and I don't have any more time to stop and stare at her.

Puckerman is in the patient's room and I have to control myself before I walk inside and remember that I specifically asked this guy on my service for the mere reason to keep him on a straight line.

"What do we have?" the girl on the bed looks at me from head to toe before smiling suggestively at me but I look at Dr. Puckerman smiling softly.

"Seventeen year old female hospitalized for excessive bleeding, status root canal. Also had a significant new heart murmur associated with fever. Now afebrile on antibiotics."

"If I'm gonna die, can you page my parents?" she asks as I read her chart and then get closer to her bed.

"You're not dying" I tell her as I check on her. Her coughing is rougher that I'd like but I need to see her lab results before I come up with any conclusion.

"Yet" she says.

"Where are you parents?"

"In the cafeteria. My freak father likes hospital food" she smirks at me, a flirty little smirk and I have to take a step back, just to be safe.

"Well, you're in excellent hands here. Dr. Puckrman is going to run some labs and I'll see you with your parents in a little while" I hand him back the chart as he nods. "Add a bleeding time to the coughs."

The gossip of the day is a psych's patient who apparently is an actual psychic. I'd like to meet him just to see it for myself. As a doctor I was taught that everything happens for a reason but there are things out there that don't have an explanation at all. I'm always fond of finding these things. Call me crazy but sometimes I like to prove that even as Doctors, we don't know it all.

"Is it true there is a psychic in the Hospital?" I ask Rachel as soon as I see her.

"Are you making fun?" she asks confusedly. "Because if you are, you have to stop. This guy actually predicted the death of a patient!"

"Baby" I chuckle at the shocked expression on her face. "I can predict that every day but I'm no psychic. This is just a Hospital."

She stays quiet and when I look at her she's smiling softly, almost shyly. "What?"

"Nothing" she smiles a bit wider. "I love having you over, you know that, right?"

"You've made me feel very welcomed, yes" she rolls her eyes good naturally. "You always think I'm talking about sex"

"Because you always are" I laugh as she pushes the door to the stairs open.

"You know me so well"

"That's the point" she stops and turns around. She's standing a stair above mine and for the first ever, I look up at her. "I hardly know anything about you"

"That's not true" I place my hands on her waist and pull her closer to me. "You know I'm from New York. I like ferry boats, my boots high and my jeans tight"

"Enough about your fashion style. What about friends?"

"I'm a surgeon. I don't have any friends" I kiss her collar bone but she doesn't let me kiss her any further and I have to stand steal as she eyes me seriously.

"Everybody has friends. Who do you hang out with?" I huff at that. I never leave the Hospital and when I do, I do it with her. "What do you do on your days off?" I raise an eyebrow at her and she shakes her head too quickly.

"You"

"Don't make fun of this. These are important question that I don't have answers to"

"Not that important"

"We're having sex every night. I think I deserve some details" I smile as she combs my hair back with her fingers.

"You have more details than most, trust me"

"This is going somewhere weird. I want facts and until I get them, my pants are staying on"

"Or you could just roll with it. Be flexible. See what happens" I ignore her threat but she glares at me.

"I'm not flexible" she crosses her arms above her chest as I laugh.

"I have to disagree" my pager beeps just in time now. "I have to go but I promise that you're not in the dark. This is the fun part of our relationship. Of any relationship, you know? This is the gravy." I kiss her cheek and hurry up.

"That's what I'm talking about" she raises her voice. "I don't want the gravy. I want answers."

"I'll see you later." I yell right back.

My past isn't something that I want to discuss with Rachel, with anyone really. I left that life behind, I don't need to be bringing it up now that I've found a new and good thing.

I know I'm avoiding her important information of me, but would it be so hard to just get to know me in my present?

…

Puckerman and I study Devo's labs results and together we plan her surgery before we go back to her room, were her parents are already waiting for us.

Is it weird that every time a new patient comes in, I beg for surgery to not be a must? Don't get me wrong, I like to cut as much as the next surgeon does. I love the thrill of saving a life, of getting my hands dirty in the process but there is also the potential outcomes that never leave my mind.

The parents look beyond worried. Devo is their only child and they really don't care who we are as long as we safe her life.

"Your daughter needs a valve replacement. Tests are indicative of Von Willebrand's disease, which explains excessive bleeding after the root canal."

"And that means?" the father asks and I look at Puckerman.

"Devo can't take the blood thinners necessary to maintain a mechanical heart valve." He explains but the parents still look confused.

"We're suggesting a porcine valve instead"

"A porcine? As in pig?" he asks shakily.

"Yes, it's the standard of care for someone in this situation" I look at him and give him time to think. How freighting it must be to see your child like this.

"Pig, huh?" he says after a while and I nod my head.

"I don't care what you have to do. Save my daughter's life" says the mother and the father is quick to agree with her.

"Alright, Dr. Puckerman will prep you for surgery" I smile at the patient but she's barely awake and weaker than before. "I'll see you in surgery."

She raises her fingers in my direction and I smile confidently before walking out of the room. It's always important to make family members feel comfortable as much as the patient. The patients always rely on other people to make decisions.

A car accident suddenly has everyone in ER. Even the Chief has gotten into surgery and every OR is occupied. My surgery has been pushed a couple of hours in order to attend urgent trauma patients.

I just finish intubating a little girl when I hear commotion coming from the next room. When I see Anderson and Puckerman in the room yelling to each other I'm really not that surprised. They are trying to intubate a man but Anderson doesn't seem able to do it and he keeps closing his eyes to think. Puckerman checks the man's chest before taking the tube from Anderson's hands and intubating him himself.

"There. Huh. Got it" even from outside of the room I can tell the state of the patient isn't good and I walk in.

"Are you trying to kill this patient, Anderson?" he gags for words a few times but nothing comes out. It's their sixth month here, he should know how to intubate properly by now. "Maybe we should sent you back to practice on mannequins" I check on the patient myself and then Puckerman hands me the chart.

"No, it's just I haven't done this much. But when I have, it's… it's been good. I can do this, it's just that I haven't…"

"Let's review the concepts, shall we?" I smile at him but he's not stupid enough to buy it. "Never take your eyes away. Always, always know you can follow through."

He nods but quickly looks away from me as his lips purse together, a clear sign that he's annoyed and frustrated.

"Don't ever follow through on one of my patients, Anderson" Puckerman tells him before we both leave the room.

"Get him to x-rays, run labs and call me when you get the results"

"Yes, Doc."

He hurries off, smiling. I have to give it to Puckerman though. He might be a pain but he's a pain straight forward. There's no hot and cold business with him. He is who he is and that's all. I kind of admire him for that. It takes balls to believe in yourself like that.

As I walk inside the ER I realize that most of the staff is gone. Everyone must be in surgery while mine got pushed back. The good news is that the intern that paged me was Rachel.

"What do we have?" she hands me labs results and films.

"John Doe, in his thirties. Came with an obvious chest trauma" I wince at the reddish bruise all over his chest and take a second look at his films. "Was coughing blood when he got in but as you can see…"

"The films are clear" I finish for her and she nods defeated. "He probably broke his teeth or bit his tongue, did you check for that?" she opens her mouth but nothing comes out. "Gloves" Tina is quick to help me with the globes before I open up this man's mouth to take a look.

His tongue is terribly damage. The chart says he was in the car accident, he probably bit his tongue when he crashed.

"He's one lucky guy" I say as I administrate antibiotics until Plastics can get down here.

"I thought he was a cardio patient" Rachel says as I hand her back the chart. I observe for a moment but she's not looking at me. She's upset about something.

"He could have been. The air bag saved his life"

"Yeah, well. We don't always get what we expect, do we?" she turns around with the intention of leaving but I take her hand and impend her from doing it.

"What is the matter?" I ask when she's looking at me.

"Give me something to go on. Anything. What are your grandparents' names?"

"I don't have any left" she takes a deep breath before she looks over my shoulder to where Tina and another nurse are standing. Rachel turns around again and this time I follow her to an on-call room.

"Where did you grow up? Do you have any brothers? Where did you spend your summer vacations?"

"Lighten up" I smile easily as she closes her eyes and walks further into the room.

"I need to know things about you" and the way she says it breaks my heart. She's suffering from this and that was never my intention.

"Rachel" she takes deep breaths until I'm close enough to wrap my arms around her waist and look at her in the eye. "Is it so bad that I want you to know my present and not my past?"

"Yes, it is. Your past is your history, is everything that you are and I need to know who you really are"

"But you know me" I assure her and place both of her hands on my chest. "This is me. I'm not hiding anything. I'm just trying to let the past where it belongs. I want you to know me now, this is me right now and right now I'm not hiding anything"

"I want to know about your family" her fingers are now playing with my hair above my ears as her big eyes look up pleadingly at me.

I look up at the ceiling and take a deep breath. If I open this door, then she'll have the key to unlock all the others.

I look at her again and taking a deep breath I nod.

"I will tell you everything… I promise that I will tell you everything you want to know"

I turn around from her and take deep breath, I don't want to cry but the sting in my eyes is undeniable.

"It's okay" I hear her say before I feel her hands on my shoulders. "I don't know what happened. I don't know how anyone could hurt you as bad as they have but I promise you" she forces me to turn around and make eye contact. "I won't do that."

I let her comb my hair, wipe my tears and then guide me to a bed where she lets me hold her tight until my breathing has gone back to normal.

I have been fooling myself into believing that just because I left a city, I've also left the past behind. Rachel is right, my past in my history. It will always be with me. I have been in such denial that I didn't realize how scared I was to open up like this again, or how much I still cared.

"I need to find a place. I can keep living in a Hotel" she huffs in my arms and her body shakes lightly with soft laughter. "What's so funny?"

"Well, you haven't really been living there. You've been living with me"

"Huh" she's right but I won't say it aloud. "I'll be apartment hunting tomorrow morning anyway"

"Sure you will" she mumbles as my pager goes off. It's a 911 on Devo.

"I have to go" I peck her lips before jumping off of the bed.

"I wanna come with!" I hear her says as I close the door.

Apparently, Devo's father has a problem with his daughter getting a _pig _anything and he's not signing the forms until we come up with another solution.

"If it were up to me" Devo says once her parents have left the room and it's just Puckerman, me and her. "I'd let you put _anything_ inside of me" she flirty says and my eyes widen as much as Puckerman's, if not more.

"Very inappropriate" I tell her in good nature.

"Suit me" she shrugs before she goes into a coughing fit. Once we stabilize her again, her parents have returned.

"There's another option" Puckerman suddenly says.

"Dr. Puckerman" I call him.

"No, no, listen Dr. Fabray. If we could just replace the porcine valve with a bovine then it should work"

"Dr. Puckerman" I try again but the parents are already listening.

"Let him talk" the father tells me and I surrender.

"Dr. Fabray can transplant a bovine mitral valve instead of the pig one"

"Can you do that?" the father immediately turns to me.

"Dr. Fabray, why wasn't this mentioned before?" the mother asks.

"Dr. Puckerman"

"I read this investigation a couple of weeks ago and the bovine valve has only been an option the last few years" he enthusiastically says, as if I didn't know this, as if this is brand new information for me.

"And it will remain being only an option because it's a much more complicated procedure"

"But you can do this, right? Replace it with it?" the father gets on my face but I won't stand here and be dragged into this.

"I'll study the option and come back when I have all the information that I need. Excuse me."

I only need to look at Puckerman for him to follow me outside. I retract myself. Puckerman just proved that he _is _as stupid as he looks.

"How dare you mentioning something you know so little about to the patient's parents in that room?"

"But I…"

"What incredibly small fraction of your brain were you using in there?"

"What?" I take a deep breath and stare him down. I really hate his superior attitude.

"Correct me if I'm wrong genius, but did you not present an alternative procedure without consulting your attending first?"

"I thought…"

"You weren't thinking! End of discussion. You're off this case. You're off my service. Go find someone who enjoys working with you because I sure as hell don't."

I walk away from him, leaving him with his confusion behind me. I can't believe he'd propose something, drag my name into and give the parents hope like that without even consulting with me first.

I've never done a bovine valve replacement. Like I said before is too complicated and there are only a few people in the country that have practiced it and are experts. Yes, the results are much better, the bovine valve lasts longer but the risks also increment with it. There are a hundred things that could go wrong.

I enter an on-call room with the whole purpose of resting but the moment I step inside I find Rachel laying on a bed.

"If you want some, this isn't a good time" she says with a soft smile before scooting over and inviting me to lay with her.

"No worries."

She snuggles close to me and I instantly start to feel better. Just having her here is already calming me down. It's a nice feeling, a _foreign_ feeling but nice.

"You look worried"

"I am"

"What's wrong?"

"I don't see you enough during the day" she moves to rest her hand on my chest and her chin above it. She looks at me lovingly and not for the first I wonder where did she come from.

"I know" she runs her fingers on my chin, soothingly.

"There's a procedure that I've never done before. A bovine replacement. I don't know nothing about it"

"You can look it up, research it, and get someone to assist you"

"It's not that easy"

"Why?" a million things run through my head and on the edge of another freak out she combs my hair back and I focus back on her. How does she do that? How can she take away all the worry by just moving her hands?

"I can't walk into the dark like that. I need someone to guide me through it, someone who's done this before so I won't make any mistakes"

"This doesn't sound like it was your idea in the first place"

"It wasn't"

"Then find the person who gave you the idea. Call someone who's done this before and ask them to come and land a hand" she sits up then and pulls me up as well. "This is a problem that has a solution, now go out there and find that solution. I ain't dating no quitters, got me?"

"Got ya." She pecks my lips before pushing me out of the room, literally.

The research room is –thankfully- empty and I immediately get to work. I've ready many articles about the procedure before but there are some recent ones that I didn't know about. I imagine these are the ones that Puckerman was referring to. It turns out that there is an expert in Florida and after I speak with him on the phone it becomes clear that I had nothing to freak about in the first place since he is willing to help. He can't come here but technology will allow him to assist me.

I find Puckerman in the hallway after a consult and it's obvious that he's trying to ignore me.

"Dr. Puckerman" he looks at me expectantly. "How long would it take to get a cow valve here?" his eyes widen and he hurries to my side.

"I can find out and I'll let you know"

"After you do that, book an OR for tomorrow morning, you're scrubbing in"

"Thank you, Dr. Fabray. Thank you very much"

"This doesn't get you any points with me, Puckerman. I'm the only one with points around here, okay?"

"Understood" he smiles before he leaves.

As I see him walking away shame washes over me completely. I was scared of his suggestion. I was scared simply because his proposal was new and I wasn't ready for it. I was scared and I shouldn't have been, I should have been prepared and take the challenge without doubting myself.

"Did you work it out?" Rachel asks as we meet in the hallway. She's fresh out of surgery and the glowing in her eyes is beautiful.

"Yes, I did. You were right, research and one call, and I'm all set"

"You see, I told you"

"How was your day?" I ask as I hold the door to the cafeteria open for her.

"Productive. Tired. I assisted Dr. Pierce on a brain surgery" she smiles widely.

"Congratulations" she runs her hand on my forearm before ordering coffee for the both of us. She gives me a look after I pay for the two of us but doesn't say anything. "You know some people would call this a relationship."

"Who? Who would call it that?" she frowns but the smile on her lips gives her away.

"Me. I would."

She doesn't say anything and I don't push it either. She knows how I feel about us, I just have to give her time to catch up and walk with me if she wants.

She is on call tonight but since I have some time off I go apartment hunting. It turns out that Seattle has many offers that are close to the Hospital which I really don't want, and so little in the outsides. Coming from New York, you'd think that I'm used to the noise and on some level I am but it doesn't mean that I enjoy it.

There is a little house just outside of Seattle, almost in the mountains that provides a beautiful view of the City and it has everything that I'm looking for. There are no highways or noise cars around. The only neighbors that I have are half a mile away and the interior design is just the perfect mix of modern and contemporary that I instantly fall for the place.

"I'll take it" the owner, an old lady smiles before handing me a contract and the keys to the place.

Since the place is completely empty I have to buy a mattress which is the most important if I'm planning to stay the night here. The rest can wait till tomorrow or next week. I don't really care.

When I check out of the Hotel I realize that I'm not even going to miss this place. It was never comfortable, it was never home.

I don't see Rachel until the next morning and even now, I can't even say hi because I have a meeting with Dr. Chesney, the Doctor from Florida who is going to help me in my surgery today.

When I get to the OR everything is ready to go, the gallery is full and even the Chief has come to see this new procedure. New advances make successful doctors he says before he retires to observe from the gallery.

"This is Dr. Chesney from the Cleveland Clinic" I introduce him, showing the Monitor on my right. "He's an expert on bovine valve replacement surgery and he will be assisting via satellite."

"Thank you, Doctor. Shall we begin?"

"We shall. Ladies and gentleman, let's hit the road."

Dr. Chesney turned out to be a true rock star and I've learnt something new in the process of getting to know him. The surgery is a success and that's exactly what I tell Devo's parents right after. She'll have a long and fulfilling life.

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you least expect it but when you need it the most. I was hesitant about this procedure but Rachel made me see the other side, she gave me faith that was I capable of doing it and she was right.

As the sun sets I'm driving Rachel to my new place and now more than ever I realize that the fairy tales may not be exactly the way Disney portrays them but they can exist.

"Where are we going?" she asks worriedly once we've taken an alternative road.

"Do you trust me?" I ask and as the seconds pass by and she doesn't answer I'm forced to look towards her, but she's smiling and looking at me.

"You're driving me into the woods and I'm still inside the car" she points out.

"You trust me" I nod and she laughs lightly.

"I trust you."

As I park she looks all around and her mouth hangs open when her eyes fall on the small house.

The castle… well, it may not be a castle at all.

"Wow, this is…"

"My new house" I take her hand and together we walk to the porch and she laughs when she sees the swing to a side of the front door.

"Wow, so the woods, huh?"

"Shush woman. I'm about to tell you stuff" she nods as I take both of her hands and sit down on the swing with her sitting right in front of me. "All right. My mother's name is Judy. My father left when I was seventeen. We never saw him again. I have two sisters and I'm the middle child, so you can imagine how spoiled I am" I chuckle but her only response is to intertwined her fingers with mine. "My older sister, Charlotte, lives in Los Angeles, she married her high school sweetheart and they have two kids, Ramona and Joseph. My little sister, Amanda, goes to Yale and she visits mom every other weekend. I love them to death. Mmm, I like my coffee with milk but I don't like to drink only milk. I smoke" she scrunches up her nose and I laugh lightly before clarify. "Once a month, every full moon, it's not an addiction, really. I'm a great dancer but I get shy when I dance in public. Favorite Novel, One last thing before I go. Favorite Band, Mumford and Sons. My favorite color is black but also red and I absolutely hate green."

She laughs at the irony because now I'm surrounded by green. I roll my eyes at her and she laughs harder. God! This woman is the most adorable thing I've ever seen.

"You can't hate nature, that's the only exception. Let's see… this scar" I lift my hair and show her a little scar on my forehead. "it's why I don't ride motorcycles anymore and I like quiet even though I'm from New York. I rent because I don't want to buy. I want to build my own house from scratch and knowing that I'll love every single corner of it and that's all you get for now. The rest you're just gonna have to work for it."

She kisses me then and standing up she pulls me to my feet with her. "Thank you" she whispers against my lips as she wraps her arms around my neck and I hold her close.

She kisses me one more time before pulling away and holding out her hand she takes me inside.

She might not be the prince charming I was taught to dream of, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

…


	9. Secrets

**Secrets**

My ringing cellphone wakes me up but I reject the call immediately. It's been a couple of weeks now but the calling won't stop. I turn around in bed to snuggle with Rachel as Marley's screams can be heard down the hallway.

"Who's calling you so early in the morning?" Rachel asks me sleepily as she hugs me close.

"No one" I kiss her forehead and hug her impossibly closer to me. I don't want anything to get in the way of our relationship.

"It could be the Hospital. It could be an emergency"

"No, it's not. We have to get up."

She groans and moans but she kisses me on the cheek before she's on her feet anyway. I have an unpleasant feeling in my gut about the calls but I still do the bed with Rachel, trying my best to ignore it.

Secrets always come out. Nothing ever stays in the dark. I should know, I'm a doctor after all. Secrets can't hide in science. Medicine has a way of exposing the lies and within the walls of the hospital the truth is stripped bare, always. And sooner rather than later, secrets in the outside world are also stripped and we're never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked.

Marley is leaning outside of Rachel's room when we get out and she smirks obviously amused before informing us of what's going on.

"Blaine is busy" she suggestively motions to the bathroom.

"I didn't need to know that" I shiver at the mere thought of Blaine doing whatever he does in there.

"Can't a guy have a little peace?" he says as he comes out and runs down to his room.

"Leave him alone" Rachel says as Marley laughs and my phone rings again. As I reject the call Rachel eyes me suspiciously but I can't bring myself to tell her about this. Not yet.

"Aren't you gonna get it?" she asks as the phone rings again while we get dressed. "It might be the Hospital."

"It's not" I assure her zipping up my jeans and kissing her cheek. "Breakfast?"

She nods but doesn't say anything. On my way to the kitchen I turn off my phone and push it to the bottom of my purse. I lean on the counter and force myself to forget about the calls and who's calling. I can't go back, I came here to move forwards and that doesn't include talking with my past.

"Everything okay?" I look up where Anderson is looking at me and I quickly start on the coffee.

"Of course" I smile and even though he doesn't look convinced, he doesn't push it.

Rachel eats in silence when she comes down and I don't push my luck. My phone has rang many times when she's around, sooner or later she's going to find out who is calling. But for now, I'd rather it be later.

She knows I'm hiding something and the longest she doesn't confront me about it, the guiltier I feel because she's waiting for me to come to her, which I can't do right now.

I've never liked secrets and that's the problem with them. Like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until they take over everything. Until you don't have room for anything else in your mind. Until you're so full of secrets, you feel like you're going to burst.

Since Rachel's car is in the shop, Marley and Blaine have been riding with us in my car this week and somehow I'm glad for the company in the car this morning but I don't know how to feel with Rachel completely ignoring me in order to look out of the window.

I know what I should do and I'm aware that I should do it soon but it can't be today, not today.

Thankfully I'm paged as soon as I park my car.

"Consult?" Rachel asks as we walk towards the front door of the Hospital.

"I have a small procedure early this morning. Everything is already prepped" I put away my pager and take her hand instead. She intertwines our fingers as we walk and I'm grateful that at least she's not pulling away, even though is clear that she knows that something is bothering me.

We get inside the elevator in silence and we ride it in silence. Her friends have taken another route to the lockers and I wander if it's because of how tense the car ride was.

"Lunch?" I ask as we enter the hallway. She looks at me, really looks at me and it kills me the way she does it that I look away. But her hands are quick to cup my face and softly she pulls me down to kiss the corner of my mouth.

"Lunch" she says before walking the opposite direction from me.

I stand and watch her go. The feeling in the tip of my stomach gets more unbearable with every step she takes but for the second time today I push that feeling aside and turn around to go and change my clothes.

"Quinn!" is the first thing I hear once I enter the OR. A smile spreads in my face instantly.

"My God, Bill. What are you doing here?" I hurry towards his bed and hug him carefully. When I pull back I look towards a very pregnant woman to my right and he doesn't have to say a word. "This is your wife" he nods and I stretch my hand out for her. "Quinn Fabray, very nice to meet you"

"Holly, I've heard so much about you" she smiles.

"Good things I hope"

"Bill has many stories about you two in high school" I instantly blush just thinking about the things we got away with in school. "Like you said" she interrupts my embarrassment. "Good things."

"We'll get back to this later, I really want to catch up with you" he winks before I turn to Anderson and Puckerman, who have been in the room the entire time and even though I'm worried sick about Billie, I also know that I have no reason to be concerned just yet. This procedure will let us know about that.

I look at my interns for the day and Puckerman quickly takes a deep breath before meeting my eyes confidently as Dr. Anderson hands me Bill's chart.

"Patient presented with abdominal pain and blood in his urine. Once his workup come back unrevealing, the urologist suggested a cystoscopy."

My first reaction is to frown but I control it quickly. This isn't the first time he's in but it's the first time he's asked directly to see me.

"Reason?"

"To get a look inside the bladder" Anderson answers as he operates the camera that's showing us Bill's insides.

"I appreciate this Q, I really do" Bill speaks. "I know this is a little out of your field"

"That's not a problem. It gives my interns something to do and I get to see you, all good" I smile but he barely returns it. This is what I meant by secrets always coming out. Now that he's here he has to stop lying about how bad his pain actually is.

"I have a feeling you keep them plenty busy" he raises his eyebrow at them in such a similar way to mine that it brings me so many memories at once but I focus back on the monitor. "We were in the Cheerleading squad together. I see it's gone from torturing everyone to torturing interns. Am I right?" I groan at him and look over my shoulders to my interns.

"Do you realize that I've managed to keep the cheerleading thing in the dark until this minute?" he laughs and for the first time I see just how bad he's hurting but it's obvious that he's trying to protect his wife so I don't mention it yet, since I haven't found the reason for his pain. "And be careful you two at how you answer his question." Anderson and Puckerman keep their mouths shut for which I'm grateful.

"Oh, I could tell you guys some stories" Bill chuckles.

"You have a camera snaking up your mojo. This isn't really the time to cross me, you know?" we both laugh but his wife's silence is very obvious once we're coming down.

"It isn't anything too serious though, right?" she approaches me.

"This procedure will tell us" I explain. "You don't worry about anything but growing that little guy in there, okay?" she smiles and looking over Bill she blushes.

"He kicks like you wouldn't believe" they both laugh.

"A badass then, just like his dad" I caught something on the screen then. "Move a little to the right. Your other right, Anderson. There" I point to the mass on the screen and manage to smile confidently to my friend and his wife.

"What are you seeing?" he asks fast.

"It could be a number of things. Don't worry" he nods, trusting me. "Anderson, take a biopsy of the mass. Dr. Puckerman, schedule a CT. Let's not worry until we absolutely have to, Bill. Alright?"

I'll be worried enough for the both of us until Anderson comes back with the results anyway. I don't say it but I do limit myself to get out of his room and attend a consult in the ER.

Looking to clear my mind I find myself in the gallery after, watching the Chief, Dr. Jones and Rachel do a surgery.

Bill was my best friend all through high school and more than that, he was my brother and my rock on many occasions.

Coming out in my household wasn't easy, but accepting myself was hell. He was there when I refused to see it, he was there when I stumbled all the way to reality and he was definitely there when I finally fell to catch me. He was my sanity in many ways and I just can't conceive the idea of anything bad happening to him.

Rachel's eyes suddenly snap up and meet mine. Something is wrong down there, the Chief is having problems with a suture but the way she looks at me I can't miss it. Silently, she's begging me to open up completely.

I smile at her direction before leaving the gallery and as soon as I step outside Anderson is waiting for me to take my mind off of things.

"We have the results, Dr. Fabray" I follow him and we meet Puckerman who hands me the results. Taking a deep breath I pull them out and examine them. The mass is big but I can instantly tell that it isn't a tumor. So Cancer is ruled out.

"There's definitely a growth, protruding into the bladder, but look at the edges. This isn't a tumor"

"Looks like an ovary, actually" Puckerman says out loud and I roll my eyes.

"Is that the flip answer you're going to give your patient, Dr. Puckerman?" he shakes his head and shrugs. "This is one of my closest friends. You might want to take this seriously, got it?"

"Yes, Doctor. I'm sorry"

"You better be" he rolls his eyes at Anderson but keeps his mouth shut after.

"I also got the rest of the labs back. They did a chromosome analysis of the tissue and you won't believe this" Anderson informs me a little hesitant.

I take the labs from his hands and read them myself. "Is that a…?"

"An ovary" Puckerman deadpans but before I can even glare at him, he's already looking away.

"Book an OR, we're removing this"

"Don't you wanna talk to the patient first, Dr.?" Anderson asks as he walks with me.

"I know Bill. Once I tell him it's… what it is, he's gonna want it out. Book the OR"

"Right away, Doctor Fabray."

Once outside of Bill's room, I have to take several deep breaths before turning the handle. "Fabray" he smiles widely. Luckily his wife isn't in here at the moment.

"I got your labs back"

"Is it bad?" his eyes meet mine as I sit on the edge of his bed.

"Well, the mass we found is not a tumor" he lets out a shuttering breath but doesn't break eye contact.

"That's good, right? Anything's got to be the better than cancer" he laughs nervously as I pat his hand. This wouldn't be an issue if I were telling this to someone who isn't Bill, because I know Bill and he's all about being a man's man.

"Well, that's where it gets a little tricky" he sits up on the bed, a clear sign that I've made him nervous. "The chromosomal tests have revealed that your body contains DNA from two different embryos that merged in the womb at the very beginning of development. In rare cases such as yours, the condition can produce gonadal hermaphroditism."

"I'm hearing big scary words here, Quinn. Can you like give me pay-cable kind of words" I smile and even chuckle. As if saying that wasn't testing enough.

"In common English, the mass in your bladder in an ovary"

"Huh?" besides confusion I can see fear swimming in his dark eyes.

"Don't worry" I hurry to tell him. "We're going to remove it. We have an excellent gynecological surgeon on staff"

"I have an ovary?"

"Don't freak out. This is simply a quirk of nature, okay?"

"Man! What am I gonna tell my wife?"

"Tell her that you're going to be just fine"

"But I'm still a man, right?"

"Of course. Those cheerleading years didn't affect you at all" I wink at him and luckily he chuckles at my joke.

"I was the only guy there. You all worshiped me" I huff, loudly so.

"Yeah, right. Especially your lesbian best friend, right?" we share a good laugh and I take his hand when his expression goes from happy to concern.

"What about… my sex life?"

"Have you been having any problems?" he laughs, louder than before.

"Was it my very pregnant wife that gave it away?"

"Right but don't you worry about a thing, Bill. It'll be as if you never knew it was there."

"Will you be there? In my surgery?"

"If you want me to"

"I want you to be in there."

I'm paged to the conference room and I have to leave his side with a promise to come back later. All the staff members are in the conference room and the Chief doesn't look happy at all as he stands in the front. Natasha looks amused by his side and I really have absolutely no idea of why we're all here.

"Three interns, four residents and six nurses on this surgical floor have been diagnosed with…" the Chief looks everywhere, hands on his hips and obviously uncomfortable. "…syphilis."

As the room chuckles and gossip begins to spread I spot Rachel with her friends standing on a side but she doesn't see me.

"There are over 70.000 new cases every year" Natasha continues. "Undiagnosed, syphilis can lead to blindness, insanity and death"

"If you're having unprotected sex with another member of the staff, get tested. This is not a request." The Chief finishes before groaning loudly as Natasha pulls out a banana and a condom from a paper bag. "Natasha will now give you a safe-sex demonstration."

Everyone erupts in laughter as Dr. Pierce whispers something in the Chief's ear before they both leave the room unnoticed by most.

"When the banana finishes…" Natasha continues to the amusement of everyone. "…gently peel off the condom and dispose of it properly. With every fresh banana, always use a fresh condom."

With the intention of seeing where the Chief and Pierce are going I leave the room but I don't get too far before I'm paged.

A little boy with strong pain in his chest comes in. He's asthmatic and unfortunately chest tightening is another one of it's symptoms but he's been recently diagnosed, he's only six years old.

I sigh deeply as I see his mom carry him out of the Hospital. His life hasn't even started yet and he's already paying visits to the local Hospital.

"You look so serious" Rachel says in a deep voice as she comes out of nowhere.

"It's been a long day already" I stretch out my hand and she doesn't take it but instead hugs me close around the waist. I kiss the top of her head before resting my cheek there.

"Does this help?"

"Yes, it does."

We stay like this for a moment, just taking each other in until she pulls back her head and squinting her eyes she fishes for words a few times.

"…you'd tell me if I need to get tested, right?" for a moment I'm not sure what she means but then I remember.

"You think I have syphilis?"

"No, I don't" she quickly says and hugs me tighter. "It's just… we never made any rules or anything. I mean, we never said _'We have rules,' _and I wouldn't hold it against you."

I shake my head and look above before kissing her forehead.

"Baby, when would I have time to go out and get syphilis? You're a handful enough as it is and besides, we're like, practically health ads."

"We should though" she says softly and I look into her eyes to make sure that she's positive about this and I smile when I see how serious she's about it.

"Okay"

"Okay" she also gives me a small smile before I peck her lips and she hums before pulling back.

"You think you're cute" I tease her as she steps back checking her beeping pager.

"No, _you_ think I'm cute" she walks away laughing as I stay defeated. I do think she's cute, she's adorable.

My phone rings again and just when I'm about to push the answer button I stop. I've forgotten that I turned it on again this morning and now more than concerned, I'm starting to feel sick. Why the sudden urgency to talk to me? Why now?

I turn it off again and leave it in my locker before heading to the OR for Bill's surgery. I'm not operating on him since it isn't my area of specialty but he asked me to be here and Dr. Knox was kind enough to let me in when he barely even knows me.

According to him this is a common procedure done in women and he seems rather calm as he operates on my once best friend.

"Dr. Fabray?" he suddenly calls my name and I get closer to the table.

"Is there a problem?"

"Well, not exactly but I thought you said this man's wife is pregnant?" I look at him confusedly before nodding.

"She's due in five weeks. Why?" he looks hesitant and I look at Puckerman who's assisted Dr. Knox today but he shrugs and shakes his head.

"Our patient has a blind vas deferens."

I blink as I recall how happy he looked with his wife, his family and I instantly become defensive. This couldn't really have happened to him as well.

"He's sterile then"

"And always has been" he confirms.

"Then who knocked up his wife?" I fix Puckerman with a glare but the worst part is that he actually looks curious. "Oh" he mutters after two seconds.

"Sucks to be him right now" Dr. Anderson adds and I could really, really should shut them up but the truth is that I'm speechless.

Bill's surgery goes perfectly well, he'll be up in a few hours and recovery won't take long. Physically he'll be good as new but emotionally I'm afraid he'll be devastated.

If I tell his wife what I found out today I'd be breaking protocols and confidentiality rules but he has to know, if not from me, then from her but he deserves to know. His situation takes me back home in so many ways that I can't even begin to deal with.

"She has to tell him, she's his friend!" I hear Anderson say behind me. I haven't even noticed that they were following me down the hall.

"Fabray's not gonna tell him" Puckerman calmly replies.

"But they're friends"

"They guy's better not knowing"

"Do you think Holly knows Bill's not the father?"

"Maybe, maybe not"

"If I were Bill, I'd wanna know if the kid my wife's waiting is mine" as Anderson ends that sentence I turn around to look at them.

"I don't remember asking for your opinions on the matter, so keep them to yourselves"

"Yes, Dr. Sorry, Dr. Fabray."

Even as we keep heading to Bill's room, my interns have no idea of how much they've actually helped figuring this out. Bill is my friend, he was everything that I had for a very long time and he deserves honesty, if not from his wife then at least from his Doctor.

I send them off when I see Holly standing outside of Bill's room watching him sleep through the glass.

"Quinn! A nurse just told me that everything went fine" she smiles but I don't return the sentiment and stand beside her.

"For how long have you been cheating on him?" I cut right to the chase.

"Wow" she breathes out surprised and pale faced. "Bill always told me that you were a…"

"A bitch" I finish for her. "And if I hadn't been, I wouldn't even be here right now. So for how long have you been cheating on my friend?"

"I don't even know what you're talking about" she spits in my face just with enough venom to know that she's lying. "I don't know what lies you're about to tell him but…"

"Your whole relationship is a lie!" she shuts up and tears will up in her eyes. I look away and take a deep breath. I was hoping for a miracle here. She could have gotten pregnant in so many ways but she's actually cheated.

"We're happy" she cries and I turn around to face her. It's like a déjà vu, everything about this moment I've lived it before and it hurts to know that Bill will suffer the same. "We've wanted a child for a long time. Why do you want to take this away from him?"

"Does he know about the other guy?"

"This is between him and me. You don't have any business in this"

"He deserves to know that the baby you're carrying isn't his"

"You can't tell him, why can't you just let it go?" I stare at her openmouthed. She has no idea of what she's done. He won't care about the guy, he won't even care about who is the father of the baby, Bill will care about the lying because that's what hurts the most.

"Because he will always be my best friend. That's why"

"If you consider him your best friend, you wouldn't do this to him" she desperately cries harder.

"I don't have to tell him, you can" but she jumps back at the mere mention of being honest.

"I won't ruin our lives like that. I won't do anything just because you think this is wrong"

"You just don't get it, do you?"

"What Bill doesn't know won't hurt him" is that her analogy to keep this on? Is that how her mind works? Is that how _her _mind worked?

"You can keep this lie as long as you'd like but I'm his Doctor, and as his doctor I won't lie to him."

Making sure that Bill is still asleep I walk away. How can she think that what she's doing isn't wrong? How can her mind take her there? Where are her morals? Where is her sense of loyalty?

I don't understand how someone who claims they love you can lie to you like that. I just don't get it.

I take off my robe and place it on a counter. Tina offers me a glass of water and forces me to drink it. But she can't see that I don't feel bad physically. I mean, it hurts, everything hurts but I'm fine.

I sit alone in the lounge and think about everything that's happened for the last months. I've been here for nine months and I still haven't dealt with New York.

"Hey, can I come in?" Rachel says from the door and I know exactly why I haven't dealt with nothing. I'm facing the answer.

"Sure" I whisper and she comes and sits beside me, full of live and energy she faces me. I've been trying to start anew with her but the past keeps dragging me back, one way or another is always there to remind me that I've also kept details to myself.

"I did an authorized autopsy today"

"What? Rachel! You can go to jail for stuff like that. There are reasons why we have protocols"

"I know, I know. Dr. Jones mentioned breaking the law and getting arrested. She asked us if we liked jail" I figure if she's calm enough then I should be as well.

"You're weird" I tell her when the smile on her face seems to just grow bigger. "And troubled."

"His heart was huge. It weighted over 600 grams and it had some kind of grainy material in it"

"Did you run tests?"

"See?" her smile gets impossibly bigger and she leans in to kiss me. "I knew you would see things my way"

"You've corrupted me" I kiss her again and she laughs against my lips.

"Yeah right. Anyway, he had a blood condition. Hemochromatosis?"

"Genetic disease"

"And we got the family to sign the forms with that" she nods her head with triumph and I kiss the smirk off of her lips before hugging her closer.

"You seem a little off" she comments and I decide to tell her about Bill and his wife. She listens to me and her fingers playing with mine on my lap keep me somehow calm, focused.

"What do you think I should do?" she combs my hair back and kisses the corner of my lips before speaking.

"As his friend he deserves your loyalty and as his doctor he deserves nothing but the truth"

"So I should tell him, right? You're telling me that I'd be a bad friend if I let him keep living in this lie, right?" she doesn't say anything and just kisses me before standing up.

"You already know what to do."

I stay after she leaves the room. I stay and think about how much I'd have loved if one of my friends had the courage to tell me what was going on. They weren't loyal, not to me.

Bill is just waking up when I enter his room, Holly is nowhere to be seen and I sit on the edge of his bed, hold his hand and tell him what we found out in surgery.

I don't like this part, I've never liked this part and especially now, I hate it. I hate to be the one who breaks his heart and I hate how embarrassed and angry he gets, I hate that I'm the one who is doing this to him but I tell myself that it's the right thing to do and I pull through it. So when he asks me to leave I manage to get out of his room without crying.

Whether he likes it or not, good or bad, the secret is out in the open and I feel free somehow.

I find Rachel waiting in the lobby for me and when she smiles I want to tell her what I left behind, what I've been hiding but I decide to wait until we get home. No more secrets, she'll know everything after tonight.

"How did it go?" I take the coat from her and take her hand instead.

"I'll see him again. He'd have time to process and I'll see him again"

"I'm sorry, baby" she kisses me and we begin the short walk to the front doors.

"I feel like cooking" I tell her, "what would my lady like to eat tonight?"

"This is why I keep you around, you see?" I kiss her forehead and open up the door for her to walk out.

"Maybe we can open that wine bottle in your kitchen while we talk?" she looks at me in a way that indicates me that she understands, she gets me and so she pecks my lips one more time. I'm coming to her and she was patient.

"Wine first, talk later"

"You trying to get me drunk to take advantage of me?" I tease her.

"I think I like this rules thing" she says as we stop outside of the Hospital and I pull her closer.

"Me too."

I kiss her red nose as I help her into her coat but just as we turn around the air leaves my body and my first thought is to run but all I do is turn around, face my girlfriend and squeeze her hand once.

"Rachel, baby. I am so sorry." And I wish I had the time to ease her worrisome and her confusion but she's too close and not slowing down.

This is the problem with secrets, that even when you think you're in control, you're really not.

"Deborah" even her name tastes funny in my tongue now. She stops walking and stands right in front of me, her perfect smile still intact and her green eyes smiling mischievously. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, you'd know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls" Rachel's hand slips out of mine as I try my best to keep focused. "Hi, I'm Deborah Fabray"

"Fabray?" Rachel asks as she shakes hands with Deborah.

"And you must bet the woman who's been screwing my wife" Deborah smiles sweetly just in time for me to shake out of it.

"Wife? What are you doing here?"

"You're married?"

"No"

"Yes"

"No!" I look at Deborah and she pulls out a folder out of her purse, a folder with unsigned papers.

I look back at Rachel but raising her hands she walks away.

…


	10. Cheated

**Cheated **

To be a good surgeon, you have to think like a surgeon. Once emotions get to you, everything becomes messy. Emotions are messy. We should all just tuck them neatly away and step into a clean, sterile room where the procedure is simple. Cut, suture and close. It keeps the mind focused, the heart at ease and your life untangled.

Rachel walks away and I let her get into her car because if I were her, I'd like to be alone. I'd like to have time to think and clear my mind.

When I look back and meet Deborah's eyes I'm hit with pain and anger. Sometimes we're faced with cuts that won't heal. With cuts that rip its stitches wide open at the first sign of weakness. This is my weakness.

Taking my own advice I walk away as well.

I don't sleep much, well, I don't really sleep at all and between memories coming back to me with every blink I decide to get back to the Hospital and the irritation that grows within me when I see Deborah wearing a robe just like mine when I get there makes my stomach twitch with anger.

"There you are" she says with a sickening wide smile on her face, as if she's been waiting for me this whole. As if the last months of our lives had never happened.

"What are you doing here?" I speak through greeted teeth and ignoring Tina's eyes on the nurse station as she spies on this conversation not so subtly.

"You hair looks different" she comments and when she stretches her arm to touch it I take a step back. "It looks nice though"

"A lot of things are different. Why didn't you sign the papers?"

"It's a little longer but I like it" she ignores my question completely and when she tries to touch my hair again I grab her wrist is the air.

"What are you doing here?" I demand to know but she snaps right back.

"What are _you_ doing here?" she frees her arm from my hold and stands up straighter. "You just pick up and leave everything? Your house, your own practice, your friends? You had a life in Manhattan"

"Had" I clarify for her before I start walking down the hall. I don't have the desire or the patience to hear what she has to say. All I want to do right now is find Rachel and make sure that everything is fine.

"And now you have a girlfriend in this place. She seems sweet" I turn around, stopping her mid-step and look straight into her eyes.

"The ice you're on right now is very thin, Deborah"

"She's young" she shrugs easily, ignoring my warning as she's used to ignore every word that comes out of my mouth. "That whole wide-eyed, ooh she's a heart surgeon thing happening, but still sweet. Which was what you were going for, right? The anti-Deborah?"

We're about to enter the elevator when I take a long look at her. She always had the power to ignore my words and to do it so lightly that I almost didn't see it, ever. When I noticed, I hated it but I loved _her_, so I willingly looked over it, as I looked over many other things in the past. But looking at her right now I know that I'm not willing to overlook anything anymore. A lot has definitely changed.

"I'm not getting back together with you. If that's why you're here for, forget it."

She laughs as we walk inside the elevator. The sound of her laughter tugs something within me but I look away and push the button instead.

"I did" she laughs, obviously mocking the situation. "I flew all the way across the country to reminisce over wedding photos, get drunk, fall into bed and make you realize you can't live without me" I look pointedly at her and she rolls her eyes playfully, with a smile on her lips. "Relax, Quinn. I'm here for work. I'm helping the TTTS case you guys admitted last week and from Victor's briefing, I should be?"

"Dr. Thomas knew you were coming?" she raises a single eyebrow before taking a sip of her coffee and smiles.

"He asked me to come. Didn't he tell you?" the doors slide open and I get out. Deborah was always in touch with _Victor_ after we moved to New York all those years ago. If he didn't know what was going on from my end, then he knew it from hers. She even invited him to our wedding! How could I have forgotten about his relationship with Deborah?

"No. He didn't."

"Hmm. Surprise" she smiles widely again, her big eyes shining as she does so and I realize that she's actually happy to be here. She's glowing. "The hair, though. You know how I've always had a thing for your hair like that, don't you?"

I stare at her before answering my pager and leave her standing alone. I was never good at ignoring her flirting. I guess that another thing that has changed completely as well.

There's an emergency. Of course there is. My patient is a 35 year old guy who crashed his car on a light pole on his way to his girlfriend house. Obvious chest trauma and his x-rays show that his lung is punctured.

"Does he need surgery?" Puckerman asks as I analyze every alternative to keep this man alive.

"You tell me" I turn around but his eyes meet mine in confusion. There is too much damage. "No" I finally tell him. "He needs new lungs"

"What is this?" he points to a black spot on the monitor.

"Blood. His right lung in punctured on three different areas, right here" I show him on the x-rays. "His left one is ripped on the side and its liking blood. He won't last long without new lungs"

"His sister" I look at him and he hurries outside of the room to get a chart. I follow him. "His sister was with him in the car. Dr. Pierce was operating but she's brain dead now and she's an organ donor."

I take the chart from him and take a deep breath. Would my patient accept his sister's lungs to live?

"Any other family member?"

"Their parents are on their way" this isn't just another surgery and Puckerman seems to get it. There are many factors playing a part in this particular case. Guilt, depression, sadness but mostly guilt.

"See what you can do. Norman might be hesitant to even consider the option"

"Understatement of the century" he huffs.

"Inform him, answer his questions. If you're doubtful, call me but don't push this on him"

"Yes, Dr. Fabray."

I find Dr. Pierce on my way to the lounge and she tells me about how she lost the girl in the OR. Massive head trauma lead her to bleed out fast but in the middle of our conversation we're paged 911.

Rachel, Santana and Blaine come down from the ambulance with the guy that served me my first drink when I got to Seattle. He's blacked-out while working a few minutes prior. Rachel looks at me and I cringe at the venom in her eyes but I focus on the patient for the moment. I'm not so sure I want to talk to her when she's had alcohol in her system but I'll try later anyway.

Once inside, it's clear that Dr. Pierce is more needed here than I am since his chest labs come back clear.

"I need patient's history, overnight labs and a cerebral angio" Lopez is quick to catch the chart and she's off with Dr. Pierce.

"Rachel" I try to call her but Dr. Rose steps in my way and looks at me from head to toe. She mumbles something that sounded just like _bastard_ under her breath but when I turn around she's gone.

I guess I deserve that.

Does everyone know who Deborah is now? What she shouldn't be still?

"Rachel."

She doesn't stop walking and between deadly stares from her friends thrown my way I follow her. I manage to catch up with her just before she walks out of the Hospital.

"Rachel" I take her hand but she snatches it away.

"Go away!" she yells.

"Wait, what? We need to talk this over"

"Here's a thought!" she yells back, raising her index finger in the air. "Leave me alone!"

"At least give me the chance to explain this to you"

"Explain? You know when you should have explained?" I take a step back as she advances angrily. "The night we met in the bar. Before any of this ever happened. That would have been a good time to discuss this."

"Rachel, please. Calm down, I know how you feel right now but if you could only listen…"

"How I feel?" she cuts me off. "I doubt that. Because if you had an idea of how I feel, you would just shut up, and you would turn back inside because you would realize that I am this close to getting to my car and running you down in the parking lot!"

She turns around and I stay behind, speechless. Anderson comes out of nowhere and runs to catch up with her but I stay, immobile.

After a moment I swallow and blink back the tears that are threatening to fall down and try to control myself.

How did any of this happened tonight? How did _she_ manage to ruin my life twice in such a short period of time?

I walk back inside and head directly to Dr. Thomas' office. When I open the door and find Deborah and the Chief laughing, I really shouldn't be that surprised but I am, and more than that I'm angry. She shouldn't be here, she doesn't belong here. I moved on!

I moved on.

"Well" she stands and awkwardly walks towards me. I look at her and I want to see _her_ but I can't, so I look away and step aside when she puts her hand on my chest. "I will be back in the morning to report for duty" she tells the chief and then her eyes are on me again. "Get some rest, will you?" she says with such familiarity that it makes me feel ill. There is nothing familiar about her and I anymore.

I stare blankly at the spot where she was just standing until I hear the door click shut. I breathe and look up to the Chief.

"What is she doing here?" I ask and I hate to sound so defeated but that's how I feel.

"You and I both know that she's the best in her field. Bringing Deb out here was a business decision, nothing personal."

I huff in annoyance. He's wrong and he has to know that he is. "It is personal. It's personal to me"

"There is only one of her and my unit needs her"

"You didn't have to bring my wife here!"

I quickly regret my words and look away from him. She shouldn't be my wife. I left papers behind. I signed those papers. I signed them once!

"Don't include your private life. I was wanting to leave you in charge until I'm back on my feet but Dr. Pierce can fill in now."

Ever since he had that surgery last week, every attending in the Hospital has been behind the Chief position. But like I said before…

"I'm not interested anyway. Pierce can have it."

"Like I said. There's no room for personal business in being chief and she has it all"

"What's that supposed to mean?" even if I'm not interested in the job, I know that have it in me if I wanted it and he can't tell me otherwise.

"How long have you been sleeping with an intern, Dr. Fabray?" I meet his glare right back and swallowing down my anger, I smile annoyed.

"So, I guess part of being Chief _is_ personal"

"Close the door on your way out" I do as he says when I leave his office.

Not only did he know about Rachel and I, but he was ready to use the information against me when the time came. When he called Deborah, he knew the time will be here soon.

I don't leave the Hospital and I won't until I see Rachel and talk to her. She has to understand, I need her to understand this.

…

Between consults in the ER and checking on my post op patients a new day arrives, and with it more insecurity.

I know I did wrong in keeping this information from Rachel but I was trying to leave all of that in the past and the only way to do that was if I stopped thinking about it. But it was wrong and I can see why she'd be as angry as she seems but she also needs to understand that my marriage with Deborah ended way before I left New York and it had nothing to do with her. I need her to know that she and I are real, that she wasn't some sort of rebound for me or whatever that is going through her mind right now. I need to talk to her.

"Dr. Fabray"

"Dr. Pierce."

We both keep walking down the hallway, our hands deep in our robe pockets. It's strange the way I can't seem to look at her after the incident with Lopez in that on-call room weeks ago. We can talk about surgeries just fine but now the awkwardness of it all is almost too much.

"So, congratulations are in order" I smile and as soon as our eyes meet we both look away.

"Don't sweat it. I'll only be your boss for a few days"

"I'm well aware"

"I thought you were stepping up" she says and for a second I'm shocked by her honesty but it slips away. Pierce can be a lot of things but she's one of the good ones.

"Clearly you've caused him brain damage on your surgery" she laughs with me as we enter the cafeteria and go for coffee.

"I know right? He even recruited your wife before he's gone. Or is it ex-wife? I'm a little fuzzy on that" I take the coffee and smile softly at her.

"Apparently she's still my wife, so we're just separated"

"Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Pierce" Deborah appears out of nowhere by our sides and Pierce smiles amusedly at me before she looks at her.

"You're never interrupting" she politely says.

"She's always interrupting" I deadpan but Deborah just smiles at me, as if she's expecting me to be hostile and is completely willing to take it. This isn't a game that I want to play with her.

"I was just checking to see if Dr. Pierce secured the intern?" I see Rachel walking towards us then and her eyes meet mine for only a second before she's talking to Deborah.

"The intern you requested, Dr. Fabray? She did."

I look at Pierce and she takes a deep breath before turning around and walking away. I look back at Deborah and breathe in deeply.

"Rachel, you don't have to…"

"Yes, I have to" she cuts me off right away and Deborah smiles impressed before also walking away with Rachel hot in her hills.

I quickly follow Pierce down the hallway where she left. "You gave Dr. Berry to Deborah?" she nods but doesn't stop walking. "Come on, Dr. Pierce. Are you sure about that?"

"What's the worst thing that can happen?" she smiles before Lopez comes running with lab results in her hands.

I can think of a thousand things that can go wrong with Rachel being on Deborah's service and I want to pull all the strings possible to take her out of it but I know she won't appreciate it. So I'll have to stand this one down, or maybe I'll just have a talk with Deborah.

Joe, the guy from the bar needs surgery and after coming up with a plan to save his life Pierce, Lopez and I visit him.

"Can't you guys just give me some pills and get it over with?" he scarily asks.

"It's the location of the aneurysm that makes it tricky, Joe. We have to operate" Pierce explains.

"Your body temperature would be lowered cool enough to protect it from any damage and stop the heart" I continue but he looks more scared by the second. I'd be as well to be honest. What we're asking to do is risky but we're the best and he's close to everyone in this place. We'll take good care of him.

"Which stops blood flow to the brain which reduces the risk of rupture. I'll have 45 minutes to clip the aneurysm"

"Before I step in and get the heart started again." I finish and I really can't blame him for looking as terrified as he looks right now.

"So, you wanna freeze my body, drain my blood and stop my heart?" he shakily asks.

"And bring you back, of course"

"In under 45 minutes?"

"Right" he looks at all of us before swallowing.

"If you go over, is it free?"

"No" Dr. Pierce is quick to tell him.

"Dr. Lopez, you can go and handle the pre-op labs now" I tell her and she leaves the room.

"How much does something like this cost?" Joe asks and I look at Dr. Pierce who smiles at him.

"You shouldn't worry about that right now"

"Look, you guys say that you can kill me and bring me back, I believe you" he says with a hand on his chest. "You're doctors and I own a bar. I don't got any insurance so I'm not that concerned about the surgery as much as what I'm gonna do when I survive it. So I need a number" he asks. "Just tell me. Ten grand? Twenty?" he swallows vividly as his eyes bounce from Dr. Pierce to me. "Thirty?"

"A couple of hundred at least" I tell him.

"At least" Dr. Pierce clarifies but all he does is nod his head and we leave his room.

He'll be bankrupt after the surgery but he'd be alive if he decides to go on with it. That's gotta count, right?

Jones rolls her eyes at me as I walk down the hallway and Dr. Rose 'accidently' throws the cafeteria door in my face. Anderson doesn't say or does anything against me but he's ignoring me.

I guess I also deserve that.

Yes, I kept a part of my life hidden but I wasn't lying. In my mind I was already divorced, Deborah was just the past. I didn't expect her to come here and tell me that we've been married this entire time. Yes, I did wrong in not calling my lawyer or returning any of his calls but I didn't want to take a step back at all.

After two hours I get back to Joe's room to check if he's taken a decision but he looks just as lost as when I left earlier.

"Hi, Dr. Fabray" he tries to smile from the bed as Dr. Lopez checks him up on the other side of the bed.

"How you feeling Joe?"

"Not so good. If I have this surgery I'd be on the streets" I wish there was something that I could do for him. I'd be willing to do his surgery pro-bono but I'm only one of his doctors.

"But you'd be alive" I smile and he smiles sadly. "Lopez?"

"Vital signs stable overnight. Today's CT shows no re-bleeding. The EKG shows normal sinus rhythm. No ischemia, no dysrhythmias."

"Looking good, Joe" I smile again but he barely returns the sentiment. "Page me if there are any changes" Lopez nods and I leave the room to find Deborah in the hallway.

Without missing a beat I take her by the arm and drag her down the hallway where there are no prying eyes or ears.

"Woah. I can't say that I've missed your aggressive side right now"

"Shut up, just shut up" I let go of her and face her sickening sweet smile. "The nerve you've got"

"Oh come on, she came highly recommended" she says without fishing around. She knows exactly what I'm talking about and it makes me angrier. She did this consciously.

"Right" the sarcasm dripping from my voice is not missed on her.

"So you don't recommend her?"

"I didn't say that" she smiles again but not with malice and I look away. I can't face one of those smiles and not _feel_ anything.

"Just not for her medical skills anyway"

"Would you just shut up?" I snap.

"She's not so bad" she shrugs, as if I need her approval. As if I care what she thinks, as if I didn't know that Rachel is the most incredible person that I've ever crossed paths with or how lucky I am to have her as my girlfriend.

"I'm telling you Deb, do not…" I stop myself from saying anything else as I see Rachel walking towards us.

"Dr. Fabray?"

"Yes?" I want to roll my eyes as soon as Deborah and I answer at the same time but I settle for looking at Rachel pleadingly, but she's not looking at me.

"Labs confirm what look like abnormalities on the ultrasound. I think you should come and see for yourself" she informs Deborah, who gives me one last look before taking the labs from Rachel's hands.

"Let's go."

"Rachel. Rachel." I'm about to reach out for her hand when she turns around.

"Don't" she warns through greeted teeth and I stay back, watching her go with Deborah, again.

My page beeps and I have to go but my mind stays with Rachel all the while. I need to talk to her soon. I need her to understand this.

Joe is already asleep when I walk inside the OR. Lopez and Rose are assisting today. Santana is Rachel's best friend, she knows her better than I do sometimes and it scares me that I might never get to top her at that.

"Is everything alright?" Dr. Pierce asks as she comes to stand close beside me. I nod but her piercing blue eyes stare me down, hard.

"Yes" I clear my throat. "Ladies and gentleman" I call out and realize that I've had the attention of everyone since the moment I walked inside. "Let's hit the road."

Today's procedure is very risky but the best option in Joe's case. I wouldn't dare to even mention this procedure if it wasn't for the team that now surrounds me. Dr. Pierce is the best in her field.

Lopez, as always, is focused on our hands. She is the perfect ad to separate personal life from work. Rose isn't as good as her in controlling her emotions though.

I can feel her eyes piercing a hole through my face as she glares at me but I don't look up.

"Why do we stop the blood flow, Dr. Lopez?"

"To protect the brain" she quickly answers. "Operate in a bloodless field so the aneurysm won't rupture"

"And we cool the body?"

"To induce hypothermia. It keeps the tissue viable until the blood is restored" she nods when she finishes and I smirk without taking my eyes off of my work. She's always ready, just like Rachel.

"Body temp is at 60 degrees."

This is it. "Ok, Joe, time to die." I clamp the blood line as Dr. Hummel turns off the bypass and we wait a second for the monitor to beep.

"Flat-line" he announces and Dr. Pierce takes over.

"All right. We've got 45 minutes, people"

"Start the clock" Hummel is quick to do it as Lopez and Rose get to work with Pierce.

…

Deborah hates the rain, absolutely hates it. She wouldn't have come to a City where it rains almost every day just because of a job. She came here because I'm here and I know how self-centered that sounds but it's the truth. I know her, I was married to her. Scratch that, I'm still married to her.

Why didn't she sign the papers that I left? If she wanted to be free in order to do as she pleased then why didn't she sign them? Why keep this to herself all this time instead of just sign the damn papers?

…

Seventeen minutes and Pierce is going at a steady pace. Everything is going smoothly and Joe is exactly where he should be.

"So, what's your 'Joe' story?" Pierce asks as her eyes meet mine above our masks. "Seems like everybody around here has one." Even though I can't see her smile, her eyes smile enough.

"When I first got here, Joe's was the first place I visited. It was two blocks away from the Hotel I was staying. I'd only been in town for a day" my chest tightens at the memory and I focus on Pierce's hands as I smile at the picture of Rachel that pops into my head. "I met this woman. I got drunk and she took advantage of me" she laughs and even Santana is cracking a small smile. "Or I took advantage of her? I don't know. We were drunk. Definitely, somebody took advantage. Either way, I saw it as my own initiation into Seattle. Like a new beginning. I saw it as the light you wait to come when you've been walking in the dark for so long."

A cold shiver runs through my arms and legs and I swallow down the bile that keeps trying to come out. I don't want to lose her. I can't lose her.

"What about yours?" I ask Dr. Pierce as I fight to control myself.

"I've been here for a while now and I visited Joe's just a couple of months prior" she says as Lopez hands her the clamps. "The rest of the story I admit, I thought you were reading my mind."

I chuckle as her amused eyes meet mine and Lopez' eyes widen. What I'd give to have Rachel here right now.

"Time remaining?" I ask.

"Seventeen minutes" Lopez informs me.

"I'm gonna need eight minutes to get him back, to warm him up" I let Pierce know as she struggles to get a hold of the aneurysm.

"Time to make the next 17 minutes count. You see it?" she shows it to Santana. "See? That's why we can't do it right there."

Time flies by and she still can't get a hold of it.

"Eight minutes" Hummel says but Pierce doesn't look up.

"We need to start rewarming, Pierce"

"A second"

"We don't have a second longer. We need to start warming him up"

"Just wait" the calmer she gets, the more worried I become.

"Pierce, you don't have more time"

"Hang on"

"Now, Pierce."

But she doesn't look at me and instead moves her wrist softly to the right. "If I can get behind the aneurysm, I can…" she pulls it out and smiles. "Got it. That's it" she tells me.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm always sure. Good work, everyone. He's all yours, Fabray" she winks at me before moving to a side.

"Ok, people. Let's grab Joe before he decides to go into the light. Start warming him up. Clamps are coming off" all eyes are on the monitors as we work. "Turn the pump on. Watch cerebral perfusion pressures. Keep M.A.P at greater than 60, please."

We have a heartbeat and everyone claps around me. We just put a man down and brought him back in 45 minutes. I smile and don't take my eyes off of the monitor until all his vitals have gone back to normal.

"We've arrived successfully."

Lopez' eyes shine with contained excitement and I'm sure she's considering hugging me right now but she settles for a convincing nod of her head. Rose rolls her eyes at my direction before leaving the OR.

…

I'm paged for a consult with Deborah's patient and my step falters before walking inside the room where Rachel and Deborah are informing the patient of her babies' surgery.

"See? Just a small scar" Deborah smiles at the woman.

"And my babies?"

"They are doing very well. Dr. Fabray is going to do a check up on them and Dr. Berry will be back to check on you a little bit later"

"So, this is the other Dr. Fabray" the woman's tone isn't welcoming but I still get closer and smile at her.

"I'll be checking on your little guys and Dr. Berry will come back to inform you later" she rolls her eyes at me before looking at Deborah.

"I'd prefer if Dr. Berry were taking off the case, since the other Dr. Fabray seems to be important"

"Why, is there a problem?" I frown and Rachel's eyes finally meet mine. I can't read the emotion swimming there. It's like she suddenly emptied herself of all feelings and it scares me.

"Just reminds me of someone I don't like very much. Someone my husband likes a lot. Particularly in lingerie. You understand."

Deborah smiles then and I look up to meet her stare. Rachel looks outside and my heart breaks for what she had to go through today.

"I'm sorry but I really don't understand" Deborah says.

"Well, she's the one sleeping with your wife, isn't she?"

"Ms. Philips" Deborah huffs softly as I move to stand by the door but Rachel still won't look at me. "I lack Dr. Berry's class and patience so, let me set the record straight. My wife didn't cheat on me, I cheated on her" Rachel's eyes snap up to mine and I take a step closer. "So you have the wrong woman here. Dr. Berry is a great person and I think you owe her one hell of an apology."

Deborah leaves the room and Rachel walks right behind her. I also follow her and together we check on the babies before she goes back to inform Ms. Philips.

She meets me in the lobby and she doesn't push my arm off when I wrap it around her shoulders. I walk her to my car and when she slips inside I let out a breath of relieve and quickly get in.

The ride is silent but comfortable. I drive to my house and once I park it's clear that she won't make the first move so I get out and go inside and throw my coat and purse on the couch before taking a six pack out and sitting on the edge of the porch. Rachel's still in the car.

My stomach clenches inside as I recall that night months ago. We weren't the happiest couple but Deborah was my wife. I loved her and I'd have done anything for her at the moment. She was my family, the surest thing I had and the only one I trusted with everything. She was my family.

How life can change in a minute will never stop to amaze me.

She sits by my side and takes a beer from the pack before taking a sip. I down half of mine in one drink and without looking at her I breathe in deeply.

"One night I parked my car in the garage. It had been a long day at work, I was exhausted and all I wanted was a shower." I stop and turn to look at her. It hurts to remember but it's nothing compared to what it used to feel or the fear I feel to the thought of losing this woman.

"I unlock the front door of my house, go inside and something' different. Nothing really is of course, everything's the same, but yet, still, something's different. And I stand there for a while. And then I know. See, there are moments for me, they usually come when I'm in the OR, when I just know what's going to happen next" she reaches out but before her hands makes contact with mine, she retracts it.

"So I go upstairs. As I'm walking down the hall, I'm trying to prepare myself for what I'm going to see when I get to my bedroom. I step on a man's jacket that I instantly recognize. And what I know now is that when I get into my bedroom, I'm not just going to see that my wife is cheating on me. I'm going to see that my wife is cheating on me with Sam, who just happened to be my best friend and a man" I push aside the memory of their faces when I opened the door but it doesn't disappear like I want it to.

"So pedestrian, common and dirty, and cruel. Mostly just cruel. So I left, talked to the lawyers, dropped divorce papers in the mail before I came out here"

"And you met me" she softly says.

"And I met you" I reach out then and before she even has the chance to recoil I take her hand and intertwine her fingers with mine.

"What was I to you? The girl you screwed to get over being screwed?"

"You are not a game for me"

"Just answer the question"

"You were fresh air. I was drowning and you saved me"

"It's not enough" she stands to leave but I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her against me.

"It has to be" I say next to her ear as the perfume of her hair invades me completely. "It has to be. I was hurt when I left New York but the idea of not being able to be with you hurts me a million times more. You are not a game, Rachel. You were never a game. You saved me once, please I need you to save me twice and let me save you as well."

Sometimes all we have to do is forget about remaining neutral and stop thinking like surgeons, and remember what it means to think and feel like a human being.

…


	11. Fall

**Fall **

My mother always said that good things come unexpectedly and you almost never know what it really is until you became close to lose it. My mother is usually right about everything that she says but she is definitely wrong about this.

I knew Rachel was the best thing to happen to me almost immediately. I didn't fall for her that first time I saw her nor the first morning we welcomed the sun together. But I am falling and I'm afraid she won't be here to catch me now.

So I hold her as tight as she lets me and pull her closer to me as we lay in my bed. I thought she was leaving last night, I thought she truly believed that it wasn't enough but she stayed. She stayed with me and it has to mean something.

There wasn't sex, there wasn't even a kiss but she stayed and that's more than enough for me. More than I expected and probably more than I deserve.

"Are you asleep?" she asks softly and I smile at hearing her raspy voice before kissing her forehead and snuggle even closer to her. "I'll take that as a no"

"I'm sorry"

"We need to talk" she says sitting up and away from my arms. I nod as I look into her eyes and also sit up against the headboard. "You're married" she states.

"But I don't want to be. I thought I wasn't anymore" she looks down and moves her hands back when I'm about to touch her.

"Don't" she warns but for this time I choose to not listen and sit closer to her so I can hold her hands like I intended to do in the first place.

"You just woke up in my arms, don't do this" I beg as her puffy eyes meet mine. "We communicated last night, didn't we?"

"Your wife screwed your best friend"

"And from that point on she no longer existed to me anymore. Hell, I was detached from her even before she cheated"

"You had marital amnesia" she tries to let go of my hands but once again I don't let that happen.

"I left papers behind. I thought she had signed them. In my mind I was already divorced when I got here"

"Why did you wait so long to tell me this?"

"I didn't want to remember any of it ever happened"

"But it did! And the fact that you didn't want to remember only proves that you still love her!"

She stands from the bed but I follow right after her. I keep my distance this time though and let her pace the bedroom as I process her words.

"The fact that you're silent right now proves that I'm right!" she yells again but I only shake my head.

"No, it doesn't" her chest heaves with anger but I remain calm as I look at her. "My marriage with Deborah ended long before she cheated. I love her, of course I do. I was married to her for years…" she takes a step back from me but I take two towards her and grab her arms in place. "…but I'm not in love with her. I hadn't been for a very, very long time."

"It's not enough" she tells me and I notice that she isn't angry anymore. She's resigned.

"I'm telling you the truth, I'm baring my soul out here for you. I'm giving you the answers to all of your questions. How can it not be enough?"

"When you waited months into our relationship to tell me, and I had to find out by her showing up all leggy and fabulous and telling me herself. You pulled the plug. I'm a sink with an open drain, anything that you say now runs right out. There will never be enough."

…

Once at work, her words still run wild in my head and there is a permanent knot in my throat. I walk like a zombie from consult to consult until I find Dr. Rose in the ER.

My patient is bleeding out and we head to an OR immediately to try to stop the hemorrhage. Clearing my mind off of everything that's happened last night and this morning I ask for a scalpel.

"Dr. Fabray?"

"What?"

"Doctor?"

"What?" I snap my head towards Rose who looks apologetic and scared. "What?"

"Aren't you gonna say it?" Hummel asks from the other side of the table and I turn my eyes back to my patient.

I breathe in deeply and close my eyes. The only sound that I can hear is the one coming from the machines keeping this man alive. Swallowing is hard and my chest hurts a little bit more each time that I try to do it.

I look back up and meet the eyes of my team before locking eyes with Marley. I wonder if Rachel hates me as much as Dr. Rose seems to.

"Ladies and gentleman, let's hit the road."

Mr. Seibert has been on a car accident this morning that took a man's life. His wife and son are also in the Hospital but none of them have serious injuries from what I hear.

I stop the bleeding successfully but it's clear that that isn't going to be enough to safe this man's life.

"There's no point with his liver" Dr. Domn says as we both take a look at it.

"I'm done here" I take off my hands but sadly, I have to agree with him.

"I'll do what I can though" he says unapologetically.

"What do you see, Dr. Rose?" she looks at me with something close to pity in her eyes.

"A deep laceration, bleeding"

"What else?"

"It's hard and pale, cirrhotic. I heard he's on the transplant list"

"His wife and son are here, right?"

"Yes, Doctor."

This surgery will take from five to six hours and the liver has already been compromised beyond repair. We need to get him a new liver or else he won't make it.

I leave the OR and immediately find Dr. Pierce to inform her of the situation. She's an excellent Chief for the time being and she gets to work as fast as she can on the matter.

I, on the other hand, go back to my previous state. And I want to shake out of it and do something to help but I can't, and the longer I think of a way to show Rachel what she needs to see, the more I blind myself of ways to do it.

I'm inside the elevator when the doors slide open and Deborah walks in. I feel my body grow tense with her mere presence but I don't look at her with the hopes that she won't talk to me.

"You told Rachel what happened?"

"Couldn't you just ride the elevator in silence?" I push the button harder, as if it would get me to my floor faster.

"I talked with her" I turn back around and her piercing eyes are already waiting to gawk my reaction.

"What did you say?" the doors lift open but neither one of us makes a move to get out, and they close again.

"That sometimes people do desperate things to attract attention"

"Wow" I want laugh in her face but I just look at her disbelievingly. "That's your side of this? Is that what you've been telling yourself? That I didn't pay you enough attention? Is that what you were thinking when you got naked with my best friend?"

She reaches out and pushes the button harder than I did before.

"No, Quinn. By that point I wasn't even thinking anymore" she defensively says. "By that point I was scratching an itch."

I look down and away from her after hearing her words. Our sex life died way before the marriage did but that wasn't entirely my fault. I admit I didn't do much about it but she didn't either. The fault is on both of us.

"We got successful, the both of us" she continues. "We got busy and lazy. We didn't even fight anymore, Quinn. And Sam was there and I missed you. And now I'm sorry, I really am. I'm more sorry that you can possibly imagine but at least I'm willing to talk to you about it."

The doors finally open up and I walk outside, trying my best to ignore the tears that are willing up fast in her eyes.

"Quinn, please" I turn around and look at her. "Please"

"I'm a sink with an open drain."

I walk away from her and block out the entire day. It feels like the first month I was here all over again. I don't leave the Hospital and I eat, shower, sleep and change in the Hospital as I wait for a chance to try again with Rachel.

I finish operating on a lung cancer patient when the sun is coming out again. As surgeons, we are control freaks. Inside that OR I felt tall and bullet proof but as soon as I walked out, all that perfection, all that control just crumbled to my feet and I'm nothing again.

After picking up coffee from the Cafeteria I find the Chief standing up and looking renewed waiting for the elevator.

"Good morning, Dr. Fabray" he cheerfully says. He's obviously glad to be back.

"The mornings aren't good anymore since you invited Satan to Seattle" we both walk inside the elevator.

"Satan?" he asks confusedly just as Deborah catches the elevator with us. Funny, how I seem to see her more than I do Rachel.

"Good morning, Victor. Looking good" she smiles.

"Satan speaks" I tell the Chief before sipping my coffee.

"Actually I prefer to be called ruler of all that is evil" she says to the amusement of the Chief, who laughs with her. "But don't worry, Quinnie. I'll answer to Satan"

"Don't call me that" I warn her before looking at the Chief again. "What is she still doing here?"

"I asked her to stay. We have a pediatric surgery attending on maternity leave" I stare at him for long seconds as I try to swallow down that pill of information and as soon as the doors open I walk out. Surprisingly without running.

I stop at a Nurse station to clear my mind but before I can even start thinking about what this could mean for Rachel and I's relationship, I'm paged.

"Good morning" I enter the room and Mr. Gaston barely smiles up at me. Jones is in the room with her interns and even though I try to look for Rachel's eyes, she's focused on the patient.

"Mr. Gaston is scheduled for a re-section non-small cell carcinoma today. He did well overnight. Has remained afebrile. He's had a dose of acephitraxon this morning. His pre-op labs are unremarkable. His chest x-rays are unchanged from previous." Rachel informs me as I take a step closer to her when I notice how pale she's looking.

"I own a couple of dry cleaning stores" my patient coughs lightly, making me look away from her. "Never believed what they said about inhaling the chemicals, but…"

"We're going to do everything we can for you, Mr. Gaston" I assure him before turning back to Rachel. "Did oncology see him yet?"

"They're waiting for the surgical path" I want to ask what's going on, if she feels alright but this isn't the right time.

"Thank you, Dr. Berry"

"You're welcome, Dr. Fabray."

We all leave the room after informing Mr. Gaston that we're going to have to operate and I smile to Dr. Jones for putting Rachel on my service today but she only rolls her eyes in response. Her reply makes me want to laugh and I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm finally losing it or maybe it's because at least something is still the same around here.

I follow Rachel to the bathroom and watch as she leans on a sink and rubs her lower stomach with her eyes closed.

"How long have you been in pain?" I ask her as I get closer. She looks at me and for a moment I truly believe that she won't say a thing.

"Just today" she breathes out. "I always get terrible cramps before my period"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure" she says harshly before leaving me standing alone in the middle of the bathroom. I'm about to follow her again but I'm paged by Deborah.

Dr. Rose is standing beside Deborah in the Natal Intensive Care Unit when I get there and neither one of them says a single word as I review the baby's chart.

"Where's the mother?" I ask them as I observe the child through the glass.

"Gone. She stuck around long enough to get the kid strung out and then took off. Nice, huh?" she sarcastically asks.

"This isn't funny" I tell her through greeted teeth. The fact that I have to work with her and have her acting anything less than professional makes me want to shoot myself. Literally.

"Quinn, I know it's a long shot" she says softly. "I know that."

"No, you don't." I cut her off and shake off the hand that she's place in my upper arm. "This baby is premature, underweight and addicted to narcotics. There's no way this kid is going to survive an open heart surgery. It's impossible"

"You don't know that yet"

"Even if she does. Her chances to survive the after are cero to a hundred. She's going to live a short painful life"

"But you don't know that" she tries again.

"It's my job to know that"

"You're not God, Quinn" she exasperatedly says.

"Excuse me?" I ask disbelievingly.

"I'm sorry honey but you're not. You don't get to decide…"

"Did you just call me honey?" I cut her off and she looks down as she bites her bottom lip. "Don't ever call me honey again!"

"Fine" she raises her hands in the air. "You're not God, _Dr. Fabray._" I roll my eyes and turn around instead of looking at her. I can't believe how fast she gets under my nerves and wonder if it was always this way. "If the patient has any chance at survival, which I think she does, then you have a responsibility…"

"Don't talk to me about responsibilities!" I cut her off one more time.

"You took an oath Quinn!" she half-yells.

"Oh, don't you dare talk to me about oaths!"

"Quinn, I made a mistake!" she begs as I glare at her. "People makes mistakes!"

"You slept with my best friend in my favorite sheets. I can hardly call that a mistake"

"You hated the flannel sheets!" she throws her arms around as Dr. Rose's eyes dance from Deb to me, trying to keep up.

"I loved those sheets!"

"You liked the Italian sheets with the paisleys…"

"Would you just shut up about the sheets?" she rolls her eyes but takes a step closer to me anyway.

"I think I'm gonna be outside" Dr. Rose finally announces before she leaves just in time for Deborah to start crying.

"Don't do this" I ask her but she was never a loud crier, so she just nods before taking a deep breath.

"This baby girl is a fighter, Quinn. Look how far she's come already"

"Don't get attached or involved. Don't make her life more painful than it already is" tears stream down her face softly and I look away. After all this time…

"Quinn, please. She has nobody. She needs someone to fight for her"

"She's too far gone. You have to let her go" I say calmly and even offer her a paper towel. "Let her go in peace."

I don't stand around to see her controlling her tears and walk straight for the door. "Walk away, Quinn. That's what you do best after all."

I look both sides of the hallway before taking the left. She walked away from me as well. She gave up on us before the idea even crossed my mind. She doesn't get to blame everything on me.

I see Rachel leaning on the side of a wall again and this time she looks worse than when I saw her earlier in the bathroom.

"Hey, Rach. Are you okay?"

"Don't!" she yells right before I can even touch her. I look around quickly and see Puckerman standing a few feet away from us. Why can't we ever get a moment alone?

"I'm sorry but…"

"Stop being sorry! I'm tired of you saying that word" she groans and now more than even I want to be able to touch her but she raises her hand, silently telling me to stay away.

"Rachel…"

"Don't"

"Dr. Berry"

"Wow" she starts laughing sarcastically now. "Dr. Berry, seriously? Are you concerned about Noah finding out about us now? Is that what matters to you? Do you think he cares who I sleep with?"

"No, Rachel" but she's not hearing me.

"Noah!" she calls him and he looks at her quickly. "Do you care that I was the intern stupid enough to screw the married attending?"

"No" and he looks away as I stare at Rachel. She has every right to act this way. I did this and now I have to fix it.

"It's okay"

"No, it's not!" she yells right back. "You have a wife who's not easy to hate. Who's annoyingly kind and painfully smart and currently fighting for the life of a baby girl!"

"Rachel, please"

"Don't! Don't talk to me like you're my girlfriend"

"Don't do that, Rachel"

"Stop, just stop." I look up to Puckerman who looks like he wants to come closer but he's refraining. "Your OR is ready and Mr. Gaston has been prepped."

"Thank you" I whisper softly as she glares daggers at me.

"You're welcome."

Puckerman gives me one last pitiful shrug before I follow Rachel to the OR. We wash up in utter silence but at least she doesn't look in pain anymore.

"Ladies and gentleman. Let's hit the road."

Today I'm blessed with a full audience inside my OR. Four interns stand aside to watch me dissect this tumor. Rachel is one of them.

"Give me more suction, please" I look up to find Rachel's eyes staring solely at me. "Just starting to dissect around Mr. Gaston's tumor" I inform her. "Come closer to take a look."

She takes one step as does the rest of the interns. "We're almost there." But after a couple of seconds we aren't. "The tumor has infiltrated the pericardium. Berry?" there's no answer so I look up to see her but she looks fine by the moment.

"Yes?" she answer after a couple of seconds when I've returned my sight to the patient.

"There's an arrhythmia when I press down on the tumor. That is a sign of what, Berry?"

"Um…" there is too much blood and Rachel isn't answering. "it's a sign of… the tumor has infiltrated the pericardium"

"Yes, possibilities? Suction"

"In all… I'm sorry I…"

"Rachel" I call her but she doesn't answer and I can't look away. "Rachel, answer me"

"It could be causing a tear in the aortic muscle of the heart" another one of the interns answers.

"So, he's got a broken heart" another one says just in time when there's a loud thud as a tray falls to the floor.

I quickly look around and realize that Rachel is swaying from side to side. "Rachel. Rachel"

"Dr. Berry, are you okay?"

"Rachel, look at me!" with my hands in this guy's heart I watch as Rachel collapses to the floor. "Someone help her! Rachel! Damn it! Somebody help her. Get a gurney in here, now!"

My patient is bleeding profusely now but I can't focus on anything else besides the fact that Rachel in unconscious on the floor. Thankfully I see Dr. Jones and Dr. Rose run inside my OR.

"How is she, Jones?" my question goes completely ignored as they raise Rachel. "Rachel!" I call out even though I know she can't hear me.

"We've got it, Dr. Fabray. We've got it"

"Talk to me, please. Tell me what we do know. What do we know? Talk to me Rose!" I yell as they place Rachel on a gurney.

"I don't know" she says.

"Come on, people. Move!" with my eyes on this heart I beg to whoever is listening to please, take care of Rachel.

"What hurts, Rachel?" Jones asks softly but Rachel's voice is too weak, she's barely conscious now.

"Her lower abdomen was hurting earlier" I tell them. "Page the other Dr. Fabray and have her look at her, come on"

"Page, Dr. Fabray" Jones repeats as they start moving Rachel out of the OR.

"Dr. Jones" I call her out. "When you get her stabilized, I need a report, please" but she doesn't answer and I stop doing what I'm doing in order to look up. "Dr. Jones?!"

"Right, yes. Yes, Dr. Fabray. Let's go!"

With my eyes closed I take a deep breath and will myself to _be _here. Mr. Gaston's bleeding is starting to go down and I'm a step closer to close him up.

I manage to clear my head enough to finish the surgery successfully and then I get out of the OR as quickly as I can.

"Oh, good you're finished" the Chief says as I find him in hallway. "I need you to do a needle biopsy"

"Sure Chief but now I need to go check on… there's someone I need to see…"

"No" he says worriedly. "I need you to do a needle biopsy now"

"Chief, now it's not a good time. Please, I just need to…"

"I'm not in the mood for a debate. So you'll do this now because I asked you to."

Reluctantly I follow him to the room of an elderly patient, who has been a close friend of his.

I force myself to focus once I enter the OR again and I do the procedure in silence. But I can't stop thinking about Rachel and her condition. She has to be alright. She just has to.

Anderson assists me but he looks just as stressed as I am or maybe even more. When we finish we both scrub out fast.

"Tell them the chief said to put a rush on this biopsy. Tell them is a close friend of his"

"Okay. Do you want the histological grade and staging or any specific stains?"

"Have them run all tests."

He gives me a pleading look before he runs down the hallway and I run off in the opposite direction.

"Dr. Fabray?" Tina calls me and I sigh before turning around.

"Yes?"

"Mr. Gaston is awake and asking for you."

I nod and follow her down the hall again. Will I ever get to Rachel's bedroom and check on her? At least Tina lets me know that she's alright and she didn't need any procedures.

"Where were you, Doc?" he asks softly as I enter his room. I should have been here the moment my patient woke up but it's hard to separate my personal life form my work when the person I love works in the same place that I do.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Gaston" he shrugs it off and with an intern I don't know the name off I walk further inside the room. "We went in expecting to simply remove the tumor. Instead it was a little more complicated than that. The tumor infiltrated into the pericardium causing a tear in the outer muscle of the heart"

"That's a lot of medical talk" he laughs awkwardly.

"Basically it means that you…" I clear my throat and smile at him. Oh, the irony. "It means that you have a broken heart, literally. But you're going to be just fine."

He laughs and I take the opportunity to leave the room. I lock myself in an on-call room and finally let the tears fall. I'm not sure how I'm still standing after this day.

No one likes to lose control but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness. Of not being up to the task and there are times –like today- when it just gets away from you. When the world stops spinning and you have to stop, hide and let it out. And you realize that the shiny little scalpel that helps your save lives all the time, won't save you. No matter how hard you fight it. You fall and it's scary as hell.

I tell myself to stop and breathe out through my mouth. I wipe away the tears and fix my clothes before I walk out.

When I get to Rachel's room, she's not alone. Noah, Blaine and Marley are sat in chairs around her bed and Santana is sleeping besides her, with her hand tightly intertwined with hers.

There is an upside to free falling after all. It's the chance you give your friends to catch you and Rachel –however unintentionally- has proven to have some very good friends by her side today.

…


	12. Fall (part 2)

**Fall (part 2)**

I turn around and walk down to check on Deborah's patient from this morning. She's watching the baby closely and even from the door I can tell the little girl is holding her finger. Deborah is smiling.

"Hey" I say as I walk inside and she smiles softly before reaching out her hand, which I take and she pulls me close and into a comfortable hug.

"She'll be alright" she rubs my back as I let my head rest on her shoulder. "It's going to be okay." I hug her back, tightly and she lets out a breath.

"Your hair is looking wild" she smiles as she steps back. "Makes you look hot" she messes with it before I stop her.

"It's not funny" she smirks in that way that I used to love, but that now it just provokes me melancholia. There are fond memories, happy memories that I don't ever want to forget, her smile is one of them.

"You know the way I see it, we could deal with us in one of three ways" she says suddenly and I decide that I want to listen to this even though I know that I'm not getting back together with her.

"Option One" she says. "You could forgive me and come home and we could move on with our lives like adults. Forget that Seattle ever happened" I smile to myself. As if I could ever just forget about Rachel. "Option Two: You could forgive me, come home but you can still bring it up to use it against me whenever we argue."

"It's not funny and I'm not leaving Seattle. You are"

"Satan has a sense of humor, you know?" she says completely ignoring what I just said but I'm too exhausted to pick up a fight right now.

"What's the third option?" I ask her instead

"I don't know what the third options is yet" she says lowly and leans in to kiss me. When I feel her breath against my lips I turn my face away and she ends up kissing my cheek. I instantly feel bad for her and myself.

"I just know that I still love you" she whispers before pulling back. She walks away before I have the chance to look up at her, for which I'm grateful.

I huff to myself, thinking about how much I wish I could still feel the same for her. It'd be easier.

I take Deborah's place with the baby and she holds my finger with little force. She can feel no pain, we've taken care of that but life is slowly slipping away from her. So, I stay and let her hold my finger until she can't anymore.

The baby girl passes away at 5:37 am.

I finally get to Rachel's room knowing that her friends have rounds this morning. I lean on the doorframe and watch her sleep for a moment.

Guilt washes over me and I don't know where it's coming from at all. All that I know is that I'm not willing to leave this woman and I'll do everything in my power to fight for her.

She opens her eyes slowly and looks at me. I grab a chair and pull it close to her bed before taking her hand in mine delicately. She seems fine, tired but fine.

"Rachel…"

"My chart" she points and I get up to get it but when I hand it to her she pushes it towards me.

"Read it" she clears her throat and I search for water around me. I put a straw in a cup before handing it to her.

I don't let go of her hand as I read her chart and she doesn't push me away either. Deborah didn't operate and surgery wasn't necessary but Rachel is exhausted. Exhaustion isn't uncommon in interns but how far she's let it go, it's a different story. I wonder if our situation had anything to do with it.

"Rachel, for how long have you been…"

"Please, don't say anything" she asks and I nod. She's a doctor, she knows everything there is to know about this.

"I'm just exhausted" she says after a minute and I chuckle.

"I can see that"

"My dad is exhausting and he's travelling here right now. And you" she looks at me through tired eyes. "Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever done."

I get closer to her, feeling guiltier than I ever did before and she cups my face and pulls me down until our lips are united and we're kissing. I rest my forehead against her and breathe in, relieved. How I've missed kissing her!

"I don't want to do it anymore"

"Then don't" I peck her lips again before the door bursts open and Dr. Jones walks inside followed by her interns.

I squeeze Rachel's hand before I walk out and let Jones continue with rounds. I'll take care of Rachel. I'll make sure that she is fine after this. That we are fine after all of this.

The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial. We deny that we're tired, we deny we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed and most importantly we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth that's right in front of our faces.

I feel like an intern all over again and Rachel has obviously jumped a few steps.

It's complicated. Everything is complicated, there is nothing simple about being married to a woman that I don't recognize anymore while falling for a younger woman that came out of nowhere at the same time.

"Everything will be fine. Deb will go back to New York and Rachel and I can start over again" the elevator doors close behind my back and I turn around to find Jones staring me down with an unimpressed look. "Everything will be fine, right?" I ask just as the doors slide open again and she takes a step out.

"You so damn stupid" she says smugly before the doors close up again.

Before I can find her, she finds me in the Cafeteria and smiles wide as she stops right in front of me.

"You're leaving, right? You're going back to New York?" the smile wipes off of her face.

"You know you'll have to forgive me eventually, right?" she asks insecurely. "I mean you can't just…" she falters and fishes for words before she faces me again. "I mean, there was a time when you thought of me as your best friend"

"There was a time I thought you were the love of my life" she swallows and tucks her hair back behind an ear. It's not love what she provokes in me anymore. It's nothing more than sympathy. "Things change."

She nods and as I take my ordered coffee she pulls out a folder from her purse and hands it to me. She doesn't say a word and I check the papers to realize that they're new divorce ones. I look back up.

"My lawyer got in contact with yours and they both agree that this is our best deal. We both walk away with what's only ours."

As if she'd have the right to walk with my money. I don't say it out loud but I hope my eyes are expressive enough.

"The ball's in your court. If you sign, I'll sign. I'll sign and be on the first plane out of here" she says dejectedly.

"I'll sign them immediately. I already did once, remember?"

She turns around fast and walks away but before she can make it to the door she comes back.

"Quinn, have you ever thought that even if I am Satan and an adulteress bitch that I still might be the love of your life?"

"I have" her eyes widen but it's me the one who's walking towards the doors now. "And you're not."

I don't turn around this time and leave the Cafeteria with the papers safely tucked under my arm. I check on my post-op patients before I head to the OR.

Today my patient is a teenage boy who's been coughing blood for the entire night before his mom brought him in. This kid's lungs are terribly damaged because of smoking and he's only fifteen years old. He already has a death sentence and his life hasn't even started yet.

When I finish my surgery is already two o'clock in the afternoon and I hit the showers in order to keep myself awake before I make my way to Rachel's room.

Only Santana is in there this time and she whispers something in Rachel's ear before she leaves us alone.

"How're you doing?" I ask her through a yawn.

"Good" she says back before stretching her hand. "You look tired" she runs her finger on the back of my hand as I sit on the edge of her bed, glad that she's no longer hostile towards me.

"I was here all night. Stayed holding a baby girl's hand" I yawn again and smile apologetically.

"Did she make it?" I shake my head in the negative and she pulls me until I'm laying by her side. I sneak my arm under her head and snuggle close to her.

"It feels so good to be like this" I whisper against her hair before I kiss the side of her head and she intertwines our fingers together on top of the sheets.

"I'm sorry about the baby" she says snuggling under my chin.

"S'okay" I tell her sleepily.

…

"Quinn. Quinn"

"What?" I open my eyes to find Rachel's eyes looking amusedly at me. Her hair is a bit of a mess but the lack of makeup makes her look more perfect, if that's even possible.

"Slept well?" she asks with a soft smile tugging at her lips and I kiss the tip of her nose before burying my face in her hair on a side.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep. I was really tired" I apologize. "Did my pager go off?"

"No, nothing like that but Quinn" she pushes gently with a hand on my shoulder and I finally open my eyes to look at her. Only now is that I notice the tall man standing by the door with an eyebrow raised and intimidating eyes staring at me.

I immediately jump out of bed remembering the description Rachel once gave me of her dad and recognizing him instantly.

"Hi. Hello. Good afternoon" I smile at him as I run my hands on my hair and Rachel pulls at the end of my robe to get me closer.

"Come here" she says as she takes my hand again and her dad smirks as he sees our hands.

"You must be Quinn" he stretches out his hand and comes closer so I can shake it.

"Leroy Berry"

"Dr. Quinn Fabray. I'm sorry we had to meet like this, sir"

"No regrets, honey" he smiles lightly before Rachel pulls me down until I'm sat on the bed again. She rubs at the cheek I had fallen asleep on and then cups my face.

"Isn't she so cute when she's embarrassed?" Rachel asks her dad as I turn ten shades of red.

"Just as cute as she is married" her dad says and suddenly all the playfulness that was swimming in the air disappears.

"Daddy"

"No, it's okay" I stop Rachel and smile at her. If I were her dad I'd be just as pissed that my daughter's girlfriend ended up being married. Not that I even knew I still was, anyway.

I meet his stare and intertwine my fingers with Rachel's. I'll do anything it takes to be with this woman, even stand and listen to her father's rage.

"I'm a little surprised you're here since your wife is walking down these same hallways" he says with a fake smile adorning his plump lips.

"Daddy"

"My daughter and I have a zero tolerance for secrets. I tell her everything and she reciprocates the sentiment" his eyes squint just enough to let me know that he knows absolutely everything about my relationship with Rachel.

"I can see how that's been a huge mistake now" Rachel says trying to sit up.

"No, baby" I push her shoulders lightly until she's on her back again. "Don't sit up" I look into her eyes and I squeeze her hand. "I'm fine. We're fine." I assure her.

"Isn't that a little rich of you to say?" he asks but I don't answer. It'll only fuel him to start a fight which I'm not willing to have here. "Considering you're married and your wife had to show up here for Rachel to know about it? How much longer were you planning to lead my daughter on before you had your pretty wife showing up here to end it for you?"

"That's enough!" Rachel screams. "I didn't tell you all of this so you can come here and attack Quinn"

"Rachel, it's okay"

"No, it's not" she shakes her head and lets go of my hand to look at her dad. "It's not."

Suddenly Santana and Marley appear on the door step. Santana eyes me suspiciously when Rachel's eyes are glued to the wall on her right but remains quiet.

"I need to do a checkup" she says as my pager goes off.

"Rachel, I'll be right back" I tell her but she only nods distractedly and on my way out her father blocks me.

"This isn't over"

"I never thought it was."

I run down to the ER as fast as I can. Anderson meets me and it takes me a second to realize that he's covered in blood. "What happened?" I ask as Sugar helps me with globes.

"I… he…"

"Anderson!" his eyes snap up to mine and he swallows.

"I..."

I run the blind to find the patient flat-lining. We start CPR as another nurse informs me that this man had had a heart attack in his home before his son brought him in. When Anderson was checking on him he spitted blood all over him. His stomach was compromised somehow and the pressure is what might have caused the heart attack in the first place.

"Push another one of epi and charge to 300" I shock him one more time but there aren't any changes. I start CPR on my own but after ten minutes I have no result. I look around me and everyone gives me the same look.

I will never not hate this part. The part where I'm the responsible one for the decision, when everyone looks at me to say the words.

I stop and take off the globes before looking at the clock. "Time of death 5:42 pm."

Anderson is standing right behind me when I turn around and even though he looks scared out of his mind I don't say a single word to him and leave the ER. When he shakes out of it, he'll come find me and maybe then I'll be in the right state of mind to talk to him.

I see Dr. Pierce talking to Deborah a few feet ahead of me as they wait for the elevator and I take the stairs instead. I'm not surprised to see that she's made good friends with everyone around here. She always had the power to make everyone like her, even me.

I check on my patients and update charts before I head back to Rachel's room. I don't see her father anywhere but she's looking so distant is almost off-putting.

"I heard she has a new case" is the first thing to come out of her mouth when she sees me. "She isn't leaving, is she? Is this ever going to end?" it scares me the way she speaks now. Is as if she were disconnected. As if this has damaged her to the point where she's now numb and unwilling to feel.

"She's leaving…"

"You left that here" she points to the folder Deborah gave me this morning. I walk closer towards her bed and sit on the edge with care not to touch her for the moment.

"Those are divorce papers. She gave them to me, she filed again" for a moment she just stares, showing no emotion whatsoever.

"That's a good thing, right?"

"It is, all I have to do is sign and I'm free for real this time. We're free" I reach out to take her hand but she doesn't let me.

"Is there anything to think about?"

"No, of course not. I just have to read through them, sign and then Deb will be out of here in the first plane back to New York"

"I think we could use some privacy right now" I turn around at hearing her father's voice and stand up from the bed. I don't understand how he can be this invasive and think it's alright?

"Rachel" I call but she's no longer looking at me. "You really need to start worrying about your own problems" I spit out, angrier than I thought I was, to her father.

"Whatever problem my daughter is having is _my_ problem."

I don't answer back and keep walking instead. They always told me I'm good at walking away, not that I'm proud of it but I want to avoid having problems with Rachel's father, well, more problems. I've already made such a terrible first impression even before I even knew the man.

With the folder in my hands I get inside the elevator and find Lopez, who is currently working with Deborah and who is more than pleased to tell me about her new patient here.

I admire her for being so professional in the confines of these four walls, because I'm sure she'd have ripped me a new one if I wasn't her boss. Rachel and her' friendship really goes beyond my comprehension.

With boiling rage about everything after my chat with Santana, I find Jones in the lounge reviewing some papers and I can feel myself losing it even before I open up my mouth.

"Fine doctors I see" her eyes snap up to me, confused. "Out of all the Doctors that we have here you go and accept a consult from Deborah Fabray?!"

"Harrington Fabray unit?" unit? Unit?! As in she already has a unit here?

"I know you don't like me, Jones. I know you have issues with my relationship with Rachel but Deborah should be on her way home right now! You're just trying to drive me crazy here, aren't you?"

As I try my best to control my anger she just laughs as she takes a step closer to me and I realize that I shouldn't be angry, I should be scared of the look on her face. Too little too late though.

"Wait, don't…" I raise my hands in the air in surrender.

"You think this has something to do with you?" she yells, obviously upset and I groan softly. I deserve whatever is coming. I brought this on myself. "You think I'm even thinking about you and your romantic problems? I'm trying to help a patient very near and dear to my heart and Dr. Harrington Fabray happens to be the best in her field. So, if consulting your wife – your ex – your mistress whatever it is that she becomes, if that's the thing I have to do to save my patient then I'm damn well going to do it!"

"I get it. I do… and I deserved that. It's just – Jones, please just…"

"You have put yourself between two very fine women and you're just looking for an easy way out of this mess"

"No, that's not…"

"You too stressed out because two women want you now? Need a punching bag to take it all out? Well, I'll tell you one thing" I take a step back as she comes closer waiving a finger in the air with attitude. "I ain't no one's punching bag!"

"I'm sorry, I…"

"Dzzz" she zips my mouth with two fingers and I fall silent. "You ain't coming to me to whine about your problems from now on, you ain't coming to me when you need to yell at someone, you ain't coming to me because I don't care!"

She leaves, slamming the door behind her back and waving her hair in the air. Without giving it too much thought at how bad I deserved that, I sit down and open up the folder with the divorce papers.

Before we got married we both already had a few things of our own. I bought the little apartment we moved in after college was over and kept it, and she bought her brother's condo in Tribeca a year later. We are staying with those but all the properties that we got when we were married are going on sale and the money will be split in half. It's a very civil deal to make, very businesslike.

I stare at my name at the end of the page and hers to the right.

I sign and flip the page to keep signing until there are no more blank lines with my name underneath.

I stare at the papers once I'm done and throw the pen to the other side of the room with force. It hits something and I hear it hit the ground after but the room is still crazily quiet. Signing these papers nine months ago was way easier because I was angry, I hated her, I hated everything. But now I no longer hold the same sentiment. I'm not angry at the situation anymore. I've had time to think and cool off. I've had time to look at the big picture. I've had time to move on. I've seen what I can have and I've taken it, and now I'm not willing to let that go.

I go to the locker room and leave the signed papers in Deborah's before I'm paged. I can't help to feel like I'm losing something that I'll never get back again. It hurts to know that we couldn't make it.

Once outside of the locker room I take a second look to my pager and start running down the hallway when I see that I'm being called to Rachel's room.

With every step that I take I send a new prayer up above and all I'm asking is that please, please let her be okay. Let her be alive and alright. Let her stay here. Let her stay, please.

As I round a corner I almost collide with Santana as she comes running as well and with one look at each other we both spring down the hall again, faster than before.

"Get him out of here!" I hear Rachel's voice scream but when we finally make it to her room Blaine is just pulling out a needle from her arm as her father is being held just outside of the room by Puckerman, and Dr. Rose stares in shock.

"What happened?" I ask as Santana grabs at the collar of Puckerman and I immediately run by Rachel's side.

"What the hell did you do, Puckerman?" Santana spits out somewhere behind me but I'm too concerned to even look back. It's obvious that they sedated her as she slowly starts to fall sleep, her heavy eyelids barely flutter open to see me but then she's gone.

"Someone speaks right now!" I look at every person in the room but no one speaks.

"I don't know" Marley finally says and then her eyes fall on Leroy.

"What happened?" I ask him but he doesn't answer my question and sprints out of the room instead. My eyes fall on Puckerman and I beg him to please speak now.

"They were arguing" he says. "I heard yelling and came to check. Her father was being a dick or something and then she started to sob, loud and there was nothing I could say to make it stop, so I paged all of you. We tried to touch her but she only shied away. It was like she was having some sort of attack or something. The crying was never ending and then she asked me to get him out and I tried but he wasn't listening and I had to push him and that's when Blaine and Marley finally sedated her because I swear she was going to dehydrate."

I believe every word that he just said and I squeeze his shoulder before grabbing Rachel's chart. She can't have this kind of stress. She is in this bed because of exhaustion for Christ sake! She's supposed to be relaxing here!

"Thank you" I say to all of them but Marley looks ready to kill me and she doesn't need to say it because I know what Rachel and her father was arguing about. I know.

"I'll keep her father out of here" Puckerman offers and I nod. "Or I'll try at least"

"I'm on call, so I'll be checking on her every hour" Blaine says.

"I'll stay here with her, there's no need but thank you" I tell him.

"I'll still be checking on her" he deadpans and I nod again.

"I'll stay too" Santana and Marley say at the same time and I'm forced to meet their stare.

"Look, I know that either one of you is my biggest fan right now" they all huff, each one of them. I take a deep breath and stand as tall as I can. "I love this woman and I know how much you love her as well and how much she loves you in return, and that's the only reason why I'm telling you this. Rachel was never a game to me and I already signed divorce papers tonight."

Marley looks away, Santana nods and a little smirks tugs at her lips. Blaine purses his lips and turns around and Puckerman gives me a thumbs up but they all stay silent.

"That's all I'm ever going to say to you about my relationship with Rachel."

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the damn bursts all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn't change the truth. Fighting for what we love changes everything.

Eventually her father returns to the room and he sits on the couch in front of me. I don't look away from his eyes and even if he intimidates me, he won't be able to keep me away from Rachel.

When she starts to stir I immediately get up and closer, only to have him standing up as well and placing his heavy hand on my shoulder.

"She doesn't want to be touched" his voice isn't harsh but I don't look up from the beautiful chocolate eyes that are just meeting me.

"Hi" I say softly as silent tears start streaming down the side of her face. "Rachel"

"Just give her some space" her father says as I take off my robe without looking away from her pleading eyes.

"It's okay" I say as she whimpers softly before I finally get in bed and under the covers with her. She only cries harder when I wrap my arms around her and pull her close to my chest. "It's okay. Everything is alright now."

I kiss her forehead and whisper reassuring words until she falls back sleep and her father leaves the room.

Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face whatever we've built for ourselves. I've chosen Rachel tonight and for the rest of my nights, and I'll defend this decision to whoever and whatever gets in our way.

…


	13. Pain (part 2)

**Pain (part 2)**

Pain comes in all forms. The small tinge. A bit of soreness. The random pain. The normal pains we live with every day. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out anything else. Makes the rest of the world fade away. Until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain: we anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it or ignore it. And for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

When I signed the papers I never thought it will hurt to have done so two days later. But the pain walks with me, eats with me, showers, sleeps, breathes and does everything with me. It doesn't leave me alone at all.

When I told Rachel that I've signed the papers I thought that everything would be okay, I thought that things would go right back to the way they were before Deborah showed up here with regretful eyes and asking me to love her again. I thought that I was fine with it but in reality I need time to get there again.

Taking Rachel's bag from the back seat of my car I open up the door for her and help her out. She was discharged an hour ago and has to stay in bed for the next week. Exhaustion isn't something to take lightly and she seems to understand it. We walk up to her room in silence and once there, she gets under the covers immediately.

She's distant. I'm distant. We're in a weird place and I don't know how to ignore the pain in order to make things right.

So I take her bag to the laundry room and load the machine before cooking dinner alone.

I moved on and I thought I had forgotten, I thought I wasn't hurting anymore. But all those thoughts were just that, thoughts. Being here has been easy and hating someone from a distance isn't brave. Running from your problems isn't difficult, the difficult part is to face them. Seeing Deborah here, listen to her and facing what actually happened to our marriage has been the most difficult thing that I've ever had to do and I'm just realizing it.

And signing those papers was… heartbreaking.

When Rachel comes down we eat in silence until Blaine and Marley walk in laughing and joking about the rain. Marley kisses Rachel's head and rubs her arms and silently I feel jealous for a second before feeling completely stupid. There is no reason to be jealous.

I retire upstairs and take a long shower before walking out and finding her waiting for me.

"I tend to be pushy" she says as I dry my hair with the towel. "Did I push you to sign those papers?"

"No, you didn't" I'm not looking at her as I go back inside the in suite and dispose of the towel.

"It feels like I did" she says when I walk out and take the drier. I don't answer and I turn on the machine, silencing anything that she wants to say and my own thoughts.

I don't really want to talk about it. I don't like to talk when I feel like this. I need time to process, I need peace to push through it. I'm not the talking type and I should probably tell her that. But I don't want to talk.

"I don't know if I want to do this if you're going to keep blaming me for it."

I comb my hair in front of the mirror slowly before turning to meet her eyes.

"I don't want to force you to be here" I chuckle at hearing her say that and crawl on the mattress and then lay beside her, although she's seated.

"I just drove us here, made you dinner, showered in your bathroom, used your towel and now I'm lying in your bed. How exactly did you force me to do all of that? I want to be here."

She looks away but I pull her to lay with me. I take her hand and she plays with my fingers in the air. She runs the tip of hers in my long fingers, one by one. She measures our hands and I smile at seeing how small and cute hers are. And then I intertwine her fingers with mine and it feels _right_. I can feel this touch in my chest, like I'm connected to her and I know that I made the right decision but I still don't want to talk about it yet.

"Santana might be coming tonight"

"Is everything alright?" and as she goes on to tell me about Dr. Pierce and Santana's romantic problems I think to myself of how much I love her for doing this, for straying the attention of my behavior away. Like she knows what I need without really knowing. And I just… I love her.

Santana comes at one in the morning and with tears streaming down her face and in her pajamas she gets on Rachel's side of the bed and falls silent in her arms while I stare at the ceiling.

As my girlfriend shushes her best friend to sleep all I can think of is how freakily close they really are and how I'm now a part of this. They are like sisters in so many ways and Santana is already family in many others.

…

When the alarm goes off the first thing I notice is that Rachel isn't in my arms but in our _guest's_. Sneaking my arm between them I roll my girlfriend around and smile as she hugs me tight. Santana's head picks up and she sleepily glares at me.

"Didn't peg you for the cuddly type" I smirk and she rubs her face before rolling her eyes at me.

"Don't go stealing my heat source"

"You stole it first"

"I'm sad. I need my cuddly time"

"Go hug Marley or Blaine. They must be cold in their cold beds"

"Stop it you two" Rachel says as she untangles herself from me but Santana and I continue to stare at each other. I'm not really mad that Rachel was hugging her, I know it's completely platonic but I've never backed down from a staring contest before and I'm not about to start.

"Don't you have to go to work?"

Just as Rachel asks this my pager goes off and Santana's soon follows. We jump out of the bed at the same time and run in different directions to get ready. 911 means something big happened and there's no time to lose.

"I feel great already, are you sure…?"

"I'm sure" I cut her off as I grab my purse and my car keys from her nightstand. "You need to stay right here and do nothing all day" I kiss her forehead as she rolls her eyes.

"I'm an intern. That's like asking a normal person not to breathe" she stomps her foot on the ground, making my heart ache at the adorableness.

"You get to stay in a warm bed all day. Don't complain" I peck her lips this time as her face grows serious.

"Maybe we'll talk when you get back?" I kiss her again without answering and leave the room. I have to wait for Santana in my car and when she comes out she doesn't looks at me before getting in my car as well.

I drive in silence for three minutes, three long minutes before she finally turns off the radio and turns in the passenger seat to have a clear view of the side of my face.

"Are you having second thoughts?" she asks just as I stop at a red light.

"No"

"I think you are. _She _thinks you are" I look at her now and frown.

"I'm not having second thoughts, Santana. I love Rachel and I'm sure about the decision I made"

"Then why are you acting like this?" she asks exaspertadely. We're close to the Hospital now, sirens can be heard all around.

"I just got divorced. I'm processing. Forgive me if I'm not jumping up and down!"

She doesn't say another word and gets out of the car as soon as I park it. I instantly feel bad for snapping at her. She wasn't trying to blame me, she wasn't judging, she was simply trying to talk and I exploded.

I change as fast as I can when I'm told that Puckerman and Santana are bringing up a GSW and walking to the board I notice that every OR is occupied. My name is already up there even though I haven't had the chance to even read the patient's chart.

"Dr. Fabray" I look to my right and smile.

"Dr. Jones. Good morning" she purses her lips but I can tell that she's not really annoyed.

"Busy day"

"Puckerman and Lopez are bringing up a GSW. Wanna scrub in?" I follow her down the hallway but she shakes her head.

"No can do. No extra work today for me. I'm trying to get out of here at a decent hour tonight"

"You got a hot date?" I smile and she meets my eyes standing as tall as she can.

"Yes. Yes, I do. A handsome man is whisking me away to a love nest for the weekend" she sarcastically replies and I raise my hands in submission as she rolls her eyes and walks away.

"Fabray!" I turn back around and see the Chief walking towards me with Deborah.

"Good morning, Chief" I keep my eyes on Dr. Thomas but I can't ignore the way Deborah's eyes are glued on me.

"Lighting hit a sub-station. We're running on back-up generators. One of them is down" he's concerned and understandably so.

"Which one is that?" I sink my hands even deeper in my pockets as Deborah keeps staring at me. She must have found the papers already but we haven't had time to talk yet. I haven't left Rachel's room since I signed them and this is the first day I'm officially back at work.

"The only direct means of transporting from the ER to the OR isn't working" now he's pissed but as Deborah takes a step towards me I turn around and don't provide an answer for either one of them.

I'm paged 911 to the second floor and I run down the stairs only to find out that Puckerman and Santana are trapped in an elevator between floors with my patient in it.

"Get them out" I tell the security guards and they drop to the ground to force the doors open but they only budge a few inches.

"How bad is it?" the Chief asks appearing behind me and Deborah is still by his side. They must have run here like I did.

"Two interns and a GSW to the chest" he rubs his temples, obviously trying to control a headache.

"Breathe, Victor" Deborah says and we both fix her with a glare. My patient could die at any moment and the Chief is worrying about several patients. No one can breathe easily right now.

"Come on, people, get those doors open" he encourages the guards but after a couple of more inches the doors simply stop moving all together.

"It's jammed" one of the guards says from the floor before standing up. Dr. Jones is here now and as she yells at the guards I lay on the ground. It's only open about twenty centimeters wide but I can see the interns inside.

"What on earth did you two do?" Jones barks out the question before I can even open my mouth. When did she get here?

"Nothing!" Puckerman and Santana say at the same time. I give Dr. Jones a look before she grants me some space.

"How is the patient?" I ask.

"He's not looking so good" Santana says worriedly. I can see fear in her eyes but also determination. The patient is barely conscious at this point.

"Are you okay?" I ask looking into her eyes.

"Yes" she nods. "Whatever it takes" I believe her. She won't break and I believe her.

"What about you Puckerman?"

"You know me, Doc" he smirks as I take a deep breath. He won't break either. This guy is in good hands and Puckerman has been my guy for the last few months. He's in good hands but I still need to get him out of there and into an OR as soon as possible.

The patient suddenly begins to move, trying to get out of the gurney.

"I have to get home" he says.

"Don't let him move!" I order but his eyes are lost. He's delirious.

"Pete, you're in a Hospital" Noah tries to calm him down.

"It's gonna be alright, Pete. Lay down" Santana's voice seems to get him to focus and he lies down again without taking his tired eyes off of her.

"What's his blood pressure?" I ask her. "Keep talking to him"

"It's not reading. He's too agitated. What do I say?"

"What about his pulse?" Puckerman checks quickly.

"Steady and there. It's still there."

"Do you have any instruments? Just keep him calm, Dr. Lopez"

"Uh, just a code box and some gloves" Puckerman shrugs and I glare at him.

"You've been working with me for how long now? And you didn't think to bring an open chest tray?"

"I thought…"

"I don't want to hear your excuses" I cut him off before looking at Santana.

"Tell me about his blood pressure before you moved him"

"I've taken it 3 times…"

"And?"

"And I can't hear systolic over fifty" suddenly Pete starts wheezing and talking nonsense. "He's gonna die, isn't he?"

We won't be able to get him out in time and even though I don't want to admit it, Pete may die if we do nothing in there.

"Okay" they both look at me with wide eyes. They're getting scared and understandably so. "Intubate him. I'll be right back"

"Wait!" I kneel on the floor again as Santana comes closer. "Where are you going?" I meet her scared eyes and I nod at her.

"I'm gonna get an instrument tray. You guys are going to have to open up his chest. You can do this" I tell her and she nods confusedly before I finally stand up.

"You sure about this?" Jones asks.

"No" I say before I run down the hallway. I'm not sure about this but they are the only hands I have around my patient and we have to do something instead of standing still and watch him die.

"I heard you have a guy stuck in an elevator" Dr. Pierce says as I grab the tray and throw all the things that I can on top of it.

"Not just a guy. He's got two interns with him" I meet her stare and she understands before I tell her anything.

"Santana" she says and I nod.

"And Puckerman."

She helps me with the things that I can't carry and we both start to go back.

"They're doing all they can to replace the back-up generator now. The fire department is trying but it looks like it might take a while" she informs me.

"What about incoming traumas?"

"Re-routed to Mercy West"

"I don't understand how something like this can happen. Last time I checked maintenance money wasn't missing around here"

"It isn't" she huffs "the money just went someplace else."

I shake my head and pick up my pace. There are nurses all around the elevator, as if my interns needed the audience.

"Get them away" I tell Jones as I lie down again. They've intubated Pete and now he's no longer conscious.

"Hey" they look at me with the same scared look on the faces. "This isn't gonna be too sterile but we can still try" they nod as I pull my tray closer. "Prep and drape the patient."

As I hand Puckerman gowns and effects, Dr. Pierce has laid down and is whispering something only for Santana to hear. Whatever she's saying seems to be calming her down though and as I place the gown in Santana's hands she gives me a nod. She won't break. I just know it.

Pierce and I watch them dress and sterilize themselves as best as they can under the circumstances. Santana then removes the bloody bandage covering Pete's GSW and starts prepping him before Puckerman hands her ventilation.

When Dr. Pierce's pager goes off she leaves after squeezing my shoulder. The nurses have gone back to work and the Chief left in order to hurry the fire department.

Puckerman has started sweating and is visibly nervous while Santana is taking deep breaths and staring solely at me.

"Okay, I need you both to stay focus and do not alarm, okay?"

"Okay" Santana answers quickly as Puckerman nods. He's seen me done this before, he can do this.

"Here" I try to hand him the scissors and scalpel but he's not looking up. "Take these" but he's not looking at me. He's still as a rock. I sigh and stretch my hand out farther towards him. "Puckerman, take the scalpel" he's frozen and I can't understand why. But when he looks away from the scalpel I'm holding I set my jaw and focus on remaining calm. He won't reach out.

"Ventilate!" Santana pushes the equipment to him and at least he's able to do that before she takes the scalpel from my hand.

"Got it. What do I do?" she asks as I finally turn to look at her. I can't believe Puckerman is completely paralyzed.

"Make a large anterior lateral, mid- auxiliary incision in the fifth intercostal space" she nods eagerly but then she looks back up.

"How-how large?" she stutters.

"As long as possible, Dr. Lopez. You need to get two hands in there. It needs to be long and deep. Use the scissors if you have to."

Puckerman is now holding a flashlight for her while still ventilating. When he looks up at me I hold his stare for two seconds before looking away. He froze and he's not even alone.

"Okay" she says, nodding as she looks at me. I nod once and she grips the scalpel.

"Be sure you don't cut into the lower of the heart" I tell her.

"And how can I be sure of that?"

"You just have to be sure" I tell her and before she freaks out Dr. Pierce has appeared by my side again.

"You can do this" she calmly says and I look at Santana as she becomes entranced by Brittany and when she nods I know that she believes her, she trusts her.

And her first incision turns out to be good, not great but good.

"Can you see anything?" I hear someone ask behind me.

"Poor Santana, when she gets nervous she doesn't have the steadiest hands" Pierce and I look back simultaneously and find an intern whose name I can't remember there.

"She can hear you!" we say in unison before he scurries off fast.

"How you doing in there, San?" I ask as she changes the scalpel to scissors. She doesn't look up but continues working.

"Fire department is here, Dr. Fabray. The doors are coming open" Dr. Jones announces but without standing up I look at her in the eye.

"Nobody moves. Nobody works on the elevator. Nobody touches my interns in there. I have an open chest. Keep them back until I give the word."

Dr. Jones nods and turns back to talk to the firemen as Pierce takes a deep breath.

"Lopez?" I call her and she jumps back, smiling and bloody hands showing.

"I didn't cut the heart or the lungs. Quinn! I didn't cut the heart or the lungs!" her smile in blinding.

"Good, good! That's really good, Santana" I smile softly at her. This is far from over though. "Now check for injuries and do a pericardiotomy" she looks at Pete and frowns as she concentrates before looking back up.

"I'll need some lap pads, forceps, metzenbaums and satinsky clamps."

This time I don't hold back my impressed smile as I meet her stare. "Yes, you will."

I hand her the equipment as Dr. Pierce's pager goes off again. She gives one more encouraging smile to her girlfriend and leaves.

Yesterday, Santana didn't want to hear from Brittany but they're overcoming and if this elevator getting stuck was the key to do that then I'm sure that for them, it's worth it.

We continue working and Santana does what I say perfectly. She has cardio running through her veins as much as neuro.

"I've removed the small clot form the pericardium" she tells me. "No obvious cardiac injuries"

"Any change in the vitals?"

"BP's still too low to register on the monitor" Puckerman speaks.

"Ok, we need to cross clamp the aorta" I inform them before grabbing a clamp from the tray and hand it to Santana. "Stick your hand in and bluntly dissect down until you feel two tube like structures. The esophagus will be more medial and anterior."

She nods and sticks her hands in the open chest. She can do this, she can safe this man's life.

"I feel one tube" she says as I hold my breath. "it's easily collapsible and the other is more muscular and spongy. I can… mmm… I feel the spine just underneath it."

I smile at her proudly. "You're touching the aorta, San"

"Heard that?" she asks Noah, a wide smile adorning her lips. "I'm touching the aorta" she brags.

"Focus. Wrap the index finger of your left hand around it and apply a satinsky clam with your right hand" I watch her insert the clamp and move it carefully.

"Got it…" she frowns and moves her wrists a bit as I watch intently. "I think I can localize the bleeding. I think it's coming from the inferior vena cava"

"Can you find the lesion?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I can feel… it's too far in to repair"

"How big is it?"

"Small. Maybe smaller than a dime" I breathe in relief.

"Okay, Santana. I want you to take your finger and plug the hole" I observe as she fiddles softly.

"I think I can feel his heart starting to fill more. It's beating a little stronger"

"Excellent" I smile. "Keep your finger there, alright?"

"Okay, now what?" she eagerly asks.

"That's it, Dr. Lopez"

"That's it?" she asks confusedly as I lie on my back breathing more easily. "Until we can get you out of that elevator and into an OR" I stand up with the help of Dr. Jones and she smirks proudly. "Dr. Jones, tell the fire department to get my interns out of there"

"Yes, Dr. Fabray" she smiles fuller now before turning back. "Okay, we're ready folks."

I scrunch down again. "Dr. Lopez?" she looks up breathless and humble.

"Yes, Dr. Fabray?"

"You just flew solo, great job"

"Thank you, Dr. Fabray."

I turn around to find Dr. Anderson and Dr. Rose also scrunching down to take a peek. "Way to go, Santana!" Dr. Rose cheers.

"I have my finger in a heart" I hear Santana reply and even though I'm not seeing her face right now, I know that she's smiling.

"Very cool" Blaine and Marley laugh as I move away.

It doesn't take long for the firemen to pull Santana and Noah out of there and we all quickly move to the OR where I perfect Santana's amazing work. Puckerman leaves before anyone else does and I know that he is embarrassed by what happened but I also know that he should be.

Pete is a police officer and Santana receives all the hugs and thank yous from his friends and family, and she rightfully deserves it.

When I'm in my car at night and start driving off, it takes me a while but then I finally realize that I'm driving to Rachel's house. It's her house the one that pops in my head when I think of home, not the house I'm renting, nor the house I left in Manhattan, not even my childhood house that my mother still lives in.

She's in the kitchen, wearing an apron and singing softly as she drinks water from a glass. I smile and close the door a little hard to announce my arrival. She turns around smiling and takes my purse before helping me with my coat.

"I love you" I blurt out and she stops moving. "I love you, Rachel" she leaves my purse in a couch and smiles, shyly tucking her hair behind an ear.

"Do you mean that?"

"Don't be insecure" I say getting close to her and taking her hands. I kiss her blushing cheeks. "I love you and I don't ever want you to question that. I don't ever want you to feel insecure about my feelings for you because I love you like I've never loved before and I'm sure of that. I love you."

"I love you too" she cries as a smile tugs at her lips. "I love you so much" she wraps her arms around my neck and I carry her in her arms, but only to spin her around until she giggles.

Pain. Sometimes we just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope that the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. When we think with pain we just breathe and wait for it to subside. Most of the pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets to you when you least expect it. It's way below the belt and doesn't let up. And sometimes you _can_ do what's best for you and help yourself out by fighting that pain with all you've got.

As I look into her eyes I know that I have nothing to feel bad about. Not when she can make me feel like I can conquer the world if I'm holding her hand, if I have her by my side I can do anything.

…


	14. Deeper

**Deeper**

When I wake up and snuggle close to the body next to me I smile and breathe in their perfume before I open up my eyes. The sun hasn't come up yet, everyone is asleep.

I kiss under Rachel's ear as I caress the skin of her abdomen with the tip of my fingers. She hums softly as her hips buck backwards and against mine. I begin kissing a path from her neck up to her mouth as I roll her around and hover over her. She responds to my kiss immediately and wraps her arms around my neck as I maneuver her legs open and settle between them.

I caress her tongue with mine before biting her bottom lip as I pull back to look into her beautiful dark eyes. We don't speak and as I thrust my hips downwards she scratches my shoulders and arms without breaking eye contact.

There is something so uniquely sexy about her in this moment that it becomes impossible to look away and as she wraps one leg around my waist and moves the other between mine I kiss her deeply, languidly and roughly. She moans and her nails dig deeper into my skin but instead of hurting me, it alights something within me and I know that we made love last night until we fell asleep but I can't get enough of her.

She groans in my ear as I sneak my hands between the sheets and her back until I'm cupping her asscheeks fully. I thrust faster and squeeze the skin in my hands, making her cry out in pleasure and a little bit of pain.

I suck and bite the sensitive skin of her neck and moan at the feeling of her nipples rubbing against my own. God! How I love her skin and how soft it feels sliding against me. How could I ever get enough of her? It seem impossible.

When she bites my neck and runs her nails on my sides I come apart right here, between her arms and legs. So I move down, kissing all over her and leaving the warmth of her body until I'm kissing her inner thighs. She hooks her legs on my shoulders as I lick up her slit. But there is nothing slow or soft about this, I'm too worked up and she's too impatient for that.

Using my fingers I get exactly where I want to be and I suck hard on it as she throws her head back and arches her back on the mattress. She's being loud and a roar erupts from my throat at the sounds she's making. I don't care who can hear her, I just want her to come and to not hold back when she does.

So as I suck harder and slip two fingers deep inside of her. I would have smirked at the deep moan that ripped through her mouth had my own hadn't been busy but I settle for thrusting and sucking as fast and as hard as I can and only slow down when she's screaming my name at the top of her lungs.

She trembles when I pull out my fingers and I kiss her softly as we both smile lazily now. "Good morning" I whisper against her lips. The sun has is out now.

"In deed" she kisses me again as I get between her legs with no intention other than to feel closer to her.

"911!" Marley yells outside of the door before slapping it hard. "I understand if you didn't hear your pagers but there is a 911 in the Hospital and Rachel's car is in the shop again and we need a ride."

"All in one breath" I peck my girlfriend's lips again before reaching out to take a look at my pager and pass Rachel's to her.

"She was right" she mumbles before jumping out of the bed. I hum back as I follow her to the shower. Today's her first day back at work.

After the fastest showers in history Rachel and I come down the stairs only to come face to face with her friends who look less than amused to see our smiling expressions.

"Is everything alright?" Rachel asks, obvlious to their attitude. 0

"Oh, I don't know" Marley sarcastically replies as Blaine tries to calm her down.

"Marley" he calls as I chuckle back a laugh.

"We'll try to keep it down" I tell her before pulling Rachel out of the front door.

"Were we that loud again?" Rachel asks as I unlock my car and peck her lips.

"No baby" I turn on the car as Marley and Blaine finally leave the house. "You were"

"I hate you" she mumbles as I laugh.

"No, you don't"

"At this particular moment, I do."

…

In general, people can be categorized in one of two ways. Those who love surprises and those who don't. I don't, and I've never met a surgeon that enjoys a surprise. As surgeons we like to be in the know. We have to be in the know because if we aren't people die and law suits happen.

Anyway, I like to be in the know because if I'm not, I'm off my game and unprepared. Whoever said _what you don't know can't hurt you_ was a complete moron.

We stare as two people from the wreck are sitting on a gurney together with a metal pole sticking through their abdomens. They are smiling and facing each other, from a distance it could be seen as two people hugging one another. They smile because they don't know what this means and they should be scared but they're not.

"Dr. Fabray, you coming?" Dr. Thomas asks as I finally blink and the blond girl on the gurney smiles at me.

"Yes, of course."

Once I'm changed and outside the trauma room I still can't shake out of the shock. There is no explanation why these two people can still be smiling and talking when there is a pole ripping through both of them. Literally.

"Have you ever…?"

"Never" I answer even before Dr. Jones finishes her question.

"Do you think they stand a chance?"

"That's what we're here to find out" she nods as a paramedic approaches us.

"His BP is looking steady at 90 over pal. She's had two hypotensive episodes to the low seventies"

"You gonna get us on there?" I take the chart from her hands and start reading.

"We're not moving them"

"Good thinking."

The girl, Bonnie is only twenty five and she's as bubbly as Marley usually is, she's even cracking jokes inside the room. The man, Tom, a forty six social worker is also laughing with her and until I don't see scan and labs I won't be able to explain why are they still conscious.

They ought to believe that this is nothing serious, they're laughing after all, but there is no way that they'll both walk out of here alive.

"Can you believe this?" I turn to see Rachel putting on globes beside me. "How are they still conscious?"

"I don't know"

"This is bad, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Yes, it is."

We both enter the room and she goes to examine the patients as I stay with Dr. Jones and the paramedic that brought them in.

"Still no idea of where to start" Dr. Jones admits and I have to agree with her. There are a million things that can go wrong if we move them. Something can rupture, well, many things can rupture at this point.

"Is this the craziest thing you've seen?" Bonnie asks Rachel as my girlfriend checks her pulse.

"Uh… yeah" she admits with an apologetic smile.

"Yeah, me too" the patient smiles and I smile back at Rachel. She looks as shock as I imagine myself to look if I were in there.

Blaine and Puckerman have also gotten inside the room to assist. I still can't look at Puckerman in the eye after the elevator incident. I don't understand how he could have frozen in such a situation. If he had been the only intern in that elevator the patient would be dead by now and that it's something that I can't begin to understand. If he's having second thoughts about this, about being a surgeon, this would be the time to drop the towel and stop wasting our time. The point is, I don't trust him with my patients anymore.

"You got it from here?" the paramedic asks.

"Were you at the scene?" Dr. Jones beats me to ask.

"Won't be too bad for you" he nods. "Lots of carnage. Not a lot of survivors."

He leaves as I take a second look at Tom's chart. "They're never going to fit into a CT" I tell Jones as I search my mind. "We're going to have to fly blind. Get x-rays and labs and page me the minute you're done. We can't afford to lose time that they don't have."

"Excuse me!" I look up to find Bonnie's smiling face. It's obvious that she's concerned and wants to know what's going on.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Fabray" I smile and move inside the room to stand in front of her. "You shouldn't turn your head. You want to try and move as little as possible, okay?"

"Oh, okay. Sorry… so are you gonna pull this pole out of us anytime soon?" she smiles and Tom giggles with her.

"It's a touch uncomfortable" he adds and I have to smile because looking at them is unbelievable.

"I'm sorry, we can't until we get a better look on what's going on internally. But I assure you we will work as quickly as possible"

"Well, in that case does anybody have a breath mint?" Bonnie asks looking straight at Rachel and I laugh as Tom's eyes go wide.

"For me" she clarifies. "Not for you, your breath is fresh" they smile at each other and I realize that they are trying to be supportive. They're both going through a traumatizing experience but they are being solidary with one another. They're not smiling because they don't know what's going on, they're smiling because they want to believe that there's a way out of this.

"Get Lopez, please" I ask Dr. Jones who is quick to step outside and call Santana for me.

"You called, Dr. Fabray?"

"Get them an X-ray" Santana nods quickly. "Move them extremely carefully, Dr."

"Don't worry, Dr. Fabray" she smiles and gets right to work as I eye Rachel and walk out of trauma.

"Dr. Jones sent Noah to do sutures until he gets over his new found fear of scalpels" Rachel says as she walks with me.

"He's lucky he's still practicing"

"You're being mean" she accuses me and I huff in response.

"If Santana hadn't been in that elevator the patient would be dead"

"But she was and Noah freaked out, and the patient is okay. You need to stop punishing him"

"No, he needs to face the consequences of his mistakes. If he has to do sutures for the rest of the month to learn something, then he has to"

"What if it had been me?" she asks as I hold the door of the search room open for her.

"You'd have never frozen when someone needed your help" she looks away knowing that I'm right and lets her shoulders drop.

"I still think you're being mean" she says getting closer and wrapping her arms around my waist once the door is closed.

"When I knew he was in there with the patient I thought that everything was going to be alright. You know how much I taught him before he went and froze in there?"

"You're disappointed" she kisses my chin and I look away.

"Of course I'm disappointed. I don't like teaching and I took the time with him"

"And then he froze"

"And then he froze" I deadpan before pulling back from her arms and heading for a computer.

"You're a good teacher" she wraps her arms from behind around my neck and nuzzles me.

"That's what she said" I laugh and she slaps my shoulder softly before sitting next to me.

"You're taking the time with me" she observes after a few seconds.

"Because I love you and I want you to be great. Now help me with this."

I see her trying not to smile but failing completely. After an hour of reading about everything that can go wrong with Bonnie and Tom I close the internet tab and rest on the chair. Like I said, I don't like surprises and they are already full with them.

"Worst case scenario?" she asks as I feel her fingers playing with mine before my pager goes off.

"They both bleed out before we can do anything."

We head to the X-ray room where I take a seat in front of the computer to examine everything better. They are crushed. I don't know how they can still be talking and laughing, and conscious.

"Is it going straight through her spine?" Santana asks as I take a deep breath.

"It is. T8's completely crushed" Dr. Jones answer for her just as Dr. Pierce walks inside the room

"Are these people still alive?" she asks as she looks at me. I give her a nod as she takes the chart from Santana's hands.

"They're making small talk" she tells her.

"Pole's tamponing the wound as far as we can see" Dr. Jones fills her in.

"It's hitting the aorta" Dr. Pierce says as I come to stand by her side.

"And look at him. It's right in line with his inferior vena cava" we both breathe in deeply.

"Is there a way to operate without separating them?" Santana asks and I shake my head in the negative.

"There isn't" Dr. Pierce tells her.

"And if we remove the pole…"

"They'll both bleed out" Dr. Jones finishes for her.

"What if…?" I stop myself because what I'm about to say is harsh but it will allow us to safe _one _life and it's gotta mean something. "What if we don't move the poll?" Pierce gives me a look along with everyone else as I turn around. "What if we move one of the patients off the poll to get the saw in there? Then we can hold the pole steady in the other one. Move it very slowly and repair the damage as we go"

"Which one would you move?" Santana asks immediately and I look at Rachel.

"With her aortic injuries, her chances of survival are extremely slim, no matter what we do. But if we move her, we have a real shot of saving him" she comes closer and stands beside me. Sometimes we have to put the science before the heart. I don't like it but as a surgeon I need to be logical, people trust me to be it.

"Well, I could argue since her injuries are so extensive we should move him" Dr. Pierce intervenes. "Give her the best shot we can"

"It doesn't take away the fact that her injuries are worse than his and his chances of survival are higher."

We could go on and on about this and Dr. Pierce knows it, that's why she meets my eyes and falls silent.

"So basically whoever you move doesn't stand a chance" Rachel says and I nod. "So how do you choose? How do you decide who gets to live?"

Pierce and I nod at the same time before turning to the door and heading out. I don't know how to choose, I don't even know if it's my call to choose but I still need to make a decision and put it up for a vote.

"We have to make this call soon if we want our shot of saving either one of them?" I tell her.

"I'd like to examine them again before I weigh in" she lets me know and looking over my shoulder I see that Santana and Rachel are following us.

"I'll wait for your page"

"Yes, thank you."

We part ways and Rachel joins me as I check on my post-op patients before we go for lunch together. She holds my hand silently as we eat. Somehow she's become good at reading me and as much as I like it I know that it's a knife with two sharp ends at the end of the day.

When Dr. Pierce pages me to the x-rays room again I go alone and when I walk inside I find Dr. Jones and Pierce staring at new scans.

"You were right" Dr. Pierce says. "Her vitals are erratic. Pulse is weak. Spine severed. I was hoping it didn't hit from that angle. It just can't miss the aorta" I watch the scans as well and nod.

"What about him? Think he can live?" Dr. Jones asks as Rachel and Santana walk inside as well.

"His odds are better"

"So we ready" she says and we both nod. "Tell OR 1 that we are coming" she tells them and Santana starts walking off.

"Oh and Lopez?" she turns around. "Close off the gallery. We don't need an audience for this" she nods but doesn't move.

"She's cracking jokes" she says and I look away. "How do you tell someone that she's going to be dead in a few minutes when she's sitting up cracking jokes?"

No one answers her question and Rachel is sent by Dr. Jones to prep the patients before I can look back. Dr. Pierce sits down as I stare at the scans some more.

We can try as much as we can and we won't be able to save Bonnie. Her injuries are too great, the most minimal movement and she'll bleed out faster than I can count to two but that doesn't mean that we won't try.

"We need to do this" Dr. Jones says and holds the door open until Pierce and I walk out. We head down to Bonnie and Tom's room where Rachel is currently working but when she sees us walking in she stops to listen.

"Hi, Doc" Bonnie smiles and I smile just as big and apprehensive.

"You don't bring good news" Tom says growing serious.

"This is hard because your body is in a certain amount of shock" Dr. Pierce speaks. "It's preventing you from feeling pain. From feeling the extent of your injuries"

"Dr. Pierce" Bonnie interrupts her. "We have a metal pole cutting a path through our insides. I don't know about Tom here but I didn't expect to walk out of here anytime soon" her voice breaks as does my heart. "So whatever… whatever it is you have to say just… just say it, please?"

"Okay" Dr. Pierce nods and takes a moment before looking back up to meet Bonnie's eyes. "In order to operate on Mr. Maynard we have to separate you two. In order to do that, we have to move you backwards off the pole"

"Can't you just pull the pole out of both of us?" Tom asks and I place my hand on Dr. Pierce's shoulder as she shakes her head and Bonnie reads between the lines.

"If we did that you would both start bleeding out very quickly, too quickly. Right now the pole is plugging your wounds. Once removed the organs will shift and there's a great deal of damage"

"So…" Bonnie is trying not to cry. "…if you move me… I'll die?" everyone falls silent and she cries out.

"We are going to do everything that we can" I tell her but she's crying softly now.

"No" Tom interrupts. "No" he denies. "If anyone has to go it should be me. You just move me right out and…"

"No, Mr. Maynard" I tell him as Rachel takes Bonnie's hand and tries to comfort her. I silently wonder if there is anything that could achieve that propose. "Your injuries are less extensive. If we pull the pole from you as we operate around it, we have a better chance at repairing the damage"

"It's not right" he also cries, mad. "It's not fair"

"We will do everything that we can for both of you in there, believe me…"

"No!"

"Shh Tom" Bonnie says through her tears. "It's not fair either way. They have to give us the best chance and this is our best chance, that one of us walks out of here and I'm glad it gets to be you" she cries as I take a deep breath. "Dr. Berry? Is Danny here yet?" Rachel shakes her head as her red eyes look straight at me.

"There are delays at the airport because of a storm" she barely manages to say. She mentioned Bonnie's fiancé is coming.

"We could wait a few more minutes" Dr. Jones offers.

"No, no" Bonnie smiles sadly. "This is better. Danny wouldn't understand. I've had a couple of hours to, you know…" she breathes in deeply and smiles "…process all of this. But if, if he had to see me… talk to me like this… well, I just think it would be too hard."

I look at Rachel and I understand what Bonnie says to perfection.

I'm the first one to walk out of their room and start putting two teams together. I'll make sure to do everything that I can in the OR.

And when I walk inside the OR everyone is already in there and Bonnie is asking Tom if he believes in heaven. I take a deep breath and approach the table as Dr. Pierce also walks closer with Dr. Adams.

"This is Dr. Adams" she introduces them. "Our anesthesiologist. When you're ready, he's gonna put you to sleep" she tells them and as she smiles, Bonnie looks at me. I take her hand and give it a squeeze.

"Will it hurt?" she brokenly asks me.

"It won't hurt a bit" I promise her.

"Good. That's good. Dr. Fabray?"

"Yes?"

"Will you talk to my Danny when he gets here?"

"Yes"

"Tell him that I love him, please" tears stream down her face softly, romantically. "Tell him that I've never loved anyone and no one has ever loved me as fervently in my life. Tell him that he was the love of my life, please. And that if love… if love were enough, I'd still be with him."

"I will" I chock out before Dr. Adams takes care of putting her down.

With a knot in my throat I head to washing up. Dr. Jones hands me a tissue before she begins cleaning her hands and I have to take deep breaths to control myself in order to start doing my job.

"Why do I feel like we're about to kill this girl?" Dr. Jones says before she goes inside and leaves me facing the running water wondering why do I feel the same way?

I look up when the machines start beeping too fast and I hurry up while I see Bonnie crashing even before we begin.

When I get inside Bonnie is bleeding out faster than we ever anticipated and before we even started to move the pole out of her. "What happened?" I ask Dr. Adams as Dr. Pierce joins me.

"I just put them under" he defends.

"Pole must have shifted"

"I barely touched her" he defensively says. "This isn't my fault!"

"It's no one's fault" I cut him off. "We need to remove her now people or else we won't stand a chance"

"How do we do it?" Rachel and Santana ask at the same time.

"Team One continues, stabilizes Bonnie. Team Two move her back and let's get the saw in there. This has to be fast and smooth people. Lopez you hold the pole in place. Whatever you do don't pull on it, don't let it move an inch" she nods fervently and I meet everyone's eyes. "On the count of 3, 2, 1…"

Bonnie is being slid off the pole slowly and placed carefully on an operating table. I hurry to her side as they start cutting on the pole to free Tom enough to lay him down.

"Let's start with her" I tell everyone. "Scalpel" Rachel is standing in front of me when I do the first incision.

"Berry, get in here and help re-tract" Dr. Jones speaks as I take a look inside the mess. And it's truly one hell of a mess.

"Alright, I'm in" I announce.

"Hand me the cattery" Dr. Pierce asks at the same time. We're being fast, but I'm afraid it won't be enough.

"Her aorta is shredded. She's gonna bleed out" her monitor start beeping fast. She's flat-lining.

"There's no rhythm"

"Damn it" I cruse under my breath as Tom's monitor also starts beeping fast.

"He's losing pressure" Dr. Adams announces. "He's bleeding"

"Let's go" Dr. Pierce says as she turns away and heads to Tom's table immediately.

"Everyone change gloves" I speak out loud but don't make a move to walk away from Bonnie's table. We knew this was going to happen. We tried, didn't we?

"What about her?" Rachel asks me but I shake my head.

"There's nothing else that we can…"

"What about her?!" she asks louder. "We can't just abandon her" I've changed my gloves by now but she's growing more upset by the second.

"Rachel. We need to move now" I turn around quickly and observe the damage before choosing my line of action.

"I'm going in. Extend the sternum" I tell Santana. "Scalpel"

"We can't just abandon her!" Rachel yells somewhere behind me but I don't want to look back and see her trying when I know that even before we could have put a stich Bonnie was already too far gone. "We have an obligation"

"Rachel!" I raise my voice and even though I can't see her I can feel her eyes on me. "There was too much damage. You know this. Let her go and get here already."

I hear a wet sound and I know that she was pumping Bonnie's heart with her own hand. "Time of death 3:49." Dr. Jones calls it.

"Dr. Berry, come here and help me safe this man's life." She obeys but she's not really here and after hours of being in the OR I finally end my part and Dr. Pierce takes over. Tom will live.

On my way out I take Rachel with me and together we wash up before heading out. She starts crying even before we make it to an on-call room.

I hold her as she grips my robe and sobs uncontrollably. I also cry but for the most part I take care of her.

"We did everything we could" I whisper and she cries harder.

"I know."

She falls sleep in my arms after a while and I'm about to when there's a soft knock on the door before Santana's head pops inside.

"I'm sorry but Bonnie's boyfriend just got here and Dr. Pierce wanted me to let you know that she'll speak with Tom's wife"

"Thank you" she nods and with one last look at Rachel, she leaves the room.

I kiss her forehead before leaving her side and walk out.

Danny is a handsome man, kind and he's everything I'd imagine Bonnie's boyfriend to be. He begins crying the moment I open my mouth.

"Did she suffer?" he sobs openly. There is no shame in his tears, he isn't trying to hide them.

"No. Her injuries prevented her from…" I stop talking realizing that what he needs in a forward answer. "No, she didn't feel any pain."

"Good" he nods brokenly. "That's…" but he can no longer speak and I'm not doing any better.

"She asked me to tell you that…" I meet his stare and my heart breaks all over again. "…she wanted me to tell you that she loved you and that if love were enough she'd still be here with you. You were the love of her life."

He nods slightly and breaks down again. I sit down next to him and hold his hand as he cries in my shoulder. I barely manage to retain my own tears in order to be here for him but when I meet Rachel's eyes at the nurse station the tears scape me.

As surgeons there are so many things that we have to know. We have to know what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our patients and how to take care of each other.

I'm not strong enough. I wouldn't survive if she's snatched away from me so abruptly, so unexpectedly. I wouldn't.

…


	15. Communication

Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say or how to ask for what we really need.

"For a long time…" I close my eyes and face the lit monitor in front of me. Deborah. "…for a long time I thought I knew you better than most" I stand and turn to face her, and I cringe at the image that I see. Her playful smirk is gone, she no longer smiles and her eyes are as dull as I've ever seen them.

"I was meaning to talk to you" I lie and the way her lips twitch up tells me that she knows I'm lying.

"No, you weren't and I don't blame you"

"I'm sorry" her eyes lock with mine and she steps forward, her hands cup my face and her body presses against mine. For a moment I allow myself to _feel _her.

"No, you're not" she chokes out as her fingers grasp my cheeks. I hug her as she rest her forehead on my cheek.

"You're right."

And she cries, and even though I feel terrible I still don't regret my decision.

"We were happy, weren't we?" she asks, her head now resting on my shoulder as I run my hands up and down her back.

"We were" I smile faintly. "We really were."

She pulls back then, wipes the tears off of her face and breathes in deeply. She looks at me with puffy, red eyes and smiles softly, dejectedly.

"She wasn't a game" she states and I limit myself to not look away. "You weren't trying to forget me. You fell in love."

More tears float from her eyes then, as if she had pulled the trigger to herself and I can't do anything to stop the pain from devouring her.

"I guess I really did screw us up, huh?" she laughs bitterly and before I can say a word she pulls out a different folder from her purse and hands it to me. "These are your copies, I have mine and our lawyers have theirs. It's done, we are officially divorced. Congratulations."

She leaves the room and I force myself to not follow her. There is no reason for me to throw salt on her open wounds and I wouldn't even know what to say anyway.

"I'm reporting for duty" Rachel smiles as I leave the search room and find her in the hallway.

"You're on my service today?" I squeeze her hand and almost lean in to peck her lips but the look in her eyes stop me. "Professional at work"

"That's my girl" she beams before handing me a chart. "Mrs. Griswold. History of heart disease and multiple surgeries. In for a beating heart quadruple CABG. I've studied the case and I'm ready to assist"

"This is an extensive operation" I notice as I read the new labs.

"She's a veteran herself"

"Even so. I need to make sure that she understands the risks."

Once in the elevator I don't waste my time and press my girlfriend on the wall before kissing her _very_ _tempting _lips and sneak my hand on her back until I'm squeezing her beautiful ass.

"God, Quinn" she groans as I kiss a path down to her neck and collarbone.

"I missed you last night" she grips my hair as I press harder against her and kiss her again. Her hot breath makes me want to give up all sense of professionalism. I don't want to just kiss her, I want all of her.

"I was on call" she breathes out as the elevator stops.

"You coming over tonight?" I peck her lips once more before stepping back and putting some distance between us. I comb my short hair with my fingers and straighten my robe but nothing will be able to fix the throbbing on my body until I'm able to be with Rachel the way I need to.

"That was the plan" she walks closer, seductively but doesn't touch me and walks out of the elevator.

"Wait, was?" I catch up and she smiles apologetically.

"We are double dating tonight"

"Double what? Why?"

"Brittany and Santana" she turns around then and with her hand on my chest she pleads silently. "Dr. Pierce came with the idea, I had to accept"

"Did you think of consulting me before you accepted?"

"You're just mad that you'll have to wait even more before getting laid" I smirk because she's right and then I huff at hearing how ridiculous that is. "I'll make the waiting worth, I promise."

With that promise in mind we both walk inside Mrs. Griswold's room. I've known this lady for a while now. Her condition forces her to visit the OR almost regularly, but I'm optimistic about this procedure. If everything goes to plan this will be her last surgery and she'll be off to live a nice and comfortable life.

"I'm sending you in for a nuclear scan" she huffs, annoyed that we need more scans. If she weren't annoyed by every single thing that I do, it wouldn't be Mrs. Griswold. "After that we'll get you into the OR this afternoon. I have to ask one more time, ma'am. Do you understand all of the risks?"

"I've been through it too many times to not understand the risks" she scowls as Rachel looks at me with a bit of hesitation in her eyes.

"I'll check back a little later, ma'am" I smile at her before calling Rachel and heading out of the room.

"Is she always such a…?"

"Rachel" I interrupt her with a laugh and she chuckles with me.

"Seriously" she says.

"She's tired. She's suffered too much from this. At her age she wants to be resting in her house, maybe playing with her grandchildren. Not having _another_ heart surgery"

"You're right. I'm sorry I almost called her a bitch" I shake my head and smile at her. She smiles mischievously and raises an eyebrow challenging me.

"Dr. Berry, please take Mrs. Griswold for a volume scan and pick up her x-rays on the way back"

"I'd totally kiss you right now" she scrunches up her nose and leaves to do as I said. This woman is going to kill me with an overdose of adorableness. Seriously.

I watch her disappear inside my patient's room before I head down to check on my post-op and catch up on some paper work I was falling behind. By the time I come out of the lounge it's already midday and I find Dr. Piece in the cafeteria.

"I heard we're double dating tonight" she smiles softly and chuckles to herself as she pays before facing me.

"I know. I'm sorry. Santana was saying something about how little I know Rachel and it was like word vomit or something. I never thought she would agree that easily though"

"Yeah" I nod and think about how long will this double date take?. I hope not long. "It could be fun. I've never seen you out of those robes"

"Neither have I" she smiles as my pager beeps and I have to run.

Something is wrong with Mrs. Griswold. "What do we got?" Rachel comes running as my patient struggles to breathe and her monitor beeps wildly.

"She had a La Veen sign. EKG shows St elevations and inferior rates" Rachel updates me as I check on my patient.

"She's having a heart attack" I put away my stethoscope as two nurses help us with the machines. "Give her 4 mg of morphine, run nitro as well. 10 mics per minute. Come on everyone, let's do this fast so we can get her into surgery people. There's no time to lose"

"I did this" her husband is still in the room. "I did this to her."

"I'll be back to update you" Rachel promises him before we leave the room.

Rachel and I wash up together as Mrs. Griswold is being prepped for surgery. "You ready?" I ask when I'm done and she smiles.

"Yeah" she smiles and pecks my lips before we enter the OR with care to protect our hands.

We operate for hours, so I'm not completely surprised when I look up and see that the gallery is packed. Rachel gasps when her hands come to touch this heart and I smile at the awed expression in her face. You never forget these moments in your career and the feeling of having a beating heart in your hands never really washes off.

"Looks like Mrs. Griswold is doing well" I announce when I'm ready to close her up and the unexpected happens.

I see it in slow motion. The way the clamps slip the surgical nurse and the sparks fly before my patient's chest catches fire.

"Code red!" I yell as the small flames become bigger. "We have to safe Mrs. Griswold. Begin fire protocol"

"I'm on it" Rachel runs off behind me.

"Code red! Begin fire protocol" Rachel comes back with a bucket of water and puts out the patient's chest. "Move everyone! Dr. Berry, disconnect the electrical leads"

"Got it."

There is a bleed and I force myself to look up for the first time. "Any unnecessary personnel in this room evacuate now! Shut down the O2"

"It's done" Rachel says as she stands by my side again and starts manual respiration on her own.

"Okay, good" I nod at her and she nods back. "I gotta control this bleeding. Her vitals are stabilizing. We might just have a chance."

By the time I'm walking out of the OR and taking off the hat off of my head I start shaking uncontrollably. My patient will by fine but I'm just beginning to feel the impact that everything had on me.

"That was intense" Rachel says as she catches up with me. She's obviously bumped up and I nod realizing that I'm still shaking. I feel her hand wrapping around my wrist and she drags me down and into an on-call room without saying a single word.

"Quinn" I let go of her hands and take a deep breath to let it out slowly. I lay on the bed and reach out my hand towards her.

"I'm fine" I try to smile but end up huffing instead.

"It was really intense" she sits by my side and takes my hand with both of hers.

"It was" and in this moment I notice that I should be trying to calm her down, not the other way around.

"Tell me a story" she asks completely out of the blue and I stare at her. "Really, tell me any story. Tell me… tell me the story of your first kiss" she smiles easily and I chuckle.

"You don't want to know that"

"I do, come on. Tell me where and how it happened, come on" she laughs encouragely as she plays with my fingers the same way she always does, running her fingertips on each one of my fingers before interlacing them with hers and filling the empty spaces.

"Her name was Jesse, we were fourteen, scared out of our minds for wanting to kiss each other and not a boy like every other girl in our class"

"Where was it?"

"Behind the bleachers" I think back to that day and how terrified I felt, but how freeing it all became after. "It was quick, two pecks and a press of lips that lingered a little bit"

"Did fireworks explode behind your eyelids?" she asks teasingly.

"I had my eyes open"

"Oh, you suck. It had to mean something though"

"It did, but not in the way you'd imagine. I wasn't in love with her. I just knew that I wanted to kiss her."

She lays on top of me then and pecks my lips softly. Just the weight of her on top of me is enough to ground me in such an amazing way. Her eyes are a deep chocolate and they are smiling. "Are you okay?" she asks and I turn us over so I'm on top of her and kissing her instead.

"I am" I tell her. "Thank you."

Unfortunately we can't stay. First of all we check on Mrs. Griswold on post-op and ensure that she'll be fine before I speak with the Chief and explain everything that happened in my OR.

And finally I have to find Mr. Griswold and talk to him before he hears anything from anyone else. He's in the waiting area, looking spent and tired. He's been through this so many times and each one of them I've seen him getting anything but rudeness from his wife, and yet, he is still here.

"You're telling me that her heart caught on fire?" his voice shakes when he speaks, it reminds me of my grandpa and how smiley he always is.

"Yes. There will of course be an investigation but you should know this is not as unusual as it sounds. Your wife is going to be fine. She's well as we speak. We completed the operation and I expect that she will make a full recovery"

"Oh" I frown at his disappointed look and meet Rachel's eyes. She is as clueless as I am about it. Mr. Griswold begins to laugh suddenly and my frown deepens.

"Mr. Griswold?" Rachel calls but he laughs hysterically now.

"So that's it, isn't it?" he speaks trying to control his laughter. "Her heart caught on fire in the middle of her 5th open heart operation, and she survived!" he laughs louder as I stand up and Rachel follows. "She's like some mythical monster!" he yells and I smile at him. I guess he wasn't as patient as I thought him out to be after all. By my side, my girlfriend is stunned and more than a little concerned.

"She's never going to die, isn't she?" he asks rhetorically.

"Mr. Griswold" I call but he's still laughing. "Mr. Griswold, I know this is an emotional time for you, if you would like to wait…"

"Wait!?" he cuts me off. "No, not again" he stands up and picks up his coat. "I'm not waiting any longer" he hands Rachel a bag with Mrs. Griswold clothes and starts walking off. "You tell her… tell her… she'll survive without me!"

We watch him go laughing all the way to the elevator and he salutes us before he is gone. He just broke free. I'm speechless.

"So I guess she is a real bitch, huh?" I look at Rachel and start laughing at her words. "Should you tell his wife or should I?" I laugh even harder. I don't know anything right now. I just know that that man had the balls to walk out.

Eventually we both tell Mrs. Griswold and she isn't happy about her husband leaving. In fact, she kick us out of her room and ask us to stay away for the rest of her stay. Rachel and I agree that neither one of us will have a problem with staying away from her at all.

"Thank you" I say as she irons her hair.

"What for?" she smiles through the vanity mirror as I wrap my arms around her waist from behind. She puts down the hair iron and leans back into me.

"For helping me out today in surgery and after. It was a high-pressured situation and you were on top of it. Thank you."

I kiss her cheek once before she turns around and kisses me properly on the lips. I kiss her softly, delicately. This kiss isn't filled with want, it won't lead us anywhere else but I still kiss her passionately slow.

It comes to a point where she sucks my upper lip softly and my chest contracts and it hurts, it hurts to hold all this love inside, all this love for her.

"I love you" she says before stepping back and reapplying lipstick. She smiles flirty through the mirror and I laugh to myself before leaving her bedroom.

Brittany is apparently cooking tonight and that's where I drive us. I haven't been in this part of town before and I've been a bit adventurous in getting to know Seattle. Even from outside I can already tell that Dr. Pierce chose the _best_ part of town to call home. The whole neighborhood reminds me of the house where Deborah and I used to live in New York.

"How do I look?" Rachel nervously asks in the elevator as we near the apartment. I look at her from head to toe and all I can do is smirk. "Quinn! Seriously! I'm about to walk in on my boss' place"

"I am your boss as well" I remind her, slightly offended.

"Yeah but you love me, it doesn't count"

"I think it counts the most" the elevator stops and we're welcomed into a long corridor. It reminds me too much of my life in New York, where everything was elegant and first class. It was ridiculous.

"This is nice" Rachel says before a door bursts open and Santana appears with a glass of red wine in her hand.

"Finally" she stage whispers. "Don't mention anything that we talked about last week, anything"

"I won't" Rachel quickly accepts before her best friend notices me.

"Oh, hi. Good evening, Dr. Fabray"

"Come on now, Santana. We're not in the hospital. It's Quinn"

"I knew that" she bites the inside of her mouth before inviting us in. I can instantly tell that something is bothering her but Rachel gives me a look that keeps me from mentioning anything at all.

It smells delicious and I voice my thoughts as soon as we walk through the door. Brittany wears an apron and she offers us a glass of wine. I offer to help in return when Santana drags Rachel to the living room and sits her down.

"You think they'll take a while?" Brittany asks as I take some plates out of the cabinets. I take a look over my shoulder, Santana is strongly telling my girlfriend something.

"It depends on what you did" she chuckles nervously, a clear sign that she did something. "Anyway, this looks great. You'll have to share the recipe with me."

"I don't really…" I look up when she lets out a deep breath and huffs. Brittany looks worried sick. "I don't know what I did!"

"Okay, calm down" I ask her and watch over my shoulder again. Santana is still talking Rachel's ear off. "I'm sure that everything will be alright."

"That's the trick. I don't know if anything _can _be alright?" she serves herself a full glass of wine and downs it at once.

"What do you mean?" I ask as she pours herself another one.

"I never know with her and I try, believe me I do but everything is a struggle and I'm starting to wonder if any of it is worth it, you know?"

She drinks the second glass with the same speed and before she can pour herself another one I take the bottle in my hand and stare at her.

"Well this is simple" I tell her. "Do you love her?"

"With all my heart" she doesn't hesitate and the amount of passion in her words makes it impossible to be a lie. I believe her.

"Then is worth it" I give the bottle back but she doesn't take it. Her deep blue eyes study me for a moment before she looks away, breathing deeply.

"How do you do it?" she asks suddenly and I chuckle, letting my eyes fall on Rachel once more. My relationship with Rachel has been more than just one struggle and I know what I see when I look at her, I'm sure of what I know but Brittany doesn't need to base herself on my security. She needs to find her own.

"One day at the time" I say and she shakes her head.

"It ain't easy, huh?"

"What?"

"Dating the twisted sisters"

"The what?" I laugh at the nickname and as Brittany points subtly behind us, I get it and it suits them perfectly. "Who calls them like that?"

"Who doesn't?"

By the time we take a seat around the table for four the tension between Brittany and Santana has managed to grow immensely, and while Rachel is by now well aware of what is going on I'm in the dark along with Brittany.

"This chicken is delicious" I comment and take another bite. Everyone is silent.

"Thank you" Brittany says and her eyes lock with mine for a moment and she nods, so subtly that I almost miss it. "How are you feeling these days, Rachel?" she asks.

"Great, I mean, Quinn still tries to do everything for me but I'm alright. She's trying to spoil me" she smiles softly and I hold her hand on the table.

"I thought I heard you're from Ohio?"

"Lima, actually" I say and Rachel smiles to me.

"You're very far away from home"

"I am and I miss it incredibly, but my father was here recently so…" she trails off and I take another bite of chicken. This shouldn't be so hard, right?

"So you went to Stanford" Rachel nods surely as Brittany and I smile. "I went there myself and I believe I saw you around campus once or twice" she points at me.

"Guilty" I sip my drink as Santana continues to stay completely out of this conversation. "Lucky you didn't chose cardio or I'd have kicked your ass in class" she laughs, a full body laugh.

"Whatever makes you sleep at night" she retorts but our laughter dies abruptly when Santana stands up and leaves the table. Brittany stands to go after her but Rachel does the same thing.

"Let me" my girlfriend says before she goes down the hallway after her best friend.

I drink all the wine in my glass and stare at the empty space Rachel just left. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say or do right now. Unlike Santana and Rachel, Brittany isn't my best friend and I barely know her.

"You still think I should take one day at the time?" she asks and stands up to retrieve the bottle of wine from the kitchen. I follow her.

"No, definitely not" she looks at me tiredly. "I think you should go a bit faster."

I don't know exactly what's going on in their relationship and it's none of my business to know but I wish Brittany would trust me enough to lean on me.

"I don't know…" she takes a deep breath and instead of pouring herself another glass of wine, she puts the bottle down instead. I squeeze her shoulder as she leans on the edge of the island and wills herself to not cry.

"Whatever you two are going through, you'll overcome it. I've seen you two enough to know that what you have is real. You asked me earlier if it was enough but you already had the answer, now you need to fight and defend that answer. Don't let something good get away just because a conflict of opinions."

Her watery eyes beg for help and my heart breaks because I've never seen Brittany being anything less than glad, but we can only see surfaces, whatever lays beneath them is a mystery for us all.

"I love her" she confesses with a broken voice and I squeeze her shoulder again. I think about hugging her but I don't like hugs when I'm sad and I don't know if she feels the same way or not.

"Then fight, if you have to bend on something, then bend. But don't let her get away."

"We better get going" Rachel says from behind me and I turn around to face her.

We drive in silence and when we get to my place we get ready for bed instantly.

"Do you think they'll be okay?" I ask as she sits on the edge of the mattress.

"Santana is…" she takes a deep breath, looking for the right words as I brush my teeth. "…she is hard to get to know and that isn't something everyone is willing to deal with."

I go back to the in suite and wash up before returning to find her under the covers already.

"Is that the main issue?"

"That's the only issue" I lay down as well and we both stare at the ceiling for a while.

"I talked with Deborah today" I speak into the dark of my room. For a moment I don't think Rachel is going to say anything but then she slowly turns around and props her head on my chest to look at me.

"And?"

"The divorce is final. She gave me copies of the documents."

She runs her fingers on my chin, prompting me to tell her more but I don't. I can't share Deborah's pain because I feel like I own her that. I own her my respect and consideration at least.

"Is she going back to New York?" I breathe in deeply and look at the ceiling. This question has been rounding my head all day.

"I don't know. I don't think so."

At the end of the day there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say. They're what you do. Some things you say because there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself and not too often but every now and then… some things simply speak for themselves.

…


	16. Gratitude

**Gratitude**

Gratitude, appreciation, giving thanks. No matter what words you use, they all mean the same thing. Happy. We're supposed to be happy, grateful for friends and family. Happy just to be alive, at least for today.

As soon as I finish my surgery I go straight to change my clothes to go back home.

"You're supposed to be at home" Dr. Pierce says as I find her in the hallway.

"That was the best mazed procedure I've ever done" I tell her and I can feel myself smiling widely but also not caring about it. "Under an hour" I brag.

"I thought you had the day off" she smiles as the Chief joins us.

"I did. I do. I'm leaving. I simply like to start my day cutting. Gives me a rush" I wink at her and she rolls her eyes.

"Just admit it, you can't function ten feet away from the hospital" she teases.

"I noticed you're here as well"

"Only for an hour. I have a consult and then I'm free"

"You coming over later, right?" she hesitates and I walk closer, placing my hand on her shoulder. "It's thanksgiving. You're my guest and we need a turkey" I remind her.

"You only invited me because I'm an excellent cook"

"Well yeah, of course, but I also want you there."

Ever since last week things between Brittany and Santana seem to be a little uncertain. Rachel has been trying to talk to Santana about it but she doesn't want to touch the subject apparently. Perhaps tonight's thanksgiving dinner can help mediate some sort of truce between them, at least that's what I'm hoping for.

When I get to Rachel's house it's twenty pass nine and Marley is already going a bit nuts in the kitchen by herself. I wonder where is everyone else, since Marley made us all promise that we'll be here.

There is not a sound on the second floor and as I near my girlfriend's room I know that I'll find her sleeping. This is our only day off in a long time after all. I don't blame her if she's still in bed.

When I open the door I confirm my suspicious and quickly take off my shoes and jacket with the intention of getting in bed with her for a few minutes. I round the bed and sneakily wrap my arm around her waist as I pull her closer to me before sucking her earlobe lightly and inching my hand underneath her shirt.

"Well, good morning to you too"

"What the…?" I jump out of the bed as Rachel walks out of the in suite and Santana rolls around in bed laughing loudly.

"What happened?" Rachel smiles at her best friend before coming closer to me.

"I thought it was you" I frown as Santana's laughter gets unbelievable louder and I rub my hands on my jeans. I can't believe I sneaked my hand in there!

"Now I know why tiny here is so hooked on you, Doc"

"Santana, what did you do?" Rachel asks in a slightly more serious tone as I try to wake up from this nightmare, but when I close my eyes the memory comes back full force and I shiver all over.

"Oh come on, anyone would be lucky to get up on this" Santana motions to her body as I reach for the handle and walk out with my shoes in hand.

Just before I get to the stairs Rachel stands in front of me trying and failing to hide the huge smile of amusement that's threating to split her face in half.

"Oh baby" her shoulders shake as I fish for words. "She traumatized you, come here" she pecks my lips and I huff as soon as she pulls back.

"I thought it was you"

"I know" she kisses me again and before I get to kiss her again we hear a crash coming from the kitchen. Before we make it to the first floor however, I stop my girlfriend and pull her aside.

"Brittany is coming" I tell her.

"I figured"

"Did you tell Santana?" she combs my hair back and nods her head easily.

"Of course I did" she pecks my lips and I finally get to kiss her properly today. "She's okay with it. I think they've been making progress but she refuses to talk about it yet"

"I hope tonight goes well"

"Me too."

We find Marley leaning on the counter with both hands trying to control her rapid breathing. I meet Rachel's eyes and she doesn't really have to say anything to voice her concern 'cause I can clearly see it.

"Marley?" she tentatively calls.

"What?"

"Is everything alright?" my girlfriend asks as I begin to pick up the utensils from the floor. Marley turns around angry and about to yell, but something holds her back and she lets out a long breath and finally smiles forcefully.

"It's thanksgiving" she painfully says as I carefully put down two spoons on the island. "It's thanksgiving" she repeats, a little more convincing.

"I fell asleep, Mar but I'm here to help now. What can I do?" my girlfriend says as someone rings the doorbell.

I think Marley is finally feeling the pressures of hosting a thanksgiving dinner. This is exactly why Deborah and I always invaded my mother's house for the occasion since we were in college. Somehow we knew that hosting would take a piece of our souls right along with the holyday and judging by Marley's attitude right now, we weren't completely wrong.

I get the door to find Brittany standing on the porch holding a bottle of red wine and relaxed shoulders. I invite her in and just as I offer to take her coat Santana descends the stairs. I immediately excuse myself and leave them alone.

"Who was that?" Rachel asks and I motion behind me. "Oh" she mutters.

"What's happening?" I ask instead of looking over my shoulder myself.

"I think… everything seems to be going well."

Brittany walks inside the kitchen and Rachel scurries off as Marley and I begging to put everything out of the fridge. Santana is nowhere to be seen but Brittany seems okay. For some unknown reason I've always managed to stay out of the drama that being a lesbian and having a group of lesbian friends brings with security, so all of this –as weird as it may sound- is new territory for me.

"How are you?" I ask Brittany and when her eyes find mine I can see that she understands what I'm truly asking, and she smiles softly.

"Good" she nods and I nod back. Good is great. Good is awesome.

When Rachel comes back to the kitchen I excuse myself after telling everyone that I'm better off the kitchen and go to the living to put some music on instead.

"Where is the booze?" Santana asks as I plug my phone to the stereo.

"Top shelf to the right in the kitchen." As November Rain begins to play through the speakers I watch Santana reach out for a bottle and two glasses before coming back to the living. Brittany laughs with Rachel and Marley at something, and Santana downs a shot of tequila by my side and immediately follows it by another. "Easy there, tiger. It's not even noon yet"

"I need liquor if I'm to survive this day" I follow her line sight and see Brittany smiling as she gives Marley instructions on the turkey. I frown pondering why Santana is acting this way when Brittany is _good_.

"You didn't want her here?"

"No, no. It's not that" she offers me a shot and I tentatively take it. "It's just… difficult"

"What is?" I cough at the burning sensation on my throat and return the glass to her already regretting having taken it in the first place.

"Opening up" she downs another one.

"I know." She drinks a third shot and then stands up to change the music. Something about the eighties being long gone. I roll my eyes but she shrugs before giving back my phone.

An alternative tune comes on and Santana drinks another shot. This I can understand, opening up isn't easy all together but for some people it's the hardest thing to do.

"How are things?" I take the shot from her hands and drink it fast as she studies me, pondering if she should or shouldn't talk about this with me. After a moment she looks away and I don't set the glass down but keep it in my hands.

"This was never in the plan" she finally says and her eyes silently let me know that she'll talk to me. "I am not that girl"

"What girl?"

"The girl that has to sleep with someone to climb a few positions" unintentionally my eyes immediately find Rachel in the kitchen. She smiles innocently and I smile back.

"Crap. I don't mean it like that" Santana is a quick reader and she doesn't miss a beat.

"Then what do you mean?"

"This only applies to me, alright? This isn't right for _me. _I know _me, _I know what I want and I know where I want to get and how to get there, and this was never in the plan."

Santana is driven, I saw that the first day I met her. She's the kind of doctor that won't stop until she's the best there is and I admire her for that. She isn't trying to insult my girlfriend, she is simply not content with the way her career is starting off.

"This was never in the plan either" she frowns at first and then a smug smile tugs at her lips. "I was supposed to never fall in love again. I was done with love. Done with women."

She looks away then and I don't say anything else. I hope she follows what I'm trying to tell her here. Love doesn't fit into any plan. It's impossible to decide when or how you'll love someone or how deeply you'll fall.

"I see what you're saying but that's not me. It's never been and I don't want to be like that. I have a goal, _several_ goals. They are the reason why I went to medicine school, why I'm working in that hospital, why I'm in this town" she asks for the glass and I hand it back, her eyes never stray from mine. "So I get it. I get what you're saying but you have to get what I'm saying as well."

And I do, but I remain silent as she downs another shot of tequila and then get up to answer my ringing phone. I answer without looking away from Santana and then I have to repeat myself in order to be sure of the person in the other side of the line.

"Deborah?"

"_Happy thanksgiving_" she softly says and I close my eyes as a pang of guilt washes over me. She's in town, probably alone in a holyday that she's always loved.

"You too" I limit to say. I hear her breathing but before she can say anything else I murmur a soft excuse and hang the phone.

I don't know how this is going to work. I don't know if I can deal with her being heartbroken because of me. It hurts to know that she's suffering but she's the one that decided to stay, she didn't have to, she had the chance to leave and she refused to take it, and the more I think about it the more it confuses me.

The doorbell rings and Santana welcomes Puckerman into the house. Rachel mentioned that he's been dating Marley for a few weeks now and I see him going straight to the kitchen and kissing her lips in greeting. I also see Blaine emerge from up the stairs and hugging Rachel a little bit too tight for my like before he kisses her cheek with care.

Even though thinking about Deborah pulls the strings of my heart uncomfortably, it doesn't even compare to the pain that imagining Rachel away from me causes. Nothing compares with the thought of her not being with me, and it scares me because I can see him not giving up on her even after all this time.

"He's not a threat, y'know?" I look at Santana and accept the shot she's offering me. This time the liquor doesn't burn down my throat when I drink it.

I don't have an answer for her so I ask her for another drink instead. She smirks and somehow I know exactly what she's thinking. Jealousy isn't a good look on anyone. I'd know.

"How long has he been crushing on Rachel?" I ask as we take a seat.

"Anderson?" Puckerman huffs as he joins us in the living. "Since day one" he says as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"It was love at first sight" Santana agrees mockingly. "He was dating a nurse though"

"Oh yeah, that Kurt boy"

"Hummel?" they both nod. "But Hummel is a guy"

"Anderson kicks both ways."

Suddenly Brittany laughs loudly and everyone soon follow her, and Santana downs another drink. I decide that I shouldn't be getting drunk today and once in the kitchen my girlfriend sets me to chop a few veggies. I can't talk with Brittany as we move around cooking but if I were to judge by the big smile on her face, I'd say that she's having a good time and that's what I was aiming for primarily.

"We're out of booze" Santana announces just as I dry my hands and Rachel reaches out to wrap her arms around my waist.

"We'll be right back" Puckerman shouts and they walk out of the door.

"They'll be wasted by the end of the day, won't they?" Rachel asks and her lips are too tempting to not kiss, but as we are in a room full of her friends I just peck her lips.

"Yes, they will."

Once the turkey is in the oven and all the rest of the food is finished we all head to the living and Marley opens a bottle of red wine.

It's in the middle of a heated conversation about how much we work and shouldn't that I realize that this is my first thanksgiving away from my family. I've never been away in this time of the year. Even when I was doing my internship I made time and headed home with my mom and sisters for this occasion.

"Hey" Rachel runs her fingers on my arm before lifting it and wrapping it around her shoulder herself. "Whatcha thinking?" I kiss her and I smile against her lips before pulling back.

"That this is the first thanksgiving I'm not with my mom"

"You should call her" she takes my hand and starts playing with my fingers the same way she's been doing all this time. "Have you talked to her lately?"

"She knows what's happened"

"You told her about…?" I kiss her as she lets the question hanging and we fall into a comfortable silence, snuggled close in the loveseat and listening to Marley and Blaine goof around.

The day isn't near over and I already feel emotionally exhausted, but there is one thing that keeps rounding my mind the longer I hold Rachel in my arms. Santana said this morning how it wasn't easy to open up and now I realize that she wasn't only talking about herself.

Rachel always talks about her daddy and I even met him before but she's never mentioned her mother and I recognize that I know nothing about her. It can't be a coincidence either and I don't think it's an honest mistake on her part.

"So you just like thanksgiving?" Brittany smiles and zips her wine.

"Of course I do" Marley is quick to assure. "We work 18 hours a day, 6 days a week, 50 weeks a year. We don't really have time for our families. We don't have friends that aren't doctors, but we have this one day, one where we get to be like everybody else. One day to be normal. One day where nobody lives and nobody dies on our watch. It's like a gift" she smiles dreamily and by this point we are all listening intently. "So I just thought we should appreciate it. That's all."

Brittany finds my stare and we both smile while nodding our heads. "A day without surgery" we both murmur and smile wider.

Santana and Puckerman walk in making a fuss with all the bags they're carrying in their arms and I can already realize that that's too much alcohol for the occasion.

"Did you call your parents?" I carefully ask my girlfriend and she nods before kissing me softly.

"Daddy is in Columbus visiting some family" before I can ask about her mother she laughs loudly as Blaine's wine drips onto his shirt and everyone follows her, Santana soon shares a story about body shots and between everyone's laughter Rachel's eyes connect with mine and I know, I just know that there isn't a mother in her life.

Instead of pushing this though, I decide to let it go for now because maybe we're not supposed to be wholly happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe grateful is recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciate small victories instead of seeking greatness. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know and maybe we're thankful for things we'll never know.

I kiss her and hug her closer to me. It's her story and her story only, like I tried to leave my past behind she has the right as well.

Dinner goes incredibly smooth and after establishing that we're all gratefully for medicine we eat Brittany's deliciously cooked turkey.

At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

…


	17. Choices

**Choices**

When you were a kid it was Halloween candy. You hid it from your parents and ate it until you got sick. In college it was the heady combo of youth, alcohol and well you know… As a surgeon you take as much of the good as you can get because it doesn't come nearly as often as it should. Because good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, even love is not always a good thing, take it from me.

I find Brittany at the nurse station and she looks every bit as unamused by this morning's events already as I do. I lean by her side but we don't say much until Deborah walks over to us handing us large files.

"Dorie Russell, she's giving birth to quints" she says without stopping and completely avoiding my stare. I don't blame her, if I were her… well if I were her I'd like to believe that I wouldn't be here in the first place.

"We're aware. The Chief said we were on standby" my words provoke a huff from Brittany and gains me a playful smirk from Deborah. She always liked power and what is more powerful than having the entire Hospital at her disposition? "Which is no problem really, cause it's not like we have neurosurgery and cardiac-thoracic surgery departments to run or anything"

"Awww" she coos and even though her playfulness is intact she still can't do much to hide the bags under her eyes, a clear sign that she's been crying. I look to the file as we come to a stop at her department to avoid the pang of guilt I feel when I look at her.

"Yes, apparently our departments are at your disposal" Brittany says and she doesn't seem as bothered as she did a few minutes ago. My best guess is that she finds the interaction between my ex-wife and I amusing.

"Do you have time to talk to the mother now? I want her to meet all the surgeons on the team"

"No problem" Brittany instantly accepts as my pager goes off.

"I'll come by after I get out of the O.R"

"Thank you, Dr. Fabray" she smiles and I turn around without saying a word, although I'm tempted to turn around again and when I do she's still smiling and it amuses me how hard she's trying.

"I'll see you later" I wave and she nods with that friendly smile still adorning her lips.

I make my way to the nurse station again to print a few pages and that's where Rachel finds me.

"Good morning" she smiles and hands me a cup of hot coffee.

"I missed you this morning" I say looking at her momentarily and quickly stand up to peck her lips before returning to my task.

"I left a note" I can hear the smile in her tone and I look up to see her biting her bottom lip.

"What's up with you?" I ask amused by her attitude and looking both ways she leans in closer to me, as if she's about to tell me a secret.

"Dr. Pierce gave Santana a key to her apartment" she whispers and involuntarily I let out a small chuckle.

"Wow, that's a big step. Is Santana freaking out yet?"

"She's flipping! She's carrying the key like it's diseased or something" I laugh even though deep down I know it's not that funny. Ever since thanksgiving their relationship has taken a better turn and things seem to be lighting up for them. I didn't know they were doing _that_ good though. If Brittany shared a key then she probably believes that they're doing beyond good and Santana... well, it's Santana.

"Would you flip if I gave you a key?" I ask my girlfriend out of nowhere and when her eyes widen I laugh openly.

"And you dare to make fun of Santana" I say but she only shrugs and glares playfully at me. I know that we aren't there yet and that's why I'm not worried for her reaction at all.

"Not fair" she says as I pass by her with my papers in hand. I'll have my work cut for me at the end of the day, especially with the quints' case.

"Come on, we have a surgery to perform" she nods and picks up two files before follow me to the OR.

My appendectomy goes well and right after I'm finished, I make sure to study the quints' case deeper. One of the girls is definitely going to need surgery and it's going to be a charged and complicated procedure that might not even work but it's worth a shot. In the files it's written that Dorie was recommended a procedure in the first trimester of her pregnancy. The procedure would have taken two babies out and let three of them to develop properly in her womb. She didn't have it done because I've learnt that mothers can't choose between their kids, simple as that.

"This is heartbreaking" Rachel says as we both analyze the scans. "What is this?"

I swallow and look at her in the eye before speaking. "Those are the baby's organs that have grown outside of her body. She'll need surgery as soon as she comes out, along with three of her sisters"

"They are so small" she comments and for a moment I'm tempted to ask about her mother again but this isn't the right time. "And to think that all of this could have been avoided"

"Yes and no" I answer and she turns to face me again.

"Yes, because three of these kids could be perfectly healthy right now" she convincingly says.

"And no, because how do you ask a mother to choose three of her five kids to live?"

"To live _healthy_. We do that by asking her to think of the future, to consider the bigger picture"

"You can't ask a mother that, Rachel. We can recommend it, yes. But we can't ask her to choose"

"Mothers do this all the time! Mothers give up babies without even giving it a second thought! Mothers abandon their own blood and flesh for a chance at happiness!"

She's no longer talking about the patient and I immediately get it. She turns around but quickly starts pacing before standing in front of me again.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. Don't take me off the case, please"

"I won't" I say and hold her in my arms. "Will we ever talk about her?" she looks up and her eyes turn watery in a second as she nods and I kiss her soft lips to calm her down a bit. I have a vague idea of her relationship with her mother now but I won't be sure until we actually talk about it and I don't want to assume anything.

I make sure that Rachel studies the case with me and when we're both well prepared and clear headed, we head to the patient's room where Deborah is speaking to them comfortably. As we walk inside she instantly stands by my side, completely and deliberately ignoring Rachel for the moment.

"Dorie, Tom. This is Dr. Quinn Fabray. She's the head of cardiac-thoracic surgery and Dr. Berry who will be assisting her. Dr. Fabray wanted to talk to you about Emily's heart surgery"

"Emily needs heart surgery?" the mother asks shocked as I walk closer towards her on the bed. I can't even begging to comprehend the kind of stress she must be under.

"Yes, ma'am. Your daughter has a condition called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. The surgery will be extensive and the odds that…"

"We don't believe in odds" she interrupts me quickly and I nod as Marley who is also in the room smiles with the patient. It makes me glad that Marley is here because her humble and caring personality are just what this woman needs right now.

"That's great news because neither do I" I tell her and her husband. "But it is important that you both understand medically what's going on with your girls"

"After she's born there won't be much time to ask questions. So…" Deborah ads.

"Okay" Dorie nods and taking her husband's hand she readies herself. "We're listening."

"What's wrong with Emily's heart?" Tom asks for the first time.

"The chambers on the left side are underdeveloped. In addition the mitral valve which connects these two chambers is abnormally narrow…"

They have a lot of questions and I answer each one of them as clearly as I can. When we're finished I'm sure they understand the risks and are well informed before they sign the permission forms.

I walk out with Rachel, leaving Deborah behind. Once the babies come there won't be any time to lose. The quintuplets have the entire hospital on hold, no major surgical case is being accepted for the moment.

As I drive us to Rachel's house I can sense the way she's slowly pulling away. I don't know if I'll ever be able to know her fully and I'm afraid to admit that even though I sleep by her side almost every night, Santana knows her better than I do and probably always will.

When I park the car I'm not sure of what to do next and neither one of us makes a move to get out.

"The woman that gave birth to me is called Shelby Corcoran" she clears her throat but when I look at her she's not looking at me. She's looking straight ahead and I know how hard this is for her. "She got pregnant at seventeen and gave me up for adoption" I reach out and I'm glad that she grips my hand with force when I touch her instead of pulling away. "I looked for her when I was sixteen. I had two loving fathers at home but somehow I needed to find her, to see her, to meet her. I found out that she was teaching in a high school in the next town and I drove there."

She finally looks at me and I notice the silent tears that have been rolling down her cheeks. I clean them fast with my fingers and pull her closer to kiss her cheek before she continues speaking between shallow breaths.

"She was surprised to see me but didn't rejected me" there is something about the way that she speaks that lets me know that that encounter didn't end happily. "She showed me the town, we went shopping, she told me about her life and then that night I met her family. She got married at nineteen and immediately started to have children. She said that she is glad that I've turned out alright and I asked her…" she sobs but breathes in deeply before facing me again. "…I asked her why did she leave me and she said that I remind her of everything that went wrong in her life and that she didn't need to have me around for that since she had the emotional scars to remember"

"What?"

"I asked her but she didn't tell me and then…" I rub her arms as she sobs harder. "…then she gave me a check and made me promise that I'd never look for her again."

As she breaks down in my arms all I can think about is how heartless this woman really is and how could she be the mother of the woman in my arms. How could she have blamed Rachel for anything! Rachel was sixteen for Christ sake!

"Soon after that dad got sick" she sobs and a part of me doesn't want to know more but as I hand her a tissue, she continues. "In one of his diaries I found a letter from her. They paid her thousands of dollars for her to make it in New York, she wanted to be a singer or something"

"It's alright, we don't have to talk about it anymore"

"I wasn't trying to keep – any secrets" she cries, her beautiful face wet with tears and twisted in pain.

"I know baby, I'm sorry" I kiss the corner of her mouth and get her another tissue.

"I just want to forget I ever met her"

"I understand. I love you, I love you so much."

Our beepers go off as I hug her and even though I don't want to know anything about work right now I also know that I can't ignore it.

Dorie is having the babies and we can't lose a single minute.

"We have to go" she says and taking deep breaths she composes herself.

"Rachel" there is so much that I'd like to say right now and many of those thoughts aren't any good but there is one thing that I'm sure of, one thing that I'll never hide or deny. "I am so proud to have you in my life and not a day goes by where I don't thank God that I'm alive and that I love you. I love you."

She chuckles through her tears and leaning in I kiss her, and although her kisses are salty and wet because of all the tears, they still manage to steal my breath.

"I love you" she smiles against my lips and with a final hug we head to the hospital.

Once in the OR everyone is set on a different task as Deborah operates on Dorie who is conscious as my ex-wife performs a C-section on her. Her husband, Tom is speaking softly by her ear.

I heard Rachel saying how this couple already has triplets waiting for them at home and wonder how big a mother's love is. But how do you know when much is too much?

Deborah pulls out the first baby girl and hands her to Rachel. As soon as I have the girl close enough I don't waste any time and start checking on her. She is tiny but she doesn't have a choice. I nod towards my team and we all start moving. We have to take her to our OR.

I look back just in time to see Deborah pulling out the last baby and rolling towards the door as well, leaving Dorie and Tom without a single one of their daughters in their arms.

…

Forty years ago, the Beatles asked the world a simple question. They wanted to know where all the lonely people came from. My latest theory is that a great many of the lonely people come from Hospitals, more precisely the surgical wings of Hospitals.

I can't do much for Emily. I can't do anything really, not until she gains a little bit of force. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for her so I can finally get in and try to fix her tiny heart.

Everyone is on call because of the babies. Deborah has gone home for the night and even though she didn't want to leave the Hospital we put it on a vote and that makes her the only attending on the case to be sleeping at the moment, since Brittany is performing a surgery that will take most of the night and I simply don't want to leave before I operate on Emily.

I stand outside the babies' room working on the endless paper work I've accumulated over the past week as I keep an eye on the interns inside.

All the surgical babies are going to need to be back to the OR tomorrow, hopefully Emily will be as strong as I need her to be to also get back inside but I have to admit that I'm not very optimistic about that and it breaks my heart to think about this little girl that hasn't even had a chance yet.

But another image also catches my attention. Rachel is speaking to Emily through the cradle glass and even from the distance I can tell that she's holding the baby's hand as she smiles and tells her whatever story she's telling.

How could this Shelby woman have been so cruel to her?

"Screw you, Puckerman!" I make my way to the room as soon as I hear Santana's voice raising but instead of an annoyed Puckerman all I see in his eyes is regret as he walks out of the room.

"I'm going to have to ask you to keep your voice down, Dr. Lopez"

"Sorry, Dr."

My eyes find Rachel's immediately and I walk over to her side. I do a quick check on Emily but she's still as weak as before, her heartbeat is barely there and her breathing doesn't sound good either.

"What do you think?" Rachel asks and sticks her hand inside the cradle again. Emily wraps her little fingers around one of Rachel's and I smile at that. The false impression of strength has Rachel's hopes up, I can already tell.

"We're going to need new scans when the sun comes out" she nods as I look over her shoulder where Marley is wiping a few tears off of her cheeks subtly. "She found Noah with a nurse in an on-call room" Rachel fills me in and I hum softly.

"When did this happen?" fighting back the urge to touch my girlfriend I stick my hands in the pockets of my robe and keep them there. It's true that her friends know about our relationship but we are still working here and we've agreed to respect this space.

"Minutes before the quints were born"

"Should I send her home?"

"No, no, that's all right. She'll just be too alone at home" I take another look at Marley and I know that Rachel's right.

"Do you think she's alright?"

"Yeah, she's fine."

As surgeons we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients' ones. We ignore our friends and families so we can save other people's friends and families. Which means that at the end of the day all we really have is ourselves and nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that.

I squeeze Rachel's shoulder before leaving the room and whispering in her ear where I'll be. She doesn't take long and I'm just finishing typing another report by the time she walks through the door of the on-call room.

It's already three fifteen in the morning and she smiles tiredly at me before taking my laptop away and pulling me to lay in bed with her.

"I have rounds in two hours" she yawns and I kiss her cheek as I wrap my arms around her tighter.

"Who is checking on Emily?"

"We took turns. Santana and Blaine are staying with the girls till down while Marley and I rest."

I wake up at four forty to find that Rachel has rolled to her side of the small bed and I go to get her some coffee before her rounds begging. On my way from the cafeteria I stop by the quints' room and check on Emily only to find that she isn't in the right shape yet, however she's a bit stronger than last night.

Rachel is still dead to the world when I come back and although she's a groaning little monster, I manage to wake her up.

"Order those scans please and don't leave Emily alone. I'll take care of everything else"

"Alright" she yawns once more just before her beeper goes off. Dr. Jones is about to start rounds already.

"I'll see you in the OR."

The pit this morning looks crowded. A drunken driver caused a multiple crash downtown and some of the victims are being brought here, if not all.

I run to where I'm paged to find Santana trying to calm down a very hysterical mother asking for her daughter.

"What do we have?" I ask my intern as the patient keeps screaming right in my face.

"Obvious shoulder trauma, several…"

"Annie!"

"Where is her daughter?" I ask Santana but she shrugs before Anderson comes rushing by looking for the mother of a seven year old girl.

"Call Ortho and ask for chest films"

"Right away."

I look everywhere around finding every single intern in the Hospital but Rachel. Luckily none of the victims are mortal and every injury seem to be superficial, so I head to the quints' room where surely Rachel is alone with the girls.

"Hey baby" I softly say before kissing the side of her neck. We're alone in here so I don't have to hold back on my need to touch her.

"How bad is it?" she asks and once more Emily is holding her finger in a strong grip.

"Drunken guy hit a truck. The truck hit two cars, the two cars hit two others"

"Wow"

"No fatalities though but it sure makes for a crowded ER"

"The scans came back" she hands them to me and as soon as I see them I know what the outcome will be and immediately look back to Emily, who is still holding Rachel's finger with her little ones.

She is so fragile, so new and so precious that it makes it so much more difficult to even think about a procedure that probably won't do any good.

"So?" Rachel prompts, a little nervous.

"We won't know anything for sure until we go in."

She's about to say something but Baby C's, Charlotte, starts beeping rapidly and we both move over her as a nurse rushes in as well.

"Page, Dr. Pierce, now!" I open the isolate quickly.

"BP's low. She's tachycardic, Dr. Fabray" Rachel's voice trembles.

"Stats?"

"Dropping low on hyper O2" I try to listen to her breathing with my stethoscope as Rachel asks for a manual respirator pump.

"No breathing signs on the right side. What does that tell you, Dr. Berry?"

"Her lung has collapsed" I nod as I check the door.

"Where is, Dr. Pierce?"

"I paged her, you want me to page her again?" the nurse asks but there is no time.

"No, Dr. Berry and I can take care of this" I pick up the thinnest tube on the tray as Rachel puts on her globes before I hand her the tube. "Here. Stick this between her second and third rib" she nods softly as the beeping gets unbearably fast. "Do not go too deep. You're gonna hear a small gush of air."

I watch her work with care but also determination and I know that she'll make one hell of a surgeon. Suddenly the heart monitor starts to slow down and I know she made it.

"I heard it" I quickly check on Charlotte and smile when I hear her breathing has gone back to normal.

"Nice job" I smile at my girlfriend and she beams at me.

"Thank you."

Brittany comes rushing in and as Rachel updates her on everything I get out of the room to find Deborah and invite her to watch Emily's surgery. For a moment I'm surprised to see her as aloof as she wants herself to be seen but then I remember that Deborah was never a woman who liked to show weakness. The fact that I've seen her cry, must be like a collateral damage or something of the kind in her book.

Rachel and I have to inform the parents about Charlotte but Dorie shows clear signs of guilt and depression. To a level it's understandable but I wish she were stronger because her girls need her now more than they ever will and guilt is not letting her see that.

Dr. Rose stays with Dorie while Rachel and I head to the OR to prep for surgery.

"First step of the Norwood is the cardio pulmonary bypass"

"With HLHS what else do you get besides hyperplasia of the ventricle?"

"Stenosis or atresia of the mitral and aortic valves" her answer comes fast, not as if she's learnt it from some book but because cardio runs through her veins and I know the feeling.

"Why are we using the RVPS conduit instead of the modified Blalock-Tassig shunt?"

"It limits diastolic run off"

"You've done your homework" she smiles and I kiss her forehead before I pick up a paper towel.

"I was up almost all night. I like to keep busy" I look at the table through the window and then back at Rachel.

"No matter what the books say, love. I guarantee you, you've never seen a heart this small."

Deborah walks in the scrub room but she smiles as soon as she sees us. It's strange because I want to believe that she's actually trying to move on and be real but I also know her well enough to know that's not true.

I open up this tiny girl's chest and just as I do I find what I suspected the moment I saw the scans. I look over at Deborah and she walks closer to take a look.

"We didn't see this on the echo" her eyes turn sad and she swallows down hard.

"You can never get an exact measurement. You know that" she nods and moves to the side and as I look up I realize that everyone is on hold.

"What?" Rachel asks from across the table.

"The baby's aorta is narrower than we thought. The diameter is only a millimeter, it just isn't getting enough blood flow"

"Dammit" Deborah curses as Rachel's eyes locked with mine.

"I thought of this as a possibility, so I wanted you to see it with me before I started closing up." Deborah nods but Rachel huffs loudly.

"Closing up? You haven't even started anything yet"

"Dr. Berry" Deborah warns her but Rachel's only looking at me now. "Dr. Fabray has done as much as she can do for now. So unless you know how to do a first stage Norwood, she's going to have to close this baby's chest."

Her pager goes off and luckily she leaves the OR, leaving me alone with Rachel by the operation table.

She stands by my side as I close Emily up holding her little hand and trying her hardest to act like this isn't affecting her, when I know that that isn't the case. Somehow, inexplicably so, Rachel has linked herself to these babies and her own mother, and watching me close this baby its hitting her in a way that neither one of us was expecting.

"Are you alright?" I ask as we wash up and she nods her head softly.

"It's just so unfair" she finally cries after a minute and I hold her as soon as the first tears falls down her cheeks.

There is so much, so much that I'm dying to say but don't know how. This is something that I'll never be able to fix no matter how hard I try and _I will_ try.

"How long does she have?" I hand her a paper towel and kiss her forehead while rubbing her arms with my hands.

"She won't make it through the night" I say honestly.

As we walk down the hallway towards the babies' room we spot Deborah talking with Dorie already and how she breaks down in her husband's arms a little later.

"Can I stay with her?" Rachel asks and immediately know that she's talking about Emily. I should say no, I should avoid her this connection but she's not just an intern and I'm not just an attending for her, so I agree and promise to meet her later in there.

As Dorie walks away, or more like her husband drags her away, I look at my ex-wife and this time she's not smiling, she doesn't even look strong enough to keep standing and as she walks towards me –without even seeing me- I make a decision.

As soon as she looks up I see the tears in her eyes and I don't hesitate in hugging her before opening the door that leads to the stairs and crossing it to find some privacy. She grips my robe and hides her face in my chest as she cries.

I loved this woman once, I married her and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Having her in my arms with the knowledge that we are no longer together the way we once were, breaks my heart. So I hug her tighter and remember how close we use to be, how natural we were and how much I actually miss her.

I can't deny that I want her in my life but I know that it can't be. I care too much for Rachel and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize my relationship with her and being friends with Deborah will do just that.

"You're doing all you can" I tell her when she pulls back. "You've already done more than any other doctor could have achieved with this case and they know it, we all do"

"It's still not good enough"

"You know that's not true" I hug her back and run my fingers through her hair before pulling back completely and putting some space between us.

"Thank you" she says understanding that I won't be touching her again and I smile softly before going back to the hallway.

I take deep breaths as I walk. Like I said to Rachel once, all the feelings that I held for Deborah are never going to be completely gone. I don't want her back as a lover -that feeling is gone- but all the love and respect and admiration will never leave.

"I need a scalpel for a crike" I hear a voice ask loudly and I'm almost sure it's Santana. "No, I've never done that but she's about to die!" I confirm is definitely Santana as I walk inside the room and immediately check on the patient.

"I was gonna do a crike" she informs me as the nurse comes right back in.

"How long has she been unconscious?"

"She just went down, she ate a freaking light bolt"

"Prep OR 2 for an emergency thoracotomy" I ask the nurse and she rushes right outside. "Always page an attending first, Santana"

"There was no time" she excuses herself but I know she only wanted to do this here because she was certain that she could manage it and wanted to prove herself right.

"I was walking down the hallway, I'd have been here as soon as I could"

"Am I scrubbing in?" she asks as she follows me down the hall to the OR as the nurses prep the patient. I'm pissed but she needs to learn this anyway so I nod and she beams. Literally.

The procedure isn't long and Santana is quick to answer every single one of my question about it and as I'm finishing I have no doubt that she'd have pulled it off just fine but it was still reckless for her to not call an attending.

When I make my way towards the quints' room it surprises me to see Dorie in here and even more so Rachel disconnecting one of the babies.

"I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner" she murmurs to herself as I step closer.

"Dr. Berry, what are you doing?"

"Co-bedding" she smiles and I stop myself.

"What does that mean?" Dorie asks worriedly.

"Sometimes we do it with twins when one of them is feeling a little sick" I explain to her. "Somehow the closeness helps"

"How?"

"We don't really know. Sometimes babies get really stressed in the ICUs from all the activity going on around them" I watch my girlfriend placing Kate besides her sister Charlotte and I get closer to her placing my hand carefully on her shoulder. "This way there's someone there to comfort them, to be there with them."

"Very well done" she smiles and even leans on me a little after she's reconnected Kate's tubes and we both stay with Dorie watching the babies for a while.

When Dorie leaves the room I pull two chairs and we seat by Emily's cradle but the more I stare at the little girl that I couldn't save the more my heart breaks. Rachel was so right, nothing about this is fair.

"Do you think she's coming back?" Rachel asks, "Dorie" she clarifies and I hold her hand.

"I don't know" I say honestly.

"She should come back, right?"

"Yes" I whisper and caress her cheek before pulling her in to kiss her lips. "But maybe it's too hard for her"

"I'd want someone with me in my last moments" just as she says this Emily's breathing becomes shallow and forced. Her lungs are too small, her heart isn't getting the right amount of blood flow to keep beating. She's gonna have a slow farewell.

"We're here, she's not alone" someone clears their throat and we both look up to find Deborah leaning on the doorframe with her arms crossed and a serene expression on her face.

"Dorie is coming" she informs us and clears her throat again. "I think she'll like a little privacy."

We leave the room but we don't leave the Hospital until Dorie is with Emily and even then Dr. Jones has to practically throw us out before we make our way back home.

"Lasagna for dinner" Marley says from the kitchen as we walk through the door and at the mention of food I realize that I haven't eaten all day and probably neither has Rachel.

"How are you?" my girlfriend asks Marley as I throw my coat in the back of a chair and taking a seat beside Blaine, who is silently drinking a beer and hasn't bothered with looking at me at all. I can imagine how hard it must be for him to deal with this but even though I want to, I can't sympathize with him because he's probably in love with my girlfriend and I can't... I just can't.

"My motto is to never let a tear fall for someone who isn't worth your smiles" Marley says and even I can tell that she's holding back tears by the way her voice cracks but no one says anything to contradict her.

"Baby, can you pass me a beer please?" Rachel smiles and opens the fridge tiredly before handing me the bottle. I feel exhausted, like many times in the past my mind is just starting to catch up with my body.

"Is she like your maid now?" I look at Blaine with the bottle pressed against my lips and prove that he'd actually just said that.

"What?" I set down the bottle and it hits the island hard but I can't look away from the hatred stare he's giving me.

"Couldn't you just stand up and grab your drink yourself?" he spats furiously and I know he's been waiting a chance –as small as it may be- to explode with me.

"Blaine" Marley steps closer to him as Rachel grabs my arm but I chuckle unamused and move away from her hold.

"Are you finally letting all that bitterness come out?" I ask as we both stand up. "I was wondering how much longer you were going to stay quiet"

"Quinn, stop it"

"Bitterness?" he laughs and steps closer to me as Rachel screams something in the background but I'm too enraged by this man to even listen to her.

"I've seen the way you look at Rachel"

"This is not about that!" he yells. "This is about you using her to…"

"Using her!?" I cut him off. "This is because you can't get over your childish crush on her!"

"Quinn!" now Rachel has come between us but I'm not looking at her at all, all I can see is Blaine's rage and jealousy overpowering him, and me in the way.

"You took advantage of her!" he accuses, pointing his finger at me. "You took advantage of your position to get into her bed and…"

"And steal your chance with her!? Please! Even if I weren't in the picture she would have never been with you!"

"Stop it!"

I finally allow myself to look at my girlfriend and just now I notice how agitated I've become and how she's holding me back with all her strength. I take a step back as Marley says something else to Blaine before he storms out of the house slamming the door on his way out.

"I'm going to bed" Marley says before she disappears up the stairs, more than nervous and confused.

My hands are shaking and I have to close my eyes to focus solely on breathing for a moment before I look at Rachel again, who hasn't moved from where she was standing while holding me back.

"I'm so sorry" I apologize and she nods slowly. "Rachel" I walk to her and as she looks up it doesn't take long to notice how conflicted she is right now.

"I think you should go home" I close my eyes, feeling the imaginary dagger rip my chest open.

"Rachel, come on" luckily she doesn't recoil when I take her hands. "This wasn't my fault, I didn't want this to happen"

"But you did nothing to stop it either"

"Because I've been fed up of him for a while now" I explain as she shakes her head. "Rachel, the way he looks at you it's…"

"You think I haven't noticed?" I rub my face to try to remain calm but the more I think about him, the more angry I become.

"Then why do you let him?"

"I don't care if he looks at me for a little too long and you shouldn't care either"

"Of course I care, Rachel!" I finally raise my voice and why can't she understand this? "I care when he stares at your legs with lust! I care when every time I kiss you he glares at me! I care because he's living under the same roof as you are! I care! Why can't you!?"

When her eyes widen in realization I understand that all of this is brand new information for her and her silence tells me that she no longer has an argument.

"Blaine isn't dangerous"

"I know that" I pull her closer towards me and kiss her forehead. "But I can't help to feel…" I close my eyes tightly as she cups my face.

"Jealous?" she prompts with a small smile tugging her lips.

"Yes" I huff out. It's absurd and I can see that but ever since I noticed Blaine's affections for my girlfriend the green monster has been growing within me nonstop.

"I love you" she says and then firmly takes my hands. "But I won't have you yelling and getting work up like this again."

My first instinct is to argue that I didn't even want to yell at all but the look on her face makes me stop. She is dead serious about this and the point is that she doesn't care whose fault it was in the first place or who started it, the point is that she's asking me to do something and I can't deny her, nor I want to.

"Okay" I nod and she takes a deep breath before pulling me up the stairs.

"You can stay but no sex for you tonight."

Dumbfounded and confused, I nod again since the ability to speak has flown away the moment I realized that I'm not just in love with this woman but I'm completely willing to give her everything and by everything I mean exactly that.

…


End file.
